I would not change a thing...NOW!!!

This is going to be a tough one for me to write. So please 'bare' with me on this one. I have been doing some major spring cleaning (as I AM sure we all have) and this is the 8000 lb dust bunnie I have walled into a corner. This is something that I rarely talk about and few people who know me know this about me.

"Childhood is over the minute you know your gonna die" Top Dollar 'The Crow' 1994

These words have haunted me since I first saw the movie because they ring so true in my life. When I was just six years old my mothers drug induced boyfriend murdered my 5 year old brother Christopher James Clarke. We were both taking a bath playing and splashing around like kids do. He came into the bath and beat me and my brother for splashing water on the floor. I survived the attack Christopher did not. While my mother was passed out in a drug stupor, my older brother and I pulled his lifeless body from the tub and I remember using a toilet paper roll to listen for a heartbeat. I remember I could only hear my own heartbeat...so many times since then I have wished that I could have replaced mine with his! This began a spiral of equally traumatic events that I will not cover in this blog...maybe later.

Needless to say my entire life has been coloured by memories of these events. I know to this day I have walled off other memories and feelings to protect myself. I miss my brother!

These events and others made me into a very guarded and skeptical person. I do not trust many people and I am not a 'social' person. I can be extremely charming and social when needed but deep down I do not like people and I AM most comfortable being alone. I know this may sound harsh but truth is truth and I have to let it out. This may add some understanding to one of my first blog posts called 'Trust'.

The events of my life have lead me to a be person that cannot stand violence abuse and disharmony AT ALL! I will not fight, argue or harm anyone for any reason or in anyway. Part of it is just my nature, but part of it is out of pure fear. Fear of myself. I have harbored pure rage inside of me for so long I am afraid to let it out. I AM afraid of what I might do if it gets out. I have one of those tempers that if I 'loose' control of it, I loose control of me. I literally see 'red'. So I will do anything not to loose my temper. You can beat me kick me abuse me and I will not react because I fear what I will do. Some people will take advantage of that...(believe me I know) I have just learned to 'walk away'.

I now know that all of these experiences have been a lesson for me. In the past 6 month's or so I have come to the realization that all of this has been a training exercise for what I am to become. It may be a Karmic 'payback' for past lives I have had. At this point I AM really not sure and it's really not important to my '3rd' dimensional mind at this point.

I AM still moving toward acceptance of all of the lessons of my life. Quite frankly I AM very proud of myself for my performance in the face of the events of my life. It's seems that no matter how hard I was kicked, no matter how far down I fell. I still managed to do the right things. Believe me I had to have a lot of help along the way. When I get the opportunity I owe some Angels a whole lot of gratitude for pulling me through.

The main point I want to make here is this. My whole life I have refused to play the 'poor me'! I accept, grow learn and move on to the next. Now please don't get me wrong...I have had some glorious times in this life stream and I cherish each and every one of them!!! I have been given some amazing gifts, some I AM just now learning about. I AM learning that the 'bad' stuff were gifts too!!!

I wouldn't change a thing...NOW!!! Because I now know that without them I would not be the GLORIOUS WONDERFUL AWESOME HUMAN BEING THAT I AM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM THAT I AM

I AM a WELL TRAINED LightWorker and I know that I AM ready for any task or mission that is assigned to me. I know that I can accomplish anything!! My Creator has made sure of that and I AM VERY GRATEFUL! Thank you Father Aton and Mother Nebadonia for the beautiful gifts you have bestowed upon me. I AM ready to pass them on...

Thank YOU for taking the taking the time to share this with me. We are one! My strength is your strength! My Love is YOUR Love! My Light is YOUR light. So be it! NAMASTE! Mark