Letting go seems monumental

Where did it all come from?
An electrician is coming to the house in a couple of hours, to look at replacing old wiring. The kitchen still has dishes from dinner last night and I know my husband would love to come home and see it clean, as he is easily embarrassed by the mess.
So, I am doing the dishes and feeling pretty good. It is sunny outside, even though there is snow on the ground. Somewhere it happens. I begin questioning my feelings about my mother and my childhood. It seems that every time I think I have forgiven her, something brings it back or I tricked myself into thinking it was gone in the first place.
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Letting go, is not one of my strong suits. "rock polishing", as I like to call it, is an ancient pastime in my family, handed down carefully, from generation to generation. Take this memory out of the bag you carry on your back, shine it up, cry a little, and pull out the next one. I was often fascinated by my Grandma and the polishing she did about things that happened 75 years before. She still cried as she talked about these and still held onto so much anger. I thought I would NEVER be a rock polisher, but here I am doing it today. As I catch myself saying "how could my mother do this to us? she was supposed to protect us, etc", I see what I am doing(polishing) and begin to look at what she did FOR us, and vice versa. This usually brings me out of it, but it still hurts inside.
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On some level, I KNOW that I chose to be born into the family and that there were agreements about what some of the experience would be like. However, it doesn't change the way I FEEL. How do I forgive? Forgive myself, forgive my family. I am not sure I really know how.
It isn't like I haven't tried. I have been searching for an answer to this question "How do I forgive", for at least 25 years. I have read a hundred things on forgiveness, but if it doesn't resonate within, how do you do it? Intention, just doesn't seem to be enough. Hell, my mother has been trying to forgive her mother for about 40 years.
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And I end up hating myself, because I hate her for what she did, and what she didn't do. I love her and I hate her. Such a strong word, hate. I don't think I have used it about anyone since I was a teenager. and now, I feel the hate coming up from the depths. But, hate is BAD, so I am BAD, says the 5 year old inside. I KNOW this is not true, but I FEEL it is the truth. How to let it all go?
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So, I ask for guidance and I blog here. What is it that I have missed? Perhaps, I will have a dream, or read a post. I don't need this anymore. It does not take me where I want to go. Time to find a way to truly let go of the past. Time to quit being a victim of it. Time to end the suffering. Keep the learning, but release the pain/anger and forgive all concerned.