Strength and Courage

Yesterday I read Shendra's account of her walk-in experience.
That has given me courage to share a bit more. I am tired.
I am scared. And when I took that silly chakra test I just
posted about, it said my heart chakra was way over active.
Yeah, I had been working on it. Sending out all those green
chakra hugs to people. I now need to go inward. Curiously
I read a website that said green was the color for the third chakra
Manipura - Solar Plexus for empowerment and self esteem.
I had thought Third was yellow, and that heart was green.

The color I have been craving lately is a sort of bright
rainforest lime green, which is a yellow-green. So maybe it's
a combination.

I am a bit overwhelmed, there are many things that I am
having to sort through, and making some changes that I
have been putting off for years. Maybe even shedding
contracts I have had for ages.

I need to ask for strength and courage. (yes I know i
have it somewhere inside of me) But Having outside
validation somehow helps. I am asking for enCOURAGEment.
(prayer request)

I feel like I am dying. I am sure that parts of me -are- dying
and this will be for the good. But going through it is very difficult.

I live alone. I have not been successful in maintaining
(romantic) relationships. And when I look at my circle of
friends, MOST right now have serious health or mental health
issues. I am trying to focus on spending time with the healthy
ones (a new thing) without feeling like I am abandoning the
ill ones. But I have been somehow abandoning myself.

I am so accustomed to taking care of others. Volunteering,
calling friends to see how they are. I notice when I stop calling
them, they stop calling me. My family is its own level of complexity
and has its own dynamics. They have in many ways been improving
over time in my nuclear family, but it's still hard.

Even though I do a lot of giving, I feel people rarely reach out to me.
(occasionally the minister at the church I had joined will call, but often I feel like it is because
they want me to volunteer for something, where the initial call is to
see how I am.)

Lightworkers is one of the only places I have found
where I feel like I get back as much as I give. And I am just sobbing
as I write this.

(pause)

I realize that the retreat center I go to, is also a place where I receive
good energy, and that I have for many years. But I have also paid for
going there. And on times when I did not pay I was volunteering in some way.
Yet I recently have felt like I "owe" the organization (why?) and I wanted to give
back so I volunteered to do some extra things, but I think I am overextended.
Probably what I was giving before was enough.

Even when I "drop hints" and express that I need some support people
don't pick up on it.

I know I need to do that more forthrightly. TO ASK FOR HELP.
So I am doing it now. Here in this good place, so that I may do so more readily in the
outside world.

And I also need to learn to create better boundaries and prioritize MYSELF.

In the Book "if the Buddha Dated" I found a list of negative core values
that we can have about ourselves that prevent us from developing relationships.
The one that resonated so strongly for me was "I do not exist" How can you
have a relationship if you don't exist. And I thought how did I do all those cool things?

How did I lecture at a prestigious medical school? How did I teach a workshop at
a renowned technical univesity? how did I do this if I do not exist. It was my SUPER
persona who did it. I was really Glenda the good witch of the North, showed up in
my bubble, waved my wand, did my thing, and then poofed off. *i* did not exist.

Writing this makes me feel very vulnerable. The fact that people read
these blogs and we don't know who they are or HOW MANY people read them
(I am still REALLY UPSET that they took away the ability to see how many people
read the blogs!!!!) makes me also feel vulnerable.

Yet I know from the positive feed back I have received that reading these things
helps others. And "living out loud" may somehow help others. I know I have been helped
by reading other people's blogs, even on other sites. (see below) These were
Ones I did not register to comment on. (If you have read this far, and you aren't a member
of lightworkers. It would be nice if you joined
us, you would get a lot out of it, and there is a reason you read this far. )

I realized that I had patterns in my life and relationships and I thought
that going to Alanon (especially Adult Children of Alcoholics) could be helpful
to me. I found someone's blog about it, and it helped me decide to go.
It was the ONLY writing I found about what an actual meeting was like
from an actual attendees perspective.

My parents were not active alcoholics, but their parents were. Alcoholism
is sometimes self medicating for other underlying conditions. And some of ht e
behaviors carry over from generation to generation.

Going to Alanon for 4 or 5 weeks was more helpful to me than a couple of
years of therapy. It is one of the things that has driven me inwards. But also
I feel alone there too. You are supposed to be able to get people's numbers
and call them, but two of the people I called never called me back. Doing the
4th step "taking a moral inventory of ourselves" is hard work. I started in on the
4th step, I was comfortable with the group that was working just on that step,
but then I heard that others took years before they did Step 4 work. I want to
dig right in. I want to change, and I want to change now. I know, impatient.

The reason I thought Alanon was a fit, was because I read the list of issues
"Adult Children" have and it felt like I was reading my diary. I feel liek I have these
unproductive behaviour of not sticking up for myself, not being able to convey
what I mean, and being afraid of upsetting the others just for being myself.

It might have been nice if I did a blog entry just on Alanon, but here it is embedded
with my asking for help with strength and courage to change.

Rest assured, I have many outside activities and things that I enjoy,
(so I don't think I fit the "classical depression" thing where I don't enjoy
things) but they are somewhat superficial. I dance salsa, I teach sailing. I recite poetry.
I go, I do. I come home. Poetry used to be more satisfying. But it has
gotten a negative energy. It's in a bar. The open mike runs too long
the feature goes on very late, and then I force myself to stay and don't
sleep well. It used to be like church for me. But I feel disconnected now.

I am feeling disconnected all over the place. Maybe I am trying to reconnect
with deep self. I need strength and courage to do that.

thank you for the blessing of your presence here at lightworkers dear reader.

Love to you, and open arms to receive as well.

-S a m a