Pacing and Waiting and Pacing

For most of my life, I have searched for 'my purpose.’ I figured if I uncovered this great mystery, my crazy life would become smooth. This whole search became my life obsession which prevented me from living in the moment, and at times, enjoying my life. Frankly, I think I went about the whole process wrong. I listened to other people’s advice and hungered for their approval which left me lost and needy. Meanwhile, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, my mission was with me all along- I was meant to help people. This truth, however, was often ignored, shoved aside or denied because of my fear of failure. As I have grown older, calmer and more grounded, this truth began to become clearer until I had no other choice to pursue this passion. In addition, I found many people a mutable and can be one a thousand things in one lifetime- which is also my nature.

Despite my realizations, it wasn’t until this spring I had the courage to pursue my dream and apply to several graduate schools to prepare for a career in a helping field. This past month and half I submitted all my applications and paperwork to my chosen schools (which was another small miracle because I am a chronic procrastinator). Everything was in and I was feeling positive about the whole process. I also watched The Secret and figured applying the Law of Attraction couldn't hurt and I made a habit of thanking universe for this future opportunity as well as visualizing receiving my acceptance letters, attending classes and receiving my diploma. My guides told me everything would work out well.

Then, I hit a snag. One of my references has not yet submitted her reference letter on my behalf to the majority of my schools. I spoken to this person twice and she has reassured me that she will still send them. Despite her best intentions, however, this still has not taken place. Now, the deadlines for these courses are almost a month overdue and I am starting to panic. How could my whole future be impacted by one detail? Frankly, I am very angry about this whole situation and the stress has turned my normal ‘nice’ disposition into a Ms. Hyde, frustrated lunatic. Lately, I have been low on patience, picking fights, flying to a rage or overacting before having all the information or facts of a situation (especially with the person in question). Rationally, I know I need to take a deep breathe and calm down, but I hate that I cannot control this is one crucial part of this process.

Meanwhile, I have been reading Eat, Pray, and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert which is a fantastic read. In the book, the author writes about her experience going through a painful divorce. For whatever the reason, it took her ex-husband two years to finally agree to end the marriage. Desperate for a resolution, the author complains to her friend about the agony, exhaustion and pain the divorce has caused both her and her husband while driving across country. Her ingenious friend suggests they write a letter to God pleading for her husband to finally sign the divorce papers. Then, they imagine the letter is a petition and have everyone they can think of- friends, family, historical figures, celebrities, etc. - to sign her letter. They think of names for two or three hours and, finally, the author receives a call from her lawyer that her ex-husband signed the divorce papers and she was free.

I have been wondering if this same technique would work for me, beyond all my visualization, thanking God for my future opportunities and other meditation techniques. I guess the first thing I need to do is let go of the anger and have more faith. This is surprisingly difficult because I know in my heart going to graduate school to study this field is the right thing to do at this point in my life. I am not sure if this is appropriate, but would any of you would be willing to send some good vibes and encouraging thoughts my direction on this issue? If so, I would greatly appreciate. Basically, the only I desire is to have this person send in the reference form and- then have fate or whatever universe/ God has in store take its course. I hope for a real chance- to begin the rest of my life.

Thanks for reading…