Closer to the light

Why are people so eager to respond to trouble and turmoil..why am I? I spring in to action when things are difficult, yet maybe this is meant to be. I always wanted to spread joy and peace and deep understanding around, but when I feel that way I just let things be, and don't do a thing. Usually...
Am grappling with continuing fear and inner terror, mostly at night when all other distractions are gone, but it is now easy to work through it. Like the bucket must empty and it is happening. Yet it is still annoying and makes me tired. Perhaps the coincidence of still haveing to collect more items and clean up at my previous residence is mirroring what is happening within...must be. At least it is an explanation my mind will settle for. Stop the mental chatter about it.
The place within me that is fearful is harder to define now. It does feel extremely infantile and during my mostly sleepless night I was finally able to relax when I decided to let it ride out and told myself it is fine and okay to be scared. Who wouldn't be...circumstances are a bit out of the ordinary still, they are. The dog I am caring for is sweet and really loving. He wouldn't leave me alone last night, wanting to come in to my room and rattling his little tags at my door. He doesnt normally do this, and it seems he too was feeling my anxiety and need for comfort. For the first time I felt anxious yesterday at being in this big house surrounded by trees and water, all by myself. Something I would usually relish but the company I had planned for lunch did not work out so I had the opportunity to see myself in a new way...developing something new thru the loneliness. It is quite strange, there is more happening but I am having a harder time figuring it out now.
I still feel I do not put myself first, but not sure how to approach a change. I guess that means it will just happen or the next steps be revealed to me since all this thougth is such a big uncomfortable effort right now.
But I feel, how difficult it is to truly put ourselves first. Unconditional love really must be a rare commodity 'down here', and when we do start clearing the way by working through fear and the veil, it is so unrecognizable to the mind. Of course we can feel it and then wonder why we feel so wonderful, can this possibly last...I am in and out, back and forth. One minute in peace and harmony and exhilerating joy, the next suffering with the best of them. It seems much easier to see the light though, like I have come thru the tunnel but the light is just a bit bright now and then...at least I know I will not accept codependence any more, not of the kind I always have. And won't dwell on whether there is another kind out there I haven't tried yet...no no no, no more!!!
Well, I salute all our process and all of us who are consciously taking part in this journey. I think all human beings are everywhere, but they aren't all yet thinking about it and knowing what is happening. May we all embrace each other fully, soon.