7) What Do Women Want?: Conclusion Sir Gawain & the Hag Ragnell: 4 Universal Principles

The story of "Sir Gawain and the Hag Ragnell" illustrates four universal principles necessary in any healthy relationship or any kind of social transaction with others. Angeles Arrien offers her views on these four principles and Mark A. Schroll (who began working with this story in 1992) weaves in additional insights as well as editorial clarity to Arrien's original presentation.

These are 1) "Honoring and respecting others for who they are." We need to ask ourselves: How much honor and respect do we extend to others with whole we are in relationship? The word respect comes from the Greek word "respectare," which means "to look again." How much respect do we extend to ourselves? To have the respect to look again and reevaluate our character formation and the person that we have become. We also need to be able to look at other parts of our relationships, to see what these relationships mean to us in their totality, in their wholeness. The opposite of respect is fixation or being stuck. If I do not respect the relationship we will often try and convince our self of the correctness in our attitudes and our behavior by rationalizing the situation, by telling our self the following: "Well, that is the way George is, that is the way George has always been, and that is the way George will always be." In doing this and saying this we have just taken our image of George and put him in a category, without seeing the multiple facets of who George really is or could be if other parts of his character were allowed to be actualized in his behavior. Men do the very same thing to women.

2) "In any relationship how safe do we make it for people?" Male or female who does not want to be protected and provided for and to have a sense of home, a sense of safety, a sense of family, community and belonging; someone that is going to be there for us. How are we able to create a nurturing environment for our selves and others to be in? How are we able to create a sense of family or extended family? How reliable are we to both our own self and to others? Can people rely on us?

3) The third element of any good relationship is that "everyone, female or male, wants to be loved and desired and spoken sweet nothings to." Here we are talking about embracing the other person in our relationship with the arms of love: Gratitude, acknowledgment, validation, recognition and acceptance. These are the arms of love with which we embrace others. We have to ask our self: How willing are we to extend gratitude, acknowledgment, validation recognition and acceptance?

"Who among us does not want or like to have their own way?" Every human being wants to have their own way. It is not just a feminine whim. The power to choose. The power of choice. None of us want our choice robbed or taken from us. Nevertheless, we often do this on a daily basis. We do this whenever we give unsolicited advice--when we tell other people how they should live and how they should behave. In referring to "unsolicited advice" this should not be confused with asking someone to reflect on their own behavior or value orientation so that they can come to an understanding our their attitudes. But when we demand others act in a certain way, demand that others adopt certain attitudes, instead of asking them to communicate more openly with us so that we can better understand our differences. Whenever we approach a situation where we think we know better, without taking the other persons point of view into consideration, this is an act of arrogance.

The power to choose is the ability we have to get in touch with our "inner knowing." To have the basic right to choose, to decide, to proceed in our actions from this inner source of knowing. And choice has three functions cross-culturally: A) "It is through choice that we can create a whole new reality." By making a decision we can create a whole new reality. B) "It is through choice that if I like this reality, that I can maintain this reality." C) And, "it is through choice that if I do not like this reality, that I can leave it, change it or transform it."

4) The end of the story of "The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Hag Ragnell" is also very important toward our "understanding of relationships and personal growth." Remember that the witch said to Sir Gawain, "Now you get to choose." Giving the power of choice to Gawain. In other words, the witch did not rob him of his choice. She gave Sir Gawain the power of choice to decide which part of the day he wanted her to be beautiful and which part he wanted her to be ugly. Pondering this choice, Gawain finally came to the recognition that this decision was going to affect her life much more than his. Consequently he gave the power of choice back to her. The conclusion of this story gives us an example of a relationship where neither the female nor the male was robbed of their power of choice. Because choice, we must remember, is a basic human need and a basic human right not only in relationships but also in our development toward creating a healthy personality and becoming a healthy person.

References
Angeles Arrien. (1991). "Power and Love in Relationships." Boulder, Colorado: Sounds True Recordings. CD recording available.

See also
Angeles Arrien. (1992). "Signs of Life: The Five Universal Shapes and How to Use Them." Sonoma, California: Arcus Publishing Company.

Ralph Metzner. (1986). "The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Lady Ragnell." From "Opening to Inner Light." Green Earth Foundation. http://www.greenearthfound.org