Just a Little Help from My Friends ~

Hello my friends, my family, my companions. I need to tell you all how much I respect and honour you all. I need to ask for your forgiveness. I have made wrong decisions in my life, decisions that have hurt others and myself. These decisions have not been made in the light of day with reason and love ruling. They have been made from a position of intense stress and fear, from a position of guilt and remorse, from a position of weakness. I want to be able to forgive myself for the wrong I have done. I need to know that if we have true intent in our hearts that we can move forward from our pasts with honour and respect for ourselves.
Fate has dealt me many 'strange' cards in my life. My first sexual experience was rape. I married at just 17 to find that the man I had married had a serious mental condition ~ obsessive compulsive neurosis. I was a prisoner in our home for 13 months, I became very afraid and sweat would literally run down my arms like a river. I lived in fear of doing wrong. Next card falling in love with a man who turned out to be gay. Then I married and had two children ~ yet again everything fell apart ~ I then meet another man ~ had my third son ~ who almost died when he was 8 weeks old ~ he was in and out of hospital for three and a half years until the time he was operated on and is now a healthy young man (thank God) ~ all the while I was building up my self employed book-keeping business and having to deal with his father being a complete control freak and making my two sons (from my first marriage) lives a misery. I lived in a constant state of fear and eventually had a breakdown. I was then dealt a further bad card in that the doctor I had trusted used his position to take advantage of me. I moved to where I am now. Since moving here my life went downhill. I started to drink far too much. I felt confused and vunerable. In April 2005 I started a relationship with a guy 30 years younger than myself.The relationship was the most special and yet the most torrid that I have ever experienced. My family and friends have stood by me but do not want me to be involved with this young man, as they see only the endless pain that we have both inflicted on one another. As fate would have it, this man is now back in the village. He was about to leave the country and travel abroad for a while. He is now 'stuck' back in the place he hates most ~ has no job or money. His parents argue and he doesn't really have a space to call his own ~ no sanctuary. He is dependant on me in many ways. He tells me he loves me but then gets really abusive and runs back over the wrong I have done in my life and the wrong I have done to him. All the wrong decisions he has made he qualifies saying they were my fault. I am crying out to you all now. I want for him to feel loved, cherished, safe, respected and whole. I can not make him feel this way. Whatever I do or say seems to be wrong. I am even afraid he will find me on this site. Here I have friends who love me unconditionally. This is something I have never before experienced (apart from a couple of dear friends). This unconditional love has given me the strength to deal with this 'unreal' relationship. I do love this man ~ but each time he tells me how evil I am ~ tells me that I deserve to die a slow death from aids or the be stabbed to death ~ or that I have no shame ~ I find it harder and harder to cope. I take full responsibility for my own actions ~ but would be a fool to think I am responsible for the actions of any other soul.
I needed to tell you all this ~ I have not gone into details as they are private and too painful to express. I know that I have done wrong ~ I know that I should have made different decisions to those that I did make ~ I can not turn back time ~ BUT I can change my future.
I am asking for strength and guidance ~ if I can be strong and love myself then I know that all the decisions I now make will be made with true intent and from spirit ~ from love ~ not from the ego, fear or guilt.
Namaste to you all ~ I will give back to you all again soon ~ this Daphne flower truly needs to be pruned, fed and watered before she blooms and releases her scent again.
My love to you all ~ Daphne
P.S. Psypher ~ the SAM-E's have truly helped me ~ thankyou!!