Soul to Soul

Soul to Soul

Fear. I know what fear is. I danced with it, was paralyized by it, got sick of it.

I was raised by an "evil" man. My step father. My true nature is that of a carefree boy, wide eyed and trusting of the world. I lived my entire childhood in fear. He only hit me once but what he did was way more damaging at least to the type of person I am. The complete mental fuck. I remeber one time, after coming in from the snow I couldnt get my boots off because they were encrusted with ice. I asked him if he could help me. He gave me a stare down. Those eyes. They could melt ice, pure evil. Then somewhere from inside of me ,as I was shaking, this question popped in my head and came out of my mouth. I asked him if he ever smiled underneath his beard. He went off, started screaming at me and told me to go to my room. I sat down with my hands behind me to prop myself up a. He came in and told me not to move. I didnt move, not a finger. This is the embodiment of fear. I ended up peeing in my underware. When he came in I had to tell him. He made me take them off and showed them to my mother telling her what a baby I was. He then made me get in my bed and told me not to move. I wouldnt even allow my chest to raise for fear that it was too much movement. He was my devil, fear incarnate. He knocked huge ass dudes out with one punch. Everyone was afraid of him. I watched him choke my mother on my bed and she passed out. All I could do was run. I remeber being next door getting them to call the cops, again. Thinking my mother was dead. Hit me Ill get over it. Twist my mind up, now thats a motherfucker.

As a teenager, I was completely self concious. Always worried about what others thought of me. The mind can be a prison. One way it manifested was that I would never take my shirt off when I went swimming. At the beach, the pool, it didnt matter. One summer I was staying at my mothers in Jersey while I lived in Florida with my real Dad ( aslo an asshole, but for different reasons ). I went to the beach with the neighbors. I wanted to feel the sun on my back so badly but was afraid of the way I looked. They finally got me to unshirt. The whitest boy in Jersey, flagging planes down, blinding small children. They said arent you from Florida? Definitaley humorous. I was incredibley uncomfortable at the time but something happened. That was the beginning for me. When I started to take my shirt off. Something inside was so tired of giving a shit about shit that just didnt matter. Once I felt the sun I refused to go back.

At this time I also started to notice all the bitter people around me. I felt a difference. Somehow I was still niave. It was at this point I decieded that I will always be a boy. That the world will never take my niavity. I also found my first little tool to help the fear to loose its hold. I would think, how will I feel about this on my deathbed? Regret is bitch. Regret will make you bitter. Essentially it transfers your personal power to past experiences, or percieved missed experiences. I didnt want to be 50 thinking about the some silly girl I felt I should have tried harder to talk to when I was 23( as one example )...was she the one, could it have been perfect, etc...the questions your mind can come up with are endless and horrifyingly paralyizing and you cant do shit about the past. Your power will always reside in the present.

So here I am. I was in two branches of the military ( I only mention this becasue there is such an intensity of experience involved ). My mother, my dsyfunctional best friend, part of me feels my only family because of what we went through together, died in a car wreck in my early 20's. And I was raised by the devil. Yet Im a carefree soul. Still a niave little boy, eyes wide open climbing trees and not alowing farts to sit underneath the covers because they will make your toes curl. But I am not special. You are exactly what you think you are. Once you realize that you can stop thinking about it and really become yourself. Do you want to feel the sun on your back? Your mind has as much power as you let it. Your heart tells you what to do without words.

Imagine this

Your life

You, as your soul, are a conducter standing in front of an orchestra as large as your imagination....behind you the rest of the world, the audience. We being the free people we be, have a choice. When you start to conduct the audience shouts out the way they think it should sound, in your heart resides your song that only you can hear. What do you listen to? What if your song sucks...play it this way and it will sound great. What if you cant conduct...let me take over and it will be great. What if you screw the whole thing up and burn down the building...let me do it for you.

Listen to the audience and you never get to hear your song.

Nor will the world.

Perhaps its just my truth but if there is another point to being alive besides being yourself I have never encoutered it, nor will I spend another iota of breath thinking about it. I have always had a negative view on God. For the longest time I couldnt even read a book with the word God in it. Through my hearts song though, I have realized its religion I dislike because religion is a controlling entity. Say what you will but I found God and God is me, my heart. Just as God is your heart. We are all little pieces of God. If religion showed you this truth who would fund the churches? Wherever You are is the house of God.

Listen to my song if you want to, or dont, matters not to me.

I get to hear it.

It is time for conductors to come togther.

Fear is a personal choice. We can inspire but the power of change resides within the individual. As the world moves into its next stage some will be left behind. It will take strength to understand this. Now is the time to fix yourself.

Unity through love

Independent togetherness

Blessings and prosperity to the cultivation of your garden

Namaste