Is Your Heart In It?

Is Your Heart In It?

I was asked for an update today on the energy that I talked about in Feeling Empty? I feel the same way that person does, that I'm about as empty as I can get, and where's that new that was supposed to pull up in my driveway?

So I'm tuning in, and I'm telling you what I'm getting, both intuitively and through the things happening to me in my own life.

The energy's just not there yet. You're not alone. I know what you feel like, that every day you continue to feel like this, you wonder if maybe everyone else *has* moved on, and you're just crazy or depressed or doing something wrong. Nope, it's just not there yet.

But there is a part for us to play in this, too. What I've found is that even when I felt I had released all I had to, there was something else I was settling for. Something else I was letting drain me. Something else I was doing or keeping or saying out of obligation, rather than because my heart sang for it. And when I released that something (those somethings), I experienced a lunge forward like I could barely believe.

So you'll want to ask yourself, is there something I am keeping out of obligation? A job, a possession, a relationship, an agreement, a commitment, anything...that my heart is NOT in?

Six days ago I had a dream where a friend of mine was dying, and I was telling her I could help because I was a Naturopath. I am not a Naturopath, but I've studied natural medicine extensively. In the dream, I said it because I felt it would help her understand what I knew in the simplest way possible. I also told her I was a Reiki Master Teacher, which IS true. A guru stepped up to me and said, "Is your heart in it?" I was flustered, and mumbled, "Sometimes..." Because Reiki is not where my heart is at, most of the time. I'm trained in it. I've used it and seen miracles. And I certainly rely on it from time to time in my own life and with friends and family, but it's NOT what makes my heart sing. Natural medicine is. I have always been fascinated with it, and I research natural medicine topics for fun for hours and hours, writing up reports that I never show to anyone. As a teen, I wanted to go to medical school but couldn't stand the allopathic ways, the cut-throat competitiveness, the whole energy of the health care system. I wanted to somehow go into medicine without all that, but there was no real way to do that back then, and I've looked into it over and over since then and it's never been quite doable for me, either because of time or money or both.

So I worked hard to squelch that dream. I denied my heart and told it that would never happen, and I took side routes to piece together something kind of like what I really wanted. I got a degree in psychology, some graduate training in counseling, had my spiritual awakening and got trained in Reiki, learned all about energy and color and light and crystals and ascension and herbs and essential oils and...but it was never what my heart REALLY sang for.

Since that dream with the guru, all I could think about was that my heart was NOT in Reiki, but that what I really wanted was what I had told my dying friend in the dream. I wanted to be a Naturopathic Physician. The day after the dream, the desire was still there, flickering in my heart. I told my partner and then dismissed it, figuring it would dissolve, like most of the little sparks of inspiration I experience during the lull.

But the next day, I asked myself, is it still there? It was. I went on with my life, thinking about it in the background from time to time throughout the day.

The next day, I woke and asked myself, is it still there? And yes, I still had the desire. Now, any desire at this point is something so completely foreign and welcome in the midst of this deep, dark lull of energy, and I was just grateful to WANT anything at all. But I still didn't pursue it, afraid it would die like the flame of a match in a strong wind. I just wanted to keep wanting, at this point. I was afraid pursuing it would spoil everything and bring me crashing back to reality.

The fourth day, my very first thought upon awakening was, is it still there, this desire to be a Naturopath? It was. I wandered out to the computer and, chattering with my partner, found myself doing a search, absently looking at my options for a possible distance education.

Within moments, I had found a perfect program. Very affordable, completely online, fully accredited, with distinguished, exciting, enlightened faculty from all over the world. Every course looks like play to me, and the vitae of the faculty lists Medical Law and Ethics PhD next to Angelologist. I read and cried and read and cried, afraid each moment I would stumble upon something that would take this miracle away from me. But every moment I read, I only found more and more to reassure me that I could have this. This was mine to take. After all this time, it had manifested out of thin air.

I'm enrolling as soon as I get my transcripts. I have never felt so excited about a career move in all my life.

The exact same thing happened to my partner, who has had a dream of teaching dance, but has felt it was unattainable, so she took a job which was okay but that her heart was definitely not in. A few days ago on that job, something happened that showed her she cannot stay there, and a day after that, she found herself approaching two people she didn't even know, not having any idea why or what she was going to say to them. She found herself telling them of her dream to teach dance, and they both told her they'd sign up that day.

Having experienced my own lunge forward and smelling the scent of 'new energy' all over this, I pushed her to pursue this lead. She was struggling against the same resistance I had felt with mine and didn't want to take any steps, afraid it would all fall apart as soon as she did, but I can be pretty persuasive, and I pushed her out the door to inquire about renting studio time.

It didn't fall apart. It all came together. And now she's putting together her class and planning to quit her job within the next few weeks.

So, does this mean the energy is back in? No. I'm still fighting with my partner every night, because we're each looking to the other to provide what's missing out there...that rush of energy, of pleasure, of happiness...and we can't provide it for each other, because it's just not there to be harvested from the energy around us. I'm still achy and sore and irritable and exhausted and weak and nauseous much of the time, and I still have no interest in food or much of anything else in my life, looking for something, anything, that sounds the least bit pleasurable, eking out trickles where usually there is an abundant flow.

But I experienced a lunge forward that is a tiding of things to come. I know what that world looks like, where science and spirituality meet, where talking about angels causes people to lean in, eyes wide with interest, rather than lean away looking for someone else more sane to talk to. Where you say you're giving a class and people line up to sign up. I know it's here all around us now, still mostly hiding in the corners, building strength, until the day the lights come back on and energy comes back in. And I know that there are probably still other places where I'm not listening to my heart or not releasing some old belief, idea, decision, or obligation, and that when I do, when I clear a path and tune into what my heart's REALLY in, I'll be led directly to one of those corners and the heartsong dreams that wait for me there.

So I'm waiting, like you, and I'm doing the work, like you. And I don't feel a date anymore, just a process. I know, that sucks. Dates are simple, comfortable. You just wait for them to get here. But this time's different, I feel. And I think I know how it works now.

Listen to your heart. Listen to it like you've never listened to it before. Like you taught yourself not to a long time ago. If your heart's not in something, let it go. Even if you think it's your lifeline. LET IT GO. Drag out those old, old dreams...the ones you gave up so long ago that you can hardly remember them anymore. Take a step toward them. Then watch the new dreams rush in to take the places of the old ones, one stubborn, ancient, rock-hard outdated belief system at a time.

Wishing you Love in the Highest Octave,

Satina, future N.D.