when you live with death, you must remember to live

sometimes it can be so overwhelming.....
then i remember my beautiful old indian woman, who sits with me now, and comforts me with her shadow of love.
I have learned things from her that no human has taught me.....
from an invisible spirit. now hoe crazy is that........
except that i have also been taught to believe nothing, learn everything. So i check her words on the net.......
My precious Lord Love how the words of my great mother are always wise and correct, and lovingly spent...
how can anyone find fault in love?
i write now because i am cold and alone, but talki9ng to you all gives me heat and energy.
so many stories my great mother told me i am trying to focus on but one.....to not be afraid as i sit here..to take out of my mind the absence and the frief of my son.........to know all things happen for a reason.......the power of the mind......mine just wont shut up and sometimes it hurts me for its uncontrollabuility........to focus. Thoughts swiril and voices scream, my heart breaks from the weeping of people i dont even know.i must focus on a story to releave my mind........
i taught my son outta body because i thought it was normal......i see part what is bothering me
it must be soon to the 9th of feb.
when my sister died.
being raised in an orphanage i never really knew my elest brother and only sister. They were raised on a cow breeding farm in another town, and i was raised in an upper middle class home with one of the most powerful, and influincial men in the community, and state, of California. My sister got up and milked a cow every morning before school, I got up, made a proper bed you could bounce a quarter off of, was delivered to the best private school in the county.
one time in my life did i live with my sister. That was when i was 3 and lived with a family called the taylors. They were such evil people. I have such strange remeberances of that time that still i dont understand what they all ment.............
i remeber that the hess's, where i had been staying, fell in love with my brother darell so much that it made my mother furious..................my natural mother......................
she was right insain she was, my mother...back in the day............where they treated the criminally insain ...........................well..................i don't know if i can really speak of all of this.................
ok. truth. Do you want the truth of who I am. birth knowledge and so on............my mother had 2 children before me and my brother. My mother was of irish english german decent. She married an indian of bad blood was my father. I met him at 36 and tho he looked like humphrey bogart on a good day, and had the gift of visions and foresight.....premonitions and telepathy, he was evil in his heart. I know this because i beat him down whe he tried to take me to bed. I serached my whole life for my father and what i found was a sick twisted mind dying of cancer that could no longer tell the difference...between right or wrong. Love rest his soul anyway........tho he bruised my body..................he tried to rape me...............he said....i looked loke my mother....he also said....i was wrong. that i was sick. that my sister never had a trouble ever loving him or my brothers...............
achem! excuse me.
parts of me feel......like i let down my biological family for not being like them or nderstanding their...ways
i guess i live in a different world.
well...........my sister. When i finially met her again. She had five men break into my house and 4 of them raped me while my children were in the oither room. and i could not scream.
or my kids would be hurt. I ended up in the hospital.. and still......have fears.................
when i asked her why..................she said........i always thought i was bewtter.i wouldn't drink, i never ran away,,,, i always went to school./i acted like i thought i was better than any one elce of us kids..................
i wepted at her feet. I told her sis, that was never it at all. I watched you and my brothers, and evrything you did.....and how you suffered and cried.................i tried to not be like you.................so i wouldn't be like you.........
so here i sit. the white sheep of the family. my oldest is still alive........................i know no other survivors of this life besides my son and hismine.
my sister drove off a cliff and froze her face with fright that weill forever scream my brain. She had a rose tatooed on her wrist to cover her rack marks. She bore one daughter adopted out that i found once but they made sure i couldn't again because they believe the whole of my family was jinxed. I buried my sister on valebtines day and gave everyone who came a red rose.................that was 1989.
i have never been to a funeralk since.
Not even my own mothers or sons. or brother.....................
my sister claimed she was a born witch
she also said.she chose her own death...............
me. i was never ment to be. My father kidnapped my mother out of nappa, in 1960, a mental institution. She went mad and put my brother dareell, my twin dominant, the brother i went to hell for and flew back because of love,
for 19 days.....did she leave my brother in the closet. He was dead when they found him. Sivere mal-nutrion, rickets of the bone........and they let her out to go to church with my dad. After 3 days my dada said she was mad and called my irish grandmother to take her back.
she was pregnant with me for 7 months before the head nurse had my grandmother remove her from napa for fear of my mother's life. She told my grandmother that they kept her on thorazine, ice water dunks, millaril and.shock treatments. & months i tell ya they savaged my mothers body at napa in the name of science and mental health
and never once noticed....she was pregnant with me..........
my grandmother saved me......us........and i was born in Redding, california, 7am, on the 7th day, of the 7th floor in the yeasr of our Lord 1961.....6+1=7
i do suffer the insainity of all my family. i feel, live, breath all of their torment and sarrow
but unfortunatley i believe at times
i remain the white sheep
i see and und feel and comprehend their insainity....but much like themedicine woman. If my mother had been taken to the hills and fed a good diet and herbs
she would have never have gone mad

and my father
i shadow you in shame and turn my back on you
you turned from the visions odf truth
and now in death
you will have only shadows to guide you
i send you my lovbe father
fare well and go in peace
i send you nam,aste' mt beloved siste
you never had a chance once to know unconditional love in your lifetime

my you have my life of it now iny your death of this life
may roes ever bloom for you sis
i was never your enemy
or your better
i was only your baby sister............
i forgive you everything and love ou with a pure heart............be free sis..finially.just be free.........