Do You Have Panic Attacks? Sharing one of mine...

A Peek Inside My Morning (Or is it “Mourning?”)

Ok, I am freaking out again. It is Monday, early morning and as soon as Joe left I started to feel it. My heart started dancing and my chest started freezing. I am so sick of this phantom death thing. I am so sick of being scared. I am so sick of feeling so sick of so many things. I am just plain sick and tired of it all. I am just plain sick and tired of me.

So, what do you want to do about it?

What CAN I do about it?

Whatever you want you can do. Whatever you want you can be. Whatever you want you can have.

You always make it sound so easy and to be honest, you are starting to irritate me with your, “You have all your answers” crap.

There, you have begun to “come back.” You do not always have to feel love, peace and harmony to pull you back from the place of running; the place of fear. Go ahead and use sarcasm, anger, frustration. The point is to feel. You think you are running from nothing, but what is scaring you is feeling.

Like duh. I said it all started when my heart started racing and I couldn’t breathe.

That is not “feeling” but instead “experiencing.” There is a huge difference. You can experience a myriad of bodily sensations, and still not allow yourself to feel. For this reason your body now and then “raises its hand” and says “Pay attention!" There are things on your mind that you are, out of habit, squashing into silence. It is like second nature, a reflex for you, so much so that you are no longer aware at how quickly you do it.

Still you are boring me.

See? You just did it again. You are not bored, but instead afraid to look around for what it is you are not wanting to feel.

Ok, there is the tight chest again. No air. Maybe you are right. (took a deeper breath) So, I will ask myself what it is I am trying not to feel, like I have a trillion times before, and like those trillion times before all I can come up with is “fear.” I mean isn’t that obvious?

Yes it is. And usually the real answers are never in the obvious. So dig deeper.

Ok, fear…I am trying not to feel the fear. (tears begin to well up) Sad-I feel sad. (eyes are getting wetter and I am feeling a teeny bit of peace. My chest is also more relaxed and my lungs are working again) Why am I so afraid to cry? And why do I instantly feel better once my eyes become moist?

Tears are not the enemy, but instead the ally. You grew up with the lesson that they were bad. Tears got you another spanking. Tears got you sent to your room. Crying was “for crybabies.” It’s no wonder you do your best to shove them aside.

The truth is, tears are your friend. Tears can be your BEST friend. Without the arms to do so, they hug you when you need it. Without the ears to hear, they listen to your every thought. Without having a definite reason to flow, they will do so, because they are aware of their ability to carry away and cleanse.

Though I haven’t really even had one tear roll down my face right now, just feeling them nearby has been such relief. Like morning dew, (or would that be mourning dew...) they sat on my eyes, and that was enough for now. This tells me that I really do need to remember the power of releasing them if even just acknowledging they are there brings such relief. I didn’t really get to the crying place because I was so into this conversation. Maybe when I am done I can sit and invite them to “do their stuff."

I already feel much better. Tears. Tears are my friends. They are as precious as gold and they are free. I am overflowing with tears. I have more than I will ever need in this lifetime. I am rich. I am Oprah when it comes to tears. And like she was finally able to not be ashamed of her wealth, but instead use if for her own good and the good of others, I, too, will learn to be proud. I, too, will learn the value of my “dollar” and spend every last penny doing good; for me, and for others. Because when I am “broke” those closest to me starve too. Thank you for being there again.

Our pleasure. Always, always, our Pleasure.

~November 5, 2007