I have a problem writing when I am troubled or depressed

I mean, come on, you know why I joined this site? For positive outflow. For that hope and uplifting message that brings someone elce out of dispair.
But the things that have been happening in my life, are somewhat rediculas on the bad luck scale.
ok. For example. I'm still living on an extention chord with inadaquit heat, hot water 3 days of 7, cable and net cut off. I use a bucket to flush my toilet! It's soo rediculas and in my openion sooooo illegal! But what do you say to a bald headed biker looking dude with a bad attitude that is a crank freak. Guys, I sat here for 3 days without a toliet and finially had to barrow a plunger from the neighbor because my landlord would not get out of bed. Or answer their door if they were out of bed, cause there is 2 onsite managers here, a couple no less that lives in seperate houses????? and neither of them will ever answer their doors, phone or email.
This place is on the market for sale but it will take, literally, a million bucks to restore it. It should be an historical site. It used to be the originall train station here in california right after the Old Oregon Trail was scourged across our Prarie. It's history goes back to the 1800's and it really is a beautiful place.
A few weeks ago my landlord came to me and said I need $200.00 to keep the net on. I gave him 100$ in advance for this months rent. A few days later he sent me an email kicking me out???? on the first saying haven't paid any rent???? Hello!!! In addition I had to just pay $75'00 to have internet connected here. Then he sent me a note saying we'll just call that advanced rent 'charity'!!!because I've been paying your electric!!! Folks, the chord was for heat and net, which is what he said was included in my rent. I had to go buy propane to heat the house because their little extention chord and tiny heater was not enough Now this month the guy is getting1100.00$ in rent!!! He raised my rent to 900.00, took an extra 100. from my room mates and the 100.00 i gave him in advance doesn't count. 900.00 was the agreed price after 3 months when all repairs here were made and that was supposed to include heat, hot water and internet and cable. I just fixed the water leak here..that was REALLY bad for free. Got a new hot water heater. Fixed several things and spent over 8 hours hauling out nasty garbage from the last tennants......months of personal household garbage including a bucket of human crap and there is still a few truck loads of garbage to go. I mean...I have 6 abandoned refregerators in my yard alone...it's overwhelming to me!
I barrowed a camera yesterday. So I can take pictures of all this crap..like it wioll really do me any good. I have a receipt from him that says rent in advance that he now calls charity.
Anyway. None of this is what is bothering me. What's really bothering me is the depression my room mate is going through. My son's friend that was homeless. First it was him and his girlfriend that I have been trying to help because they were homeless too. Since then, they have broke up, but both still live here. AAAAUGH!!! some days I tell you cutting the tension in the house because of their personal feelings for each other that do not even concern me. I have done my best to keep peace in the house by substanciating independacy and a daily awknowledgement from both of them to break patterns of co-dependancy. He feels she should be clean and sober if he has to, and folks, they are not together. Quite frankly, it's not his business what she does. He has no right to try to controll her life just so he can controll his own. He also kinda blew some of his rent money and has no job or money to offer for next month..[yet] To top it off, he has never before in his life stayed clean from drugs when he was off probation or testing. Usually he messes up with a bad test. He's my age. 40 something going on 9 emotionally because he's never really ever been sober as an adult. All he's wanted to do since he went to court 2 days ago is sleep. He has one more appearance and he is free. No probation. No testing. He's on medication too, efffexor for depression, and guys, he feels like dying. Anti-depressants should be called lets just kill me now and get it over with. Please forgive all my mispelled words here...you guys picked on me for my illiteracy now I'm self conscious..........anyway.....see..it's his heart that I worry about. I have checked into a few of these sites on alonon, friends and family of those who have had an addiction as phisically devistating as crank n such.
I mean guys, I kinda have been picking on him lately. Teasing him out loud about sleeping. I straight up fronted him off in front of my son for trying to get Cynthia, his x here to get him drugs! Excuse me!!! I told him today, that would be the only thing that would get him kicked out here....no drug slinging! Folks, I don't butt into peoples business or tell them how to live their lives...but..I have a choice about MY enviornment. It was really effecting my enviornment, his negative attitude and sleeping 24/7. I live in a one room studeo! His bed is the whole center of my house! Sorry. It's like, impossible to miss someone is sleeping. Drives me personally NUTS!!! I want to jump up and down on his bed! Screaming! Get up get up!!! the day is a wasting!!!So the frstration in me has been building. I told him when I went to cash my check today, you better not be still here sleping when I get back. and he was. But no one elce was here. I emailed his worker and asked him to talk to him. Then I called my son........God I LOVE my son!!! He's still at Turning Point He went to an NA convention last week and this month he's going to host his first NA meeting, about drug addictions..aand try to help others as he is striving to help himself. 7 months clean now, only 2 locked up this last time. He didn't get violated because he blew it and did the drug thing.he was doing good out here.shouldn't have been driving....anyway.I call my son when I get back and find tommie still in bed. My phone is my computor and when I talk to someone, they are on intercome over my computor. So he heard my son's voice very well. I told on tommie. Jon asked me how i was doing..said i'm worried...about your friend...tommie is 6 feet from me, i know he hears every word! Even that didn't seem to work.
So I went over and sat on his bed and laid my hand on his arm. I said, Tommie, please understand, I'm doing all this because I really am worried about you. I don't know how to help you or what to do. Please try to just talk to me. I don't know what's going on in your head or understand how your feeling! Please look at me. Please try to talk to me............and he just broke down and started crying. He tried to crawl in a hole and couldn't breathe.........he never cries....ever ever.he said........he said he just feels like dying.and he doesn't know why he feels that way...................i asked him if he had been taking his meds and went through the common sence check list till I finially said....what you feel right now, and what you know, are 2 different things right now, that's why what you feel right now doesn't make any sence. All I can really say, is that this moment right now will pass, like labor pains passed when I was birthing kids, and before I knew it, that moment was a memory from yesterday.already passed..and I no longer felt that way. This will pass. Ect ect. and i cried and gave him a hug and said I don't know the words to reafirm your faith. to encourage you and make you fight and perk up. But I love you. I believe in you. I won't give up on you.....now go back to sleep. Cause the emotional moment he had when he finially started to talk to me, and vent...cry...release...friends, it felt like a ton of water flowing over the top of me and spilling out until I felt quite weak, and drained. He fell right back to sleep.
I may not have handled this right, I don't know. Though I have ligitament concerns like his staying clean here, trying...ect....I felt no anger, or frustration or none of that. When he finially started talking, all I could feel for him was compassion, sarrow, a sence of lostness, feeling lost like a child would.........my dear friend tells me every situation can be handled in and through LOve.
O Love may I not stumble today....
O Love may I not fall
But if I trip, may I not pout a lip
By remember You catch it all.........
My computor crashed too. I just got lightworkers back on here today. and, like i said, if my life wasn't posotive shut my mouth because i dont want to infect another with something negative. Its hard to always turn every negative thing into something posityive, especially when time hasn't allowed that circumstance to bare fruit of something positive yet....but even crawling in my own corner, like i've been watching my room mate do, I still light a candle every single day in my mind for each of you. For you generous giving of love and positive energy in my little speck on the globe. A few times, your love alone sustained me to survive a day and ever will I love you all for that.
I still long to write and recalll things from my life that I find more so now to be utterly fantastic! But I think it's fantastic if you can understand what a bird says or hear a Great Oak, or see rainbow around people or know the utter joy and fullfillment of a hug from someone on the other side of the world or hear the moon sing..lifew...life is utterly fantastic and love is beyond words or my own understanding. I do thank Love for these challanges and these lessons...if any of you have any advice indealing with recovering addicts please take time to tell me. Insight would be so welcomed and appreciated.
Also I had a lovely visit with my grandkids. They told me a secret. They said they are just waiting. They said, they remember my song. For both of these indego children to confess this to me in itself is a revalation.........i can't explain it. But subconsciously I bonded with both of them, as I have others, through certain..notes and tones. Those notes and tones become that persons' song. I cant explain it, but I have written a song for everyone i have ever loved and they have never forgot the song, or what it ment, no matter what ever happened.....but music now.that's a whole nether chapter of my life...