Wow--Addictions are Tough

Don't belong to many groups, as my spiritual journey for the last almost 20 years has been so personal and individual. I know I have something to do with the new wave of energy upon us, but it is difficult to stay consistent in this belief. I am not surrounded by folks who are of like mind, though those closest to me are from what I can see, still on the path of ascenscion whether they call it that or not. Needless to say, I've done plenty of research in the books, am semi-adept and knowlegable about most spiritual/new age topics, and have had my fair share of celestial experiences, to know that something is going on that I feel the URGE to be part of. In my nature I am a skeptic as well as a believer, but at some point the skepticism becomes a hinderance instead of an asset. I feel that I am at the threshold to a new awakening, but the initiation that I am currently enduring is quite treacherous. I find myself lost in bizarre "addictions" that have not been enticing for many years. Of all things, I am smoking cigarettes, which I can't help but to feel ashamed about. I haven't smoked in this capacity for almost 15 years and it literally seems as if it is coming out of nowhere. That along with my liking for the wine, is taking it's toll on my spiritual self-esteem, if you know what I mean. I feel like I've taken several steps forward, just to take what seems like 10 steps back. I can only hope that this is part of my process and that this period is headed towards a much deeper clearing. I feel alone in this process physically, though my guides are clearly here for me when I bite the bullet enough to connect with them, even in my current state of feeling unworthy. The basic 12 step program isn't going to help me here. I feel like every day I am realizing more about why this is currenlty coming up for me, but it doesn't stop the self doubt. Everyday I ask for clarity and strength to overcome those things that I know are stopping my progress. It reminds me of when I was in a relationship with a man/boy that I knew wasn't for me, but I continued my relationship with him because I was afraid of the responsibility of what would come next. I knew that I would find the man that I would marry after him, and it scared the shit out of me to think about that kind of committment. I stayed with the innappropriate boyfriend, mostly out of the fear of growing up. Five years later, I am pretty happily married with an awesome rockstar for a toddler. I was brilliant for holding on to the crappy boyfried for as long as I could, because I've never had to step up to my Light more than I do now with my current relationships and responsibilities. With great things, comes great responsibility. Perhaps, that is why my addictions are coming back to me. Perhaps they are here just for the false hope that I may not have to grow fully into the light consciousness that I am to become. If that is what's happening, then I am excited about what comes next. My life has never been better after I let go of my old life with the innappropriate boyfriend, and I am praying for a similar effect once I renew my commitment to my health and spiritual well-being.

Tomorrow is a new day, and tonight I will pray for as much. Not just for me, but for everyone on the spinning rock in space called Earth, including the rock itself.

Whoever happens to come across this blog entry, please send me light and luck and anything else that you may see fit. It would be nice to have someone who resonates with what I am talking about to help me with inspiration.
Corin