Finding your place...

Lately, I have been researching different spiritual terms, such as star seed, indigo/crystal, empath, angel, etc. I am fascinated by people who connect to these terms so strongly and seem to have a Eureka moment saying: AHA! That is me! It explains so much! Finally they have answer, an understanding why they are so different then 'normal people.' There is a reason for all their strange experiences, unique abilities, intuitions, talents and insights. This revelation makes everything fit perfectly together and gives them a destiny, a direction and identity.

Then, there are people like me. I feel like I am in this strange middle ground between the people who identify with these terms and everyday ordinary people. I have spiritual insight and faint experiences those people have, but know deep down inside I am only scratching the surface. My life and spiritual journey has been like stumbling around an old Victorian house at midnight with no electricity. The only light sources are from the moon and starlight shining through the window and my matches and candles (which I have plenty of, but either forget I have them or can't find them half the time). Sometimes, I am treated to seeing a room in light when the occasional soul mate or teacher makes a cameo appearance in my life. They walk into my house briefly, turn on a lamp in one the rooms (for some reason they have the power to magically turn them on), stay for a day or two and turn off the light when they leave. Then I have to rush around and find a pad to write down every truth they told me or where my favorite couch is located. As time has passed, this house has become my home. I no longer stumble in the dark, but walk with certainty up and down the stairs, make tea in the kitchen without burning myself, sit on my favorite couch daily and have better recall where I put those candles and matches. It seems as I become more grounded and less frantic in my life, light from the outside has begun to fill the house. Frankly, I think day-break is coming, but definitely not on my time schedule. (However, does anything really come on our time schedule?)

I used this analogy of a dark house at midnight because I have had limited clarity or validation of knowing who I am and what I am supposed to do here. Despite being born into a wonderful family, I lived with low-self esteem and depression for years and had great difficulty finding true value in myself. As a result, I looked to outside sources to find love, acceptance, approval and hope. It is truly fitting that I was forced to look inward to find my true nature, my potential and my connection with the divine (with the help of some fantastic individuals). Now, I feel like I am now starting the main part of my journey and finally recognize why I chose to go about this process 'the hard way.' My experiences have made me very aware of my humanity and everything that comes with it- my fear, my weaknesses, my strengths, my mistakes, my compassion and my hope. All these things will make me a better healer, seeker, friend, aunt, partner and whatever else I will be.

I am almost okay some people- star-seeds, crystal/indigo adults, psychics, incarnated angels, etc. - are more powerful, more intelligent, have more wisdom or understanding with their place in the universe at age five then I did in my late 20s. Sometimes, I envy the fact they can see spirits versus 'feel them vaguely,' or have visions of major events versus having pre-cognitive dreams about eating sandwiches. Of course, this is all ego (and the kid in me that thinks it would be cool). The deeper part of me knows not to be intimidated because everyone's journey is so individual and personal. The truth I need to fully acknowledge is I have work to do in this life and better get on with it.