Another step forward

It feels like I am again on a spiral forward, clearing out the old draggy and miserable-making emotions that have been my companions all my life. Now it is really baby steps as though I have gone backward from gigantic realizations and leaps of healing to miniscule, though they are powerful.
I know all this is nonsense and not really real, but today especially I feel like I am not wanted, am in the way and a nuisance to my surroundings. I have visions and images of a baby crib, and of feeling confined and ignored. I know for certain my Mom, who was a child herself when she had me really, had serious misgivings about my presence in her life. She did feel I was a threat to her constant need to be forefront of attention and the apple of my Father's eye. Unfortunately for me in this situation, my Father doted on me, probably from before birth even and though I think as a newborn I inspired him in his vision for creating a strong family, I also was adored by him in some very unhealthy ways. These are the ones I remember and am working through now. He too, was a child having a child, not properly nurtured and with some serious sexual dysfunctions going on. This sexual misfit energy permeated my life at home till I left when I married, in order to move across the country to raise my own children in a new environment as free from my past as I could have it.
Speaking with my daughter yesterday reminded me how successful my endeavor was, and I am suitably proud of the three kids I raised, largely on my own with an absentee hubby who now of course is gone to a far away country and none of us have seen him for years. Anyway, old story that seems to be truly coming to a close. Happy ending, I would choose if I could! I have told this story before, yet it seems really important for me to reiterate it again, and to have all the facts and details and reasons for things neatly organized and accessible to my rational mind.
I have realized too that my happy ending must be propelled from within me, and cannot be managed from outside no matter what anyone around me demands of me or how society feels that I, according to what is considered the normal parameters of successful divorce, mourning and recovery, should be. I had dedicated myself to reinventing myself with a brand new career that would utilize my skills in management and creativity, but that was not to be. I realized that manifestation was not possible, only that surrender to the Higher Purpose is possible.
Looking back on my four years of single-hood, I see how it all fell together in a logical stream of experiences to draw from me those impulses and negative emotions that contributed to my constant feelings of incompetence, despite having multitudes of obvious talents and skills, and my sense of deep unworthiness that resulted in me thinking I had to work at least three times harder at absolutely everything to deserve the same amounts of attention, namely love and money, that the rest of the world was able to achieve.
I still feel that way, again, especially so today, only today it is something that stands before me almost asking for me to really see it, understand it and feel it without resorting to plans to conquer it. No panic driven appointments with a psychic, no forays into astrology to make me feel it is all okay, and above all, it begs me not to cater to those around me by pretending to have a plan for my future. I have no plan, other than to take each day as it comes and to surrender to healing whatever issues show up. This is mighty difficult, for I live with friends on their generosity as I have been doing for several years now. My friends are beautiful people, but do not understand that non action may be exactly the action I need. That inner work is powerful and my only hope. They would not resonate with this website! I know I have ended up here because by not having any possessions left, nor any friends except for them, nor a full time career to distract me and not enough money to be able to escape into the world of materialism, I have for almost a whole year now constantly been driven to a place within myself to find the answers.
It has been an amazing progression, and not something I could have planned myself. The difficulty now is that I feel my time is up. I feel pressure that I appear lazy and irresponsible, for I have not been able to aggressively change my career and begin a process of earning enough to move on. I just survive, and no matter what I do to the contrary this is where my Spirit demands I remain until such time as I am ready, and an opportunity comes my way.
I would dearly love that opportunity today, right now, and meditating on that for a second brings me the answer that my opportunity is indeed right here, right now only it is not packaged with a job title and does not have a salary attached to it. It is becoming free of burdens and whole enough to feel totally comfortable in my own skin. Finally. I have felt 2008 would be a banner year for me, and must admit that even with no movement in the physical/material realm of my life, I have certainly progressed at amazing speed over the last four months in releasing all the old and feeling new energy the likes of which I have not ever experienced. It is definitely going somewhere, but these last dredges seem a bit stubborn...using a scale such as doctors do to ask you what your pain level is, I would say I am on the last 15% of my necessary clearing efforts. That simply feels accurate and like doctors trust you are accurate when you say that your pain level is at a 6 out of 10 or whatever, I trust I am correct in my assumption.
So I wander around, almost waiting and even searching for triggers, then I feel my pain of abandonment and uselessness, and I love myself enough to let it go. Then I feel exhausted, sleep a bit and move on. These are my days at the moment, and my stomach is in a tight knot with it all. I have lived with people many times since being a teenager, and often experienced the exact scenario I am again going through. At least now I know what is happening, and why I invariably propel myself into a position of being resented and unwanted. Even though I get along very well with people and do not rock the boat in any way so to speak, and am very helpful wherever I am, I still manage to find my way into this corner of desperation. I am here again, am embracing it this time as my ultimate vehicle for change by releasing patterns of rejection and abandonment I learned many years ago.
One day I will come back, read this and wonder if this was really me....just as the pain of childbirth seems to evaporate upon holding the beautiful new baby, I know this pain will evaporate too.