Help: I am creating a negative life

My therapist told me yesterday that God always gives us what we want unless it will hurt us or others. Now I know why my life has been a worthless, smelly thing and always will be until I die, an event I wish was here right now. It is my thinking. What I think, I receive. Apparently God is within creating through my thoughts, and my thoughts have always been negative and will always be negative, therefore all I will create is a failed life lived by a loser man. It does look hopeless. I am trying so hard to get better, but I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't.

I got out of an abusive relationship. I suspect the strength to do that came from God or my belief in God, the traditional, down-the-street Christianity. In this case, I was recipient of verbal and emotional abuse. I already had low self esteem when I married her, and during our 30 years together, I allowed her to strip away all of the esteem I had left. I do not think she did it intentionally. I do not blame her. She is right about me after all. She called me a loser so often, I know it is true. And now I discover that my thoughts have created that reality for me and it will persist until I die, again, which I hope is very, very soon.

I have been on my own for a month and a half, and have accomplished nothing. So what is new. I had a dream. I was going to discover who I am outside of the abuse. I was going to explore different jobs for different experiences and discover something I enjoy that I never thought of before. I was going to recreate me. I can't do it. I just sit in my stupid apartment all day crying and wishing I was back in the safety of that toxic relationship I had. At least I had something then, and I can put up with abuse for a few more years until I die.

Larry