Healing From The Inside Out 

I once was a caterpillar as ugly as can be,
Because nobody could see the beauty hiding inside of me.

Like a baby I crawled into seclusion into the deepest of despair,
I wished I could be pretty & would be loved & someone would care.

As I climbed deep into my very soul I realized I was just broken,
Only needed the love of God & for myself to feel whole.

I fell into a comfort zone of peaceful sleep,
& felt my insides coming out of an ocean very deep.

The coldness was getting warmer as this bright light touched me inside,
I started to crack! I was emerging I could no longer hide.

I grew wings of excellence and was proud to be transformed,
Into a beautiful butterfly whose childhood was once torn.

I spread my awesome wings and fluttered away,
From all that was negative, ugly & grey.

Into a new reality, a brand new start,
And took all I learned into my spirit & kept love in my heart.

So some sunny day when you see me flying,
Remember I am delicate but will listen if you're crying.

We can all make changes for the better, I have no doubt!
Be gentle to yourself, have faith & you too will be healed from the inside out.

Maria Magdalena Jimenez, CMT

My Story of Healing My Inner Child

This may trigger some major trama so not for those dealing with PTSD.

I was born on New Years the 6th child of 7 to wonderful Catholic parents who were from New Mexico but met in California & lived in CA ever since.  My parents gave us all bible names & I really didn't know too much about Mary Magdalen, in fact I hated my name until now.  I started reading about Mary Magdalen & now reading The Magdalen Manuscript by Tom Kenyon & Judi Sion.  We all went to a Catholic School and were so overportected it wasn't till I got into jr. high that everything changed.  I decided on a plane trip to NM that I wasn't going to be introverted anymore and I put on a mask of happiness and became very open and outgoing.  I hid all my pain behind that mask until I moved here to Mariposa which was a transformation for me.  Yes, I went through and still going though a major metamorphosis.

I  realized it was I who couldn't see the beauty hiding inside of me.  When I wrote this poem over 3 yrs ago I was going through some very hard stuff.  I had become one of Jehovah's Witnesses & my ex & I were seperated due to his drinking and drug use and one day he came over and threatened to kill me in front of my son.  I called the police on him and my son had to testify against him in court and he got 4 yrs in jail.  At that time I started having these reaccuring dreams after reading a Watchtower magizine "Who Can You Trust".  I keep asking myself why, why, why do I do the things I do.  I just wanted to sleep and was alone & took the bottle of sleeping pills out of my purse and was thinking about taking them all so I wouldn't wake up from my dream of someone in the shadows.  Then I thought about my children and I called 911 and told them I couldn't be alone. I had no friends or family I could talk to here & told them they better come & get me.   They did and took me to the emergency room and called my sister who lived in the next town. 

Paula came over to the hospital and told me I could go home with her but she had to work in the morning... Didn't she realize I couldn't be alone  that I was suicidal?  I was taken to a phych ward in another town and given some strong seditives to help me sleep.  When I got into a room with another women there on the bed sat a bible... A New World Translation  from Jehovah's Witness's I knew I was with a sister and asked if I could read it.  I turned it to Psalm's and started reading... Though I walk in the valley of darkness I fear no evil... I fell asleep.  The next day I felt so much better and started painting pictures to give to everyone there and they let me go home.  I called some brothers from the Kingdom Hall to pick me up and a sister came by to take me to Mt. Crisis to get a counselor.  I started spending time outside under my 100 yr. oak and reading about healing the inner child when this poem came to me.

Yes, right now I"m still dealing with being forgiving... forgiving my mom for not listening to me when I was molested by my oldest brother at the age of 7 though I've been wanting to open up to her about it, I still can't find a way to it and she is now 82.  Oh, I hated my brother and wished he was dead.... I didn't know at the time he was on herion.  Well, he ended up getting spinal meningitis which left him partually deaf & blind... later he turned to alcohol and when he was 53 got a brain annurism and we watched him die after taking him off life support.  I finally found it in my heart to forgive him.  Just recently forgiving my Uncle for molesting me when I went to NM at the age of 14 yet I still have to write to him and tell him... Forgiving those 4 men who raped me at the age of 21...That's when I became fragmented and was totally beside myself.   Wow what a lot I had gone through with no support ... No wonder I didn't trust men yet I never told my family any of it & held it all inside.  This pain from the inside came out in the form of polymyalgia.... pain all over. 

I was in so much pain I could no longer walk up the stairs of my townhouse so I had to sale my house.  I told myself if I had to move I wanted to live as close to Yosemite, the most beautiful place I knew and took out a map & found Mariposa.  I love butterflies and I said that is where I want to live.  God found me the perfect place here at the Gateway to Yosemite on 2.5 acres in the forest of Central California.  I knew they had a Massage School here and as soon as I got my tax return I took a course at Aherns Massage.  When I gave the Massage Teacher the cash Tom gave me a hug that I would always remember.  I felt his heartbeat inside mine and knew I was in the right place.  There I learned all kinds of massage techniques, Kinesiology, and Reiki.  I got and gave 2 massages and  most of my pain went away yet my lower back still ached.  Then an accupunturist came in and chose me to work on that day... I got a great treatment and he even did cupping on my back.  I remember that when I layed on my stomach afterward that I could lay flat.  I started to go back for more treatments.  His associate, Keith Stevens at Three Rivers Accupunture told me we hold all our emotions in our kidneys and liver and gave me some Chinese Herbs to streathen me.  A week after taking XIAO YAO WAN all my pain went away... Wow! I couldn't believe it  I could do so much now... yet, something was stopping me from moving forward with my life...

I had gotten a job with Mariposa County Family Services to work with Child Protective Services.  Little did I know that work would cause me Post Tramatic Stress Disorder.  I was a social drinker and my co workers and I would go out on Friday nights drinking and dancing... I never thought I had a problem with drinking until my brother, Vicent Peter's wedding when I got deathly ill... So I started going to AA and working the 12 steps... The first time I went to the AA Fellowship I saw a white cloud in the shape of a butterfly I knew it was time to be transformed.  There was also a time while I was at the Merced river on a slate rock getting a suntan and a big beautiful yesllow swallowtail landed on my heart.  I was in awe for sure as I took this as another sign of change.

Then everything started to unravel all at once it seemed... First my dog got hit by a car... then my Aunt, Virginia had died that weekend I was at the hotsprings and a yellow clouded butterfly landed on my heart... This was my mom's brother's wife who was paralized at the time he molested me... I never told my mom & she asked me if I wanted to go to her funeral... Hell no, I wasn't ready to face him again and I stuffed it once again... All was going fine so I thought until they asked me at work to enter childrens's data in the data base... dental records and hospital records... then medicine they were being given... I was given some records of sexual abuse and all those pent up memories started to come right back to the surface.  I wanted to cover it all up by drinking.  I didn't know how to deal with it all again & told my boss I needed a couple days off... well she let me go instead.  I wanted to drink so so bad after that.  On the way home I was going to go the the liquor store and  the reception on my radio changed from Classic Rock and the voice said "Throw all your burdens on God and pray for wisdom"  Wow! talk about divine intervention.  I went to a friends instead and talked it out. 

One day while sitting on the bench outside having tea 7 big golden dragonflies came and circled around me, round and round they went.  I was in town a few days after that an an AA friend told me she saw a place for rent I could use for a massage practice.  We couldn't find it so I asked if we could go to Syncronicity because there was something there I needed but I couldn't remember what it was but as soon as we get there I would know.  There were dragonflies & butterflies stuff for sale all around the place so I told the lady about my dragonfly experience and she said I had a dragonfly totem and showed me a book on animal totems.  I asked is she had any butterfly jewlery and she showed me a butterfly ingraved on a round bone with a black cord for neckless.  I told her I couldn't wear anything around my neck as no matter how light it was it made my body feel heavy all over.  She looked at me and told me I had a cloak on... I thought it was a good thing & she said it was a dark cloak.  She came around the counter and stood over me and said a woman about her height put it on me because I knew the truth... hmmmmm being Witness I didn't believe in going to shamans and stuff but she asked if I wanted to remove it and I said yes.  She said she was afraid to find out what was under it and took me to another room.  She asked me to call in Arch Angel Michael to help me remove it.  I closed my eyes and lifted it and it was very heavy and dropped it to the ground.  She smudged it and looked at me and said I had something around my neck.  I blurted out it I think it is leather and she asked if it was held by a strap or a buckle.. I said a buckle and she reaches behind my neck and unbuckles it and lets it fall to the ground and smudges some more.  She asks me to picture a blue lotus flower opening up and I feel lighter.  Yet I still feel a knot in my throat.

I told my Navaho friend about this and he said it was the dark side of Native American's... a shape shifter... I wonder who this lady was who would put a spell on me like that. I look up shape shifter and find that in order for them to become shape shifter's they would have had to kill a close relative.... Then I remember my mother in law who is half Cherokee... When she was 12 yrs old she had shot and killed her own father with his rifle.  Yikes!  I started feeling the pain all over after I left her son in WA.  Well, I forgave her though I don't care to talk to her ever again...

I asked my accupunturist about the knot in my throat and he said that is what the Chinese refer to as a plum pit.  When we don't speak our truth it is held in  our throats.  He gave me some tea and I drank it for 2 wks and finally cleared my throat... Yet, he told me as soon as I didn't say what was on my mind it came back again.

I've been sober for over a year now and I'm still dealing with communication and abandonement problems... I'm on the 9th step in AA and it talks about making amends, yet I find myself stuck as in our family we always hid our emotions.  I also have to find another sponser who I can trust to not repeat the stuff I tell her in confidence since we live in such a small community.  Yet, I know I need this support before I open up to my parents about my life... right now they don't even know me really.  I can't wait to share with them how much I love myself now and how much stronger I am and how what I went through will help others deal with thier lives in a more productive way.  A coulple of weeks ago I came down with a Burning Tongue Syndrome for 3 days my tonge felt like it had a hot branding iron on it.  Then my tooth became infected... mmm did that have something to do with communication... I'm sure it did.  New Mexico has been coming up almost everyday now for the last 2 weeks and I keep wanting to write to my Uncle but can't seem to do it.  Writing my story here is so much easier then speaking my truth face to face.

I found a book at a friend I was taking to AA who invited me go her house called "The Rainbowbridge to Superconscienceness"  Then read online somewhere about the Violet Flame Meditation &  I tried it 3 months ago and was awakened to another reality for sure.  I was like a cosmic mayan in a vast purple sky with stars all around twice.   I want to go back to that place of pure peace and love where I felt one with God.  I've learned a Hawaiin forgiveness technique called Ho pono pono which I use yet there was something inside me I couldn't forgive myself for and I couldn't figure out what it was.

I had met this guy, Marty online at The Massage Exchange and we had a real great connection as I could feel his joy and pain and I was there for him for almost a year and wanted so much to heal him.  When the Elders from the Kingdom Hall found out he was coming to see me they paid me a visit and I told them Jehovah doesn't judge me... wow, I didn't know where that came from but they never came to my house again.  I met Marty and I had lent him some money to start a healing center together in Mexico.  He planned to sale his place in Mexico to pay me back then he blocked his love from me... now I'm still finding it hard to trust... So I"m also using a technique called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) which is helping me overcome my FEARs (False Evidence Appearing Real)  and I'm getting stronger every day.  I'm also applying the information on manifesting using The Power of Intention.  I know I need to disipline myself more now that I'm Awakened almost healed from the inside out. 

I'm happy to be a lightworker and I know that what I went through every 7 yrs happened for a reason and I'm here now to help others with heal and bring them into the light so we can all ascend together.  I'm grateful for everyone that has helped me in my life thus far and I pray each day for God's highest will to be done.  Soon we will have Heaven on Earth.  Peace, love & light to you all.