Posted April 26th, 2008 by AnIrishMysticApril 26, 2008
The following is not very happy, but full of emotions and personal truths, and personal untruths. Many of the untruths are already evident to me. If you enjoy reading this, ok. If it helps you to find some truth inside yourself, ok. My self, my high self, my husband, and his high self, have the rest well in hand. :-)
We are having a garage sale.
No, we are not selling the garage, ha ha, just getting rid of stuff that is no longer serving. We will be moving, soon, and it is obvious that much needs to go.
I have always had a hard time letting go, but 14 years ago, I got rid of many lifetime accumulations and now it is time to repeat that. This time, we have much more to get rid of.
My husband and I have agreed that this will have to go in stages. Decide what we absolutely KNOW we can get rid of now. Then, start over, and do it again. I figure we will have at least 3 really good moving sales, each one with better and better quality items, as we whittle down to the "bare essentials".
Out in the garage, I have tables set up and we are placing items on the tables for sale. Each item will be priced. What is it worth? What would you pay for that at a sale? So hard, to separate the emotional value from the street value. So, I price it and return a little later when I can be more objective. $2.00 for that? No way anyone is going to buy that for $2.00 for that! Mark it at 25 cents, and if truth be told, it probably isn't worth that, but it will be a bargain for someone like me. :-)
Today, my husband joins me as we continue to decide what stays and what goes. Did I want to get rid of the wood crates, my husband asks? "It would be good to get rid of some of them."
I love my old wood crates. They were ancient when I found them, over 20 years ago. I use them as spice racks in the kitchen and other knick knack decor. No, I did not want to part with them, yet. Besides, they are great for moving boxes, so it is not like they would be a waste to take with us.
What about the round copper wire mesh vegetable holder that hangs in the kitchen window? Well, it folds flat and takes up almost no room at all. Yes, I think I still want that, too.
"Here, is your little ceramic donkey and cart. Did you want to keep that"? I look at the bottom and it is Lefton China. Ok, maybe I am willing to part with this, but it is from the 1940's and in mint condition. I have GOT to have $20.00 for that.
He has brought many of my comfort things out here, to get rid of. The things that I identify with, as a reflection of who I am. My love of things rustic, antique, shiny. My sense of personal style, he wants to get rid of them all. Along, with the monthly hormones fluctuating, it is just too much to bear and the tears begin to well up.
"It looks like me might be living in separate houses, when all this is done", I say, as I am trying to find someplace to put the vegetable holder.
"Why do you say that, Honey?", he says looking fearful and sad.
"It feels like everything you want to get rid of is something that gives me joy. It feels like we are growing so far apart that we will soon have nothing in common". I cannot believe I am actually telling him this. It has been welling up in me for so long. He has already told me that he would like me to get rid of all, or nearly all of my books, my life's blood. He sees no need of them.
"Oh, no. I love you, I love everything about you, Honey. You know that." he says, as he draws me into a hug and holds me tight. "You mean everything to me and I want to be with you, always." holding me tighter.
I feel like he is trying to keep me and I feel like I am suffocating, because in order to stay with him, I have to give up what pleases me or feel the mirror of dislike of all those things that mirror who I think I am.
"You hate my crates, you hate my vegetable holder. You don't like my style, the things that make me happy. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. I just don't know if we can be happy together."
"I want to be with you and I think we can be happy. I love you. I love EVERYTHING about you", he says.
"You don't love everything about me. You might LOVE me very much, but you cannot say you LIKE everything about me. I feel like you really don't like who I am... inside", as I begin to sob at the sadness of the feelings coming up.
These things that I like, they are some mirror of who I think I am and he really doesn't like them. I have always known this. To him rustic, looks "poor", like we cannot afford better. It was fine in the apartment, but he hasn't wanted them here, for the last 14 years he has not wanted anything old or rustic I have added to the house. He tolerated them, then tried to get rid of them, at every chance. That probably isn't TOTALLY true, but it felt like that in the moment.
"I do, I do!", he says, trying to convince me.
"Don't say that when it isn't the truth! The time for truth is here. You MUST speak your truth, just as I MUST speak mine. We both deserve to be happy and have our lives the way we EACH want them. If you try to conform to my way, just so you can be with me, it is no better than me trying to conform to your way and being unhappy. The time for that is OVER. The time for hiding our truth is over. It is happening to people all over the world. If we are going to stay together, we have to start being in our truth with eachother. I cannot believe I am saying all this. Maybe it is just hormones bringing it up, but it is truth." My eyes are salty and dirty from the garage and the salt is burning, so I say I have to wash my eyes and head into the house.
I can feel him walking behind me, then I hear him walking up behind me. I know he is very worried. We are telepath with eachother, so nothing is really hidden except when we get stuck in emotions.
We go into the house and I wash my face in the sink, turn around, and say "The Indians used to have a place where the women go on their "moon time". I think it was about cleansing, that something about the monthly cycle allows for release and clearing of energies. Maybe that is what is going on now, things coming up to be cleared. I used to think it was because of PMS. I know my father would have liked to send my mother to a tent once a month." We laughed a little and hugged and he said he loved me again. I said I loved him and we headed back out to the garage to begin again.
I don't normally get "hormonal", but this move puts me out of my comfort zone of control. Thinking I am in control means safety, to me. I have been constantly in need to be aware of when I am controlling. I find myself saying "don't need to control that" in my head. Yet, somehow, I feel that by conciously NOT controlling, I am STILL controlling. So how does one truly let go of the need to control?
So, I am feeling a little out of control, weeping, feeling insecure inside, and unloved. I know he loves me, but it has never felt the way that I wanted it to. It only ever felt "right" that I should be with him, not overwhelming love. The only time I felt that, was when we made love, and he stopped that after I miscarried, out of fear I think.
So, now, I have somebody that I love, who loves me, but it is not enough. It feels empty inside and it is all coming out today.
We need to love ourselves, first. How can we feel secure inside and truly love someone else, if we do not like and love what is there inside of us, first. And how do we get there, to that unconditional self love? I am getting there, but it must be by osmosis, because I am just following blindly, trusting that I am getting there. Every day, it gets a little better.
I think it starts by being true to the self and living the life that makes your heart sing. We ALL know what that is, inside, at some level. We have to start doing it. Since I have a partner, I know that this means for us to learn to speak our truth to each other, now. Not later, after the move. Moving will not change anything but location. Now, is the time.
We are lovers, not fighters, both of us. We have not spoken harsh words, intentionally, our entire marriage, always conscious of the other person's feelings. That is why we are together in this life. We have to learn to speak our truth, no matter how it may feel to the other person. It is not OUR responsibilty how that other person feels about what we say, as long as it is said in love and truth. We both need to learn to let go of responsibility for what does not belong to us. And in doing this together, he and I, we will heal many old wounds GENTLY, and that is good, because we are both very sensitive caring souls.
It is funny how a moving sale can be such a tool for our highers selves, lol. I am no longer crying. It is just too funny. We get up at 4 this morning and the weather was so bad, we had to cancel the sale! Too funny.
Well, there is always next weekend. I wonder what revelations that will bring.
I have no idea, if my husband and I will ever get to that place of "true love", but it is clear to me, that we were meant to be together to work this out and I will stay until it is done. After that, we can decide together, what happens next.
