Being Alone; First time or Again?

Like so many of us...

I say that because I hope its true, I think it is.

Like so many of us I grew up feeling alone and misunderstood. My parents weren't bad or abusive, in fact they were quite perfect and they are still together and still take care of us and I know they really love us. But what they are is totally mired in the system. Like many European or South American (I'm both, hee hee) immigrants they devoted their whole adult lives to the mighty dollar. Working 14 hour days cause the "Lazy American's" didn't know how to really take advantage of their system. I mean any people that are willing to give some third party money to deliver to their door something they could have gotten themselves for pennies in gas, now these were a people ripe for the picking. "We shall open a Pizza joint!" My Grandfather once must have thought. "And we shall use it take as much money as we can, and we will work ourselves so as to not have to pay employees, and we will work for 14 hours and never go home because here we can make money."
And so I was raised in the back of a Pizza place. I don't cry when I cut onions because I have been doing that since I was 6. But thank God the day came when I was to go to school and finally my day could be devoted to more than money. Of course all my free time was spent "helping out" after school and on the weekends.

The whole point of that background is to try to explain the confusion and disapproval on the faces of my loving family whenever I express a lack of interest in helping to hoard. I once told my grandmother (picture stereotypical short, wrinkled, plump, Italian lady with lots of gold and lots of Catholic iconography on the walls.) I told her that I was considering spending the next year attending a Seminary school in order to more fully explore various different religions and philosophical thoughts I had been having. Also I wanted to look into finding some kind of Ministry that I could become a part of. Something preferably non denominational, where I could devote several years of life to helping people in some way. I really want to go to places in the world where I could be of help in some way. I don't have much in the way of skills so I thought maybe I could help in other ways.

Her reaction is still a shock. She turned her eyes to sky and mumbled in Italian to God. Asking How "SHE" could have ended up with such a lazy grandchild.

That pretty much sums it up.

I would leave right now and go off into the world and do whatever I can but it turns out you need money to volunteer. I'd go live in a monastery somewhere far off and contemplate existence but I can't afford that either apparently.

So I was gonna stay home with the one I have loved for over 3 years and learn what I can and teach those around me. Except what I was learning scares her too much to listen and it turns out I wasn't making enough money to enjoy that existence either; and she left last week.

So for the first time in my whole life I am beholden to no one. I have no commitments to any persons save my parents and all I really have to do at this point is just not COST them any more money and they are happy with that now that they have given up on me.

But what do I do?

Where do I go?

It was following my heart and listening to all these images in my head that led me to sit here now surrounded by no-one and silence.

I remember always feeling different and misunderstood but then thats just being a kid and then a teenager isn't it? A lot of people claim to have felt that way. Of course these people STILL don't understand me. I don't watch what they watch, read what they read, listen to what they listen to, dream about what they want. I told my brother today the worst part about being broke is not: Not having a sweet car or big TV. Its not being able to buy candy when ever I want. I want some damned candy!

He laughed and said "Thats what makes you YOU!"

I suppose it is.

My whole life can be summed up into a fruitless search for candy I can't afford. I have never wanted much more than a simple existence and to have the chance to learn and love and be loved. Oh and to change the world, but thats not that much.

Except that I WILL NOT EVER participate in "Dog Eat Dog"
And because of this defiance against the order of things I am to never be allowed my dreams?

We'll see about that.