Newbie Intro : ) Guidance Please...

Love to you all!

I'm going to try to give a brief background here. Brief being the key word ; ) There are natural gifts I was born with, yet are still undefined/unrefined in totality. My family spent years trying to figure out whats "wrong" with me. We'll just say the environment I was raised in was not conducive for spiritual development...or was it? I learned pretty young that talk of such "things" would lead to visits to the psychologist, psychiatrist. I also learned just to keep it all to myself, I knew nobody that would listen non-judgementally, or with any sort of understanding. I was just labeled "crazy", "quirky", "loner"...just labeled! I spent most of my life lost in alcoholism and drug addiction. It is what I was taught..along with many false beliefs of the world around me...more importantly about myself.

I have always said my recovery was due to Divine intervention. It is easy for me to see where my own thoughts/actions were taking me. I didn't wake up one day with the solution. I had beat myself down to a choice of live or die. I would have chosen, at the time, to die. I have been clean and sober for about 8.5 years. What a ride THAT has been. Initially, I was in a 12-step program. I didn't have "molds" of religious beliefs that are common in "normal" families. Today, I'm thankful for that. It has allowed me to embrace my blessings today. I didn't have to struggle coming to terms with a "God". I knew because I was still walked this Earth that there was a power greater than myself. I've never given that power a name, nor a "face"...I believe this is something necessary soon...I can't keep talking to something without an identity.

In trying to piece my life back together I somehow acquired an interest in animals. In 5 short years I'd built two pet grooming businesses to help care for the animals. I also have a son...who has been such a blessing. He is ADHD/Bi-Polar/ODD, and a lot of WORK! I'd stopped attending the 12-step program I was in. I felt okay to carry on with life as it was. My focus was on my son, and my businesses. I became consumed by it all. Mostly, I'd not FIRST been tending to my own needs. The Universe does work in mysterious ways. I had an emotional breakdown in regards to the care of my son...it seems that breakdown caused an amplification of a lot of my natural abilities I'd long surpressed.

Standing outside of my home I was hit with a surge of "energy". I felt it physically shoot through my body, and out of my chest area. This was so intense, I felt "pain" in my chest region for months to come. With that surge came intense bliss that went on for days. Vibrancy, aliveness, auras, love, and beauty in everything. My perception changed, my thought processing changed, anger was relieved, stress was gone. I took two weeks off from work just to "be" in it all. There was also notice of the "ego" being knocked down. It also has made my "gifts" undeniable to me, no longer able to be surpressed.

I took my experiences to the "psychs" and for once...I feel they may have come to the right "diagnosis" of what is so "wrong" with me. Actually, I've come to realize it is what is so RIGHT about me. One of the things...being a natural empath...has been such a struggle. It's hard to figure out what is mine, and what belongs to others. It seems too, because of my past, I attract (like a strong magnet) others that are struggling with alcoholism and addiction. It's very apparent to me this is where my REAL service lies, not just with the animals.

I was talking to another person in recovery the other day. I still feel like "I'm alone" in all this. In my words though, he somehow picked up on something. He asked if I was on a journey. My answer was, "I guess I am, however, I didn't know that until just now". I haven't consciously sought out a spiritual path, nor meditation, or prayer. Maybe gasping for help out of desperation, but no real quality daily connections. So that leads me here.

Plainly, I'm confused. I'm not questioning anymore...which is progress. I kept asking "why me", "why this", why why why? Why now?? Thy Will be done!! So I'm okay with why's, and don't really need to know that...it just is!! I'm having issues sorting out the "experiences". Some have suggested it to be Kundalini experience. All signs lead to that...it's just that I wasn't TRYING to achieve this. Also, "Dark night of the Soul" resonates with me. I know initially there was a spiritual emergency...I took it to the "psychs", my AA sponsor, and several meetings to sort through it. Everyone just said to ride it out. I kept saying "I feel like I'm losing my mind"...knowing that was probably a good thing.

In the meantime...meditation has been highly suggested. I need something to help protect myself from absorbing others' energies, or in letting them go. I soak up others' pain like a sponge...then react as if these are my pains...then coddle them like a babe in arms. If that makes any sense. Those are the empathic ways? Intuition...while it has always been strong...is blowing me away. I need some practice at paying attention to it, and trusting in it. If anyone has any insight or suggestions on that, it'd be highly appreciated.

Reading has also been suggested. I've purchased "Wheels of Life" by Anodea Judith, and "You are psychic"...not sure of the author there.

I've been journaling regularly. In my own words I can see how the old patterns no longer fit who I'd become, yet I wasn't ready to step up to be that which I truly am. There I can also view the internal struggle, the self talk was so negating. Anyhow...I think the duality has left the building...maybe I should follow suit...lol.

I am welcome to any and all feedback. In my last week here, reading, I find solace in knowing IT'S NOT JUST ME!! There is such warmth here, and undoubtly someplace I belong. Thank you for spending your time with me.

~PEACE