Scared Ahead

Time is here for me to do what I wanted to...also large effort required not to question why it is this way. feel like Christ on the Cross somehow, like my hour of crucifixion. Something I have been preparing for over weeks in an intense way. All my faculties are involved on my own resurrection, I do see it coming but it is scary nevertheless. It's easier to think in analogies than reality, but i let myself do that. My crucifixion is on a cross of worthlessness, what else! Real crux of the matter is terror at maybe not being looked after by All That Is...finally I will be let down. That I simply cannot look after myself even I know it won't be so, and can see through the whole game, but still I have to go through it. Going around by saying, I will not worry, will not absorb any more ignorant and illogical thought forms is not an available option, I did know eventually I would simply have to come to a place where my biggest fear becomes probable reality. I am frozen about how to provide myself an income over the next two months, after June and my teaching year ends. till now, have had summer jobs just show up about this time of the year, but nothing so far this time. Guidance is particularly clear...money will not come thru efforts of my own in the working world. I feel I have really worked hard for most of my life and feel no guilt at being a freeloader or anything like that, though my life must look like that. Guidance says, look after inner self, nurture, accept and let in ever more love and compassion for self. That is the answer, the only one for me. Never mind anyone or anything out there. Soul mate will surface, we will work together to make it happen and profitability will be there, I know it is going to work out. What I don't know is when and what do I do till I get to there. They say, you train for your 'mission' your whole life and all those before, and I feel my only mission is to garner my self and nothing else. The only thing of value I have, is my Self and nothing more, and life has evolved to make this appear true. Inner feeling of destruction is so enormous, and the feelings of grief, pain and paralysis are surely like they would be were I being hung on a cross. I don't know why this image persists, but it does. Well, any image will do I guess and like everything else I have very little energy to really question it, it doesn't matter any way I would say. We are all like Christ after all...
So I am preparing for the move I have 'seen' coming for 10 years now. Just located my journals of that time, through cleaning up the last of my belongings and my first inner vision of loosing everything, being no one and lost in a world of material values; my bag lady vision, was first recorded July of 1997. It's not surprising that this wrenching is coming to me now, I've had so much introspection and clearing lately that I must be ready, to take the final leap.
Just watched an Oprah episode where she and her team do things like climb tall poles and jump off...assisted of course...but still deeply challenging. Total metaphor for my life today...by mid week I am going to jump. I just feel this, and know it's Time! To find all the Solstice and energy reports rignt in line with my own life or vice versa is good, and gives me energy to go through this incredible curtain of fear I have about being NO ONE. I guess we go thru stages...clear some, have some tranquility, then clear more then more peace. I feel somehow, today is a final leap for me. I AM terrified and breathing fast as if in labor, enough to need to write it down, find support from my own words. Once again, I talk it out, then figured I would just let it go but once again, I think I will add it to my blogs, send the energy away from me. It's real...my paralysis seems to be more about seeing it all as real than anything else. I am coming thru...scared little girl, jumping off cliff totally created in that place of the mind that makes horror stories seem real. So much effort in accepting that I am okay, it's the end of a long process.I can do it...tried before, but this time I will.