How to find that which seems lost forever.

How to find that which seems lost forever.

People that knew me as a young boy always tell me how I am too good for this world. The feelings and memories from my younger years are always loving warm and clear. If I had to give a color to this I'd say its all orange and pink.
Perhaps I was too good for this world. Not the world as in the Mother, but the world as in our current society.
Throughout the following years I have met a world of hurt. The pain flowed through me, untill at some point it overflowed and repressed the love, warmth and obviousness of how life should be or have been. I'm guessing part of this pain is my own, but other parts are foreign to me. What I'm taking in could be the pain of others, or even the pain of Mother Earth. I can't say for sure, who ever can?

My heart ever wounded, at some point I started looking for ways to subdue the pain. I tucked it away, sought ways to escape my reality, sought ways to escape feeling altogether.
I succeeded at hiding from my feelings most of the time, not knowing that in hiding lay great dangers. By hiding for myself I allowed an opening for darker emotions. Anger, Hate, Fear were much on my mind. I took these as a strength to counter the pain, and in doing so forgot all about my earlier years on this planet, where everything was good, where love was ever available from within myself, to freely give to others.
This was my darkest period. I used drugs, tried to inspire fear in others, based my judgement on anger, even hated my life, the world, everything.

Don't ask me how I ever made it through this dark period. I am often amazed that I made it through alltogether.
All I know is at some point my body started physically rejecting the crap I was taking in. I took it as a signal that I was not on the proper road to wherever I'm heading. Quitting some of the poisons I used on myself was easy enough, though it threw me in a dark hole, I like to think of it as a cleansing. I came through it in the end, retaking life's first steps as if born anew, but not without scars. I replaced most dark emotions I had toward the world towards myself and my family.
I loathed myself and my family, seeing only how I was wronged in my upbringing, how wrong I had been in the path I had chosen.

I sought long and hard for forgiveness in my heart, knowing I couldnt live a life hating myself for matters that had happened and lay behind me in the past. At some point I found it. I forgave myself and later my family. And I accepted.
I started accepting myself and my surroundings. Accepting "life" as it is. I reopened my heart, and I now try to feel whatever is inside it. I nullified the grip anger and hate had on me through acceptance. With the dark emotion fear still left in me, I feel its grip weakening as I look further into myself.
This is pretty much where I am now. I just wanted to share it, I dont know exactly why I wanted to share this, but I feel like if anyone can help me make sense of whats happening its the people in this community.

What I'm looking for is to refind me as I was born. I know I will forever have scars of what I've done. But I'm looking for a way to somehow repair what damage I've done. To myself and to the world.
I have once more taken up my part into making the world a better place. I try not to judge, I try not to lie to myself or others anymore. Difficult as it may sometimes be. I try to voice my feelings and I try to love unconditionally.

This is my path of how to find that which seems lost forever.

We are all equally united in love. We will open like a spring flower someday, the path is set, we only need walk it.