Dying

I feel like I am almost dead. Dying..hope this is true as it's the old me that has to die. I was told before death is not painful but this one is very painful. I wish it would end, that hardship would be done with. No amount of relaxation negates the fact it is hard. Back with terrible headache. Had more realizations yesterday, first of all that I look for a Mother Figure in most women I meet. The ones I connect to anyways. What does this mean, exactly> I want to know. Oh yes, before I go on, I remind myself that I am better than before by quite a long ways. I feel a future, and feel myself readying for another life. Moving has accelarated. I didn't know what moving would bring, yesterday. Today am back at old residence, still two trips to finish the move completely. Will have help tomorrow which will ease my tension of aloneness then. Feels like the door is slow in shutting, but I must need this time to let it all sink in. Am leaving a fiercely codependent nature that always prodded me to live for another. Then get tired and resentful and look after myself in a haphazard way or if with more exuberance, then also with great guilt. Usually leading to these headaches. Why is it here today, after almost sleepless night. Did not see this coming, as I made myself comfortable before I turned early so as to be well rested today. everything somewhat confusing, but it seems to be the child within, ego self that is making it hard. So hard to let go and release. Must have to go slowly, my inner panic is really obvious to me right now. Yet it feels fine, like the outcome is no longer in question. Even my inner child/ego self seems fine that we are finally moving on. Process hard though, specially when I want to feel good and peaceful now all the time. If I say that one more time......!!!
Let go of seeking Mother figure out there. It is within. Must look after me and have confidence I can do it. That is really my trouble. I just do not believe I can do it, but I do know I can how different those two are. Belief vs. knowing. Inner belief is obviously still very screwed up, very confused and not able to rationalize. So I have to contend with feeling it which is not fun at all. Nausea comes with headache and is perhaps worst of all. I really, really am trying to let it speak to me....tell me what I need to know, need to do. Let it be, it will pass and don't question just let it know, I am okay with it all, will not punish it, will not send it away before it is ready. HOW can an old energy be so strong within me that I have no dominion over it...I am sick. and tired. I am scared of life with new friends, at their house when they come back next month. How will I be myself around them, when I may not even have money for food anymore...I cannot see into the future, cannot get a feeling that it will work out, that I will not have to suffer any more of this weird deprivation, I cannot see ahead at all, truly like I am going to be dead by then. Maybe my new home, is really my burial place. This would be fine. I must say, I have had feelings about this...that this arrangement will not be a long one, but have trouble believing it because there is absolutly no information, no sense or no intuition about what will come after and when. Of course, if I am dead, it will not be an issue. I came to my blog, to find out why I am here, what is happening. Why so strange and awful...and it seems clear, I am dying right now. I watched my father die some months ago. HOw sad this makes me feel. I must need him for something....and I am going to die to meet him for whatever it is. This entire post, is written from my inner child, there are only a few thoughts that resemble the real, alive me. My dad's last words were a song he sang, It;s time to say goodby,I have to go, Goodbye..I loved you dad, I'm so sorry you never believed me and you didnt ever want to know.