Last Night...

Last night we were watching the Science Channel and the show "How it's Made" came on...we watched two in a row because it is very interesting.

~golf balls, light poles, handles for furniture, bent wood for chairs, many things were interesting....but i was most enthralled with the metallurgy and creation of amour...

King Arthur, and Arthurian Legend had always struck a note with me, and I think, that part of the fascination (a large part) was with the little fact that it dealt in certain magic...Dear Merlin! I have always felt spiritually powerful deep within. I knew it was being taken from me, and diminished with some difficult lessons, but i knew the power was natural and necessary to thrive.

Arthur was a knight, a King of Sorts, but Merlin! There was POWER!

~Still the beauty of art and the art of making metal protective clothing was a thing to behold. How they meld the hard surface, hammering it just so, to form a pliability! How they turn it, and work it to curve around the human form, how we sand and polish the armor! How one shines it with cloth and it sparkles brightly reflecting the sun! Dazing and protecting...blinding the opponent, with its brilliance. How it may be made in parts and move with the human frame in battle.

We all have the armor of spiritual protection, but some do not wish to know of it, or make it useful for them. Intellectually superior to others, they are armed with that armor and have no need of this one. They are protected by mental prowess and agility...I need spiritual power, because I am not all that smart it occurs to me lately. I have always worked with spirit, I am sure...thinking back I know it is true. I never wanted to tell people how close to God (in many forms) I felt because they did not seem to like to talk about the God that I knew.

The God that is a tree, a field, a stream, a plant, a flower, a chipmunk, and was Me, a tiny child in Tennessee, just a girl who loved a pony, her family the mountains! Just a girl who Loved the wind! A girl who loved a world, and hiking it's trails, and swimming in it's rivers, and feeling it's heartbeat in the sun...it's breath on a breeze. I knew god was also the LOVE energy, but that many people were prejudiced about how we must THINK about God, and they/I attempted to change my perspective on what that ideal was. They did not say God IS the Earth, Yes child! They did not say God is Your Parents Yes!, They did not say Yes! God lives within your pony, and the snakes, and the grasses, and the dirt, the stone and very air we breathe, Yes!

They said God is in His Heaven, and all is right with the World...I looked around and saw that they were lying! That the world was a mess...an incredible mess! And I knew this at six and it made me shudder to think that these people were so unaware of things! ~Incredibly Not smart, to be blunt! They encouraged me to taste of their God, to drink in their messages about Him, to make him into a Male Image, with a beard...and a Throne like a King, to polish that image and work it, to adapt it with the words they supplied, to make it my own image, and I tried, I really did TRY.

I gave myself over to this sort of thinking, I decided that this God was angered by awful things,(we had that in common) and i knew that He must be appeased daily by good works, and I must act as a sort of angelic host to this God, that I must serve this GOD, and even that It insisted that I do so. Because...IT Created the Earth.

It was not the Earth, it lived above the Earth. It was not Here, it was elsewhere "Watching" me. It was not what I thought at all, it was Other. Not Me, not mom or dad, or my brother, This God was not really my Grandparents, or Nature...oh!

It didn't live in my pony it made it. God was not the brook, but it caused the brook and the rocks to exist, it created the brook that water trickled over, created the water!....Oh! Tell me more, I want to learn of all You know, is it Beautiful in every way? Is it the most exquisite music and precious feeling? No... it's just "GOD" silly girl! Someone like a man, but better...a God we must Bow to or be damned! ~OH! A God who will punish and hurt you...oh. Don't disobey Him.

Armour was forming, but it was more a cover against this Beastly Overlord that would kill me... if I broke the rules, I just did not understand that yet. Armour was melded in the kiln of my mind....but I would pretend with all my heart. I would Try with every fiber of my being, to be convinced of what the people taught me. I would eat the gruel and stand in Gods army to fight against evil. I would be like an angel to Him. I would grow in might and obey His every command....I would ask Him to enter my being and live in me as He was all powerful and something told me I was gonna need this to get by in a world so strange.

I watched a man set foot on the MOON, and my step-dad touched my private places...what an odd world this seems. I watched a movie where a gentle looking older couple were killing people and burying them in their basement, and my step-dad said "No put your feet by my feet" and we took a nap on the couch together like that my face by his zipper. I don't remember more. But HIS father showed me something strange when his wife took my brother to the store, an old man of maybe eighty, he showed me something I had never seen, and didn't say what it was but I was to touch it...no.

I hid away. No I will not, I will defy...I am afraid. IS God like a Man? Is man in Gods Image? I am so confused. I liked what I thought much better. This God will protect me if I am Good and I Pray and Worship Him though, they say he will. I think I will trust them. I quickly become the shyest, most "sweetest girl" in the world, almost angelic. No one will ever see me being bad, no, No one but God! No adult will ever know if I am bad, for I will be ever so very, very good, and God will protect me then. I hope to become a saint, I want to Know this God so immensely, I want to be protected from harm, I will earn his respect, I am now very afraid of certain men, and they are made by God, I am so confused.

My armor is being made ready for the battle I will become consumed by, it is called Life and mine was very difficult for one who was " a sensitive girl". Oh I sensed things intuitively... and very easily, soon after that, I became hyper-vigilant, and supra-moral, if that can be a word. Then I began to hone that sensitivity because I needed to protect me too, i couldn't rely solely on this God, I must Impress and Worship but not be a burden to This King. I must be good at deception too, deceiving people into thinking I am fine, but I am not fine. No one asks me if I have been hurt by anyone close... But the Critic has been awakened and it is angry too, like God. Righteously so, completely, incredibly angry and a little scared too.

I put on my armor, I got into the battle stance...I forgot about the dance mostly, until folks reminded me that life can be fun too. I was incredibly serious about life. It seemed to be SO Important, why be flippant about it? What is so important about having fun, this stuff seems serious! I will be serious about my life, I will understand the challenges and face them head on. I am not afraid. I will be someone that even God admires...or I'll kill myself trying I told myself. A funny little girl from the sticks.