dreaming

This morning I realized an over all theme to my dreams. Im always an outcast. Always right there on the fringe of some group. Everyone is always giving me shit about something. Then I realized, hey that sounds familiar, its just like my life. I dont know if this is common but I want to term something and I call it the "fuck you point". My ’fuck you point’ is forever ingrained in my mind because it was the day I went AWOL from the army. Up until that point I basically just took everbody’s shit and was afraid to say anything back because I was so concerned with what others thought of me. The ability to read people has its downfall. If you are self concious and you know how people feel about you it can make you alter your behavior to fit within others perseption of the world. As a child though when you are left to fend for yourself it becomes survival instinct which eventually becomes habit. So the day I told the army to go fuck itself was the day I told the world the same thing. Then I was overbearing with it for years, not necessarily fighting but being so intimidating that others wouldnt want to approach me with their caca. Now Im loosing that harshness and openning to the middle. Its funny, I dont feel like a dramatic person, I feel very calm and peaceful but the intensity of things have certainly made a soap opera out of my life. Well maybe not a soap opera, the acting is too good :)

Last nights dream was a little different. It makes me feel like one of the characters was not from the usual stable, like it was an outside influence. I was running from the cops after they caught me doing coke on a picnic table. I went to this house and there was some guy doing lawn work. He let me hide in his little basement area. Later he invited me to a cookout. At the cookout I was smoking a ciggarette and ashing on the ground, when I looked up everyone was looking at me and they immediately started giving me shit about ashing on the ground. I was embarrassed because I just wasnt thinking, not trying to disrespect anyone. The guy then comes out and tells them to leave me alone, that he was impressed by how much of an individual I was willing to be ( not those exact words ). It felt amazing. I woke up and decided that regardless of the choices I make, life was absolutely worth living. It really hit a chord inside of me. One of the major things Ive been healing is the feeling of no one having my back. I feel almost invunerable most of the time. Its not something I tell myself, I know what it feels like to be vunerable and its just not how I feel 95 percent of the time. This feeling though its so interesting. It makes me want to cry. Im very passionate about sticking up for people but then who sticks up for me? This is one of the reasons Ive felt so alone for ao long. My answer, this glorious day, is that I stick up for me and thats all that matters. Underneath all the bullshit I am surrounded by Angels. The Goddess has always been there for me. The the more I experience God in my heart the more I realize I have always been supported.

Picture yourself, sitting on this beautiful white cloud. It is more comfortable then anything you can imagine, the sky above you is so blue Picasso would be speechless. In front of you is a book. A book You picked out from a massive library. This book is special. As you read it you become so engrossed in the character you actually forget yourself and become that character. Isnt that the point of reading a great book? What if while you where reading someone came along during the most intense part and yelled at you,"Hey you are not that character". Would that not defeat the purpose of reading the book in the first place?

We are in such a ’rush’ to release our sorrow or change our prediciment we forget to be where we are at in the moment we are there. How much will you get out of this life? How honestly are you living your character? How would you feel, right now, if the veils where lifted and you saw it was only a play. That nothing was ever lost. If you realized that it was actually really ’easy’, would ’hard’ then seem so ’hard’? Enjoy separation while you can, dear friends, once the truth opens to you your opinion of the soap opera will changed dramatically.

In a place where there is no pain, what would be the value of experiencing pain?

Namaste