fighting for my life

hello all i just want to share a little something with you and im not sure why.i am currently coming out of a very deep deppression.there are people in life who tend to suffer from deppression more than otheres and i am one of them.i am 20 years old but feel like i have live a million years.my life has hit me very hard and there were times in my depression i felt i could not go on and was so determined to end it all.the dangerous thing about me is when i have something in my mind i dont threat i do and well you can imagine when i want to end my life i am determined and what has caused this i have no idea it could be 1 of a million things.but i might as well have been on a life support machine for the last four years as i have been dead.i dont blame anyone or anything and i am not hard done by but my life has been such a fight i never left my house i stayed in my room for 2 years crying and drinking every night until i met my partner who bless her has tried to sustain me but i am not an easy person.now dont get me wrong i dont walk around like a grump to the naked eye i am very happy always laughing n joking but inside i have felt so dead.i have attempted to end it all on many occasions but i the only way i have tried was tablets as if antthing happened i would want my family to see me in a normal state but at times no matter what or how much i take i dont even get sick.pprotection i suppose.there were times id smile at my partner and say bye kiss her n she would go out for the night and she would come home to find me unconcioous with notes there and well how silly do i feel when i wake up in hospital.the point is it never matterd when people asked me wether i was drunk sober happy or sad the answer was always the same i wanted to leave.now i know my life line is never going to be long as im not well ever neway but where i was was so dark and so strong and i fought it with every inch ofmy soul and have i beat it the answer is no but i have beat it for now but one day it will return and i shall be stronger to cope with things.if anyone knows anyone who has ended there lifes know it is not their fault its a disease and its harder than cancer at times as not a lot of people beat the deppression i had.every fibre of my being was negative and the whole world becomes my problem i got emotional about world problems that were not my own and i have my son to look after and i was being a crap dad which made me worse.my life is to change again soon and i will have to fight it again im sure but the point is i have battled this for 4 years and i got to a point where i was lying in the hospital bed and i thoght god i have to fight this but how the way i treated it was live every day a it comes but it never worked and well i was a useless person no job no life none of my friends wanted to know my family disowned me and all i had was my partner n my son and yes ending it all would have been selfish but the point was i had enuf and couldnt handle it i had a lump in my throat for 4 years because i was hurt by life.people tell you something will turn up but every day weeek month year it never did but i held out knowing i had to stick it out and i did.i am glad i stuck it out of course but i could never explain in words how i was feeling as it was like nothing in the dictionary.every job i went for no1 was willing to give me a chance but now i work on the phone lines giving counselling to otheres and i have helped many people as i have been where they are and i can see its so easy to look from a third person perspective but its so different when it you.everyone thought it was me getting attention but i dont think they realised how close they were to arranging my funeral after many attempts on my life the doctor told me my kidneys couldnt hold out as they were collaspsing and i would be dead in a week and i was so very happy that week i told people i was gettig better and i did but i couldnt believe it the doctor said it was a miracle and i was lucky but i didnt feel lucky i felt i couldnt even do that.i am clearly here for a reason the reason i have no idea but ill keep searching.i have no idea why i have wrote this but im sure someone is supposed to read this maybe.i am getting my life on track now but very slowly.the point is i was fighint myself for so long and its hard when the person who wants to kill you is you but i managed to beat myself.i just hope now i fufil my reason for being here.guys this is not supposed to be a sob story and i am sorry if it comes across this way i just wanted to share this.lots of love and light lightlover247 xxxx