a little down

well, it happens sometimes that i feel down, and i just wanted to keep a track of my thoughts...
my new friends from the last two months -four of them there are - are all going overseas and disappearing. others i have met online we have hit it off, then suddenly they no longer seem to be around. i feel so lonely sometimes - though if i go past the emotions then i know it must just be an illusion of separation; i dont know, as a human experience i guess i indulge in feeling lonely. i have always wished for having a group of friends around me, who would know what i was up to and vice versa, pop around to each others places without calling and hang out...but ive never had that. i dont understand why. i was thinking, if i look at it the other way, i has given me space (lots) to grow at my own spiritual rate, to ponder a lot, to meditate. maybe thats why.

but im feeling let down today with friends who appear to have withdrawn, and wonder why i have this reaction. i was thinking, perhaps its because i have always felt very conditional, judgemental love from my parents, and that in looking for friendship or a relationship i have sought people who would give me the unconditional love that i couldnt feel from them. i do feel that i cant rely on people; i feel let down so easily, and wish that they would be there more lovingly/loyally for me. but it is never this way.

as it is though, i meditated and found that an angelic/ higher vibrational family exists all loving totally as i already am, and the last couple of days, whenever i forget i find much comfort in that. they are all standing there together in golden white clothes and light, loving me and sending me their total unconditional love, whatever mood i may have fallen prey to, however judged i may feel by my physical family. im beginning to think of them as my true family; my physical family feel more like bodies who are there to help my learning experience. with their unconditional love, they send me the highest encouragement to be my true self; thats all they want, and they rejoice every time i feel it and manifest it. it`s very cool knowing that a whole lot of beings are rooting for you, to be you. heehe.

i`ve also realised that in this lifetime i have had a hard time finding someone i totally utterly respect and would trust with all my heart. the closest i have been able to come to this is ghandi, siddartha, the dalai lama and AS Neill (the scottish guy who set up summerhill school [this is also an awesome book] - which i think would be perfect for indigo and crystal children!). however, i have only known them through books mainly. jesus (im not sure what else he`s called but i think i might prefer calling him something else out of caution of being mistaken that im christian) along with mary have been among the constant angelic guides since my realisation; and i realised the other day that i can totally competely trust jesus to personally be there always and also help me with my best interests in mind! that`s pretty awesome.

so yeah...i guess looking back at what ive written, i seem to be finding comfort, trust, stability, love through the higher dimensions but not on earth - and trying to find the same or even similar kind of thing in the physical dimension doesnt seem to be in the big plan...or maybe im doing this all to myself i dont know.

something that i guess many beings here already know which i was excited to define, is this: that the only thing we are obligated to do, is to be true to ourselves. the only rule. even excludes rules like: do not hurt others. on hte other hand, while the universe is love - and joy which is love expressed - awareness of those things in themselves is not complete awareness. again - awareness of love must then be expressed through self to create self. which, if done in love will not be out of self interest but the opposite.

people often say, everything is perfect just as it is. i always used to think it was a nice phrase, until i realised well, there`s another phrase you can say after it which opens up your sense of reality even better: that everything is changing exactly as it should. that is something i learned when i did vipassana meditation - and i do think that it may come down to all of that. awareness of constant change and the non-reaction to this change. such as observing without anger or annoyance when you start getting pins and needles. such as observing your thoughts and craving feelings about afternoon tea.

i do think that engaging in a reaction provides us with the opportunity to learn in life, from what i experienced so far. they taught us how not to react at the smallest subatomic level, to just observe totally objectively - though lately i wonder whether this non-reaction should better with wonder adn curiosity and playfulness. i say this having watched a film by wim wenders about angels[wings of desire] - the angels talk about wanting to incarnate on earth instead of just watching over people - so that they can feel what air on skin feels like, what emotions feel like, what colours, tastes, smells are like, and what it feels like to live without knowing everything all the time. i thought this was an awesome quote - and think what wonderful sensations we experience every moment as a 3D human, but become so accustomed to. so i was thinking meditation observing the constant change, but instead of just with objectivity as they teach in vipassana, but with a sense of detached wonder, might be a way of trying it. to go with the flow, but with non-reaction and love and joy and wonder.

haha, this has turned into quite a mischung ramble! but i guess this was the place to do it. love, peace, trillions of sparkling stars~