Between shooting stars and loneliness...

I have a feeling of emptiness today... it is a weird feeling, because it is a hopeful kind of emptiness...

I feel all the changes coming upon my human mortal life... the effect of global issues on my life...

I decided to put pause on my project of renting a place to do my lightwork. Living in Mexico is hard whenever there is a recession, and the global market seems to be crashing, bringing down with it the system -which is something I knew for many months was coming, and I know change is needed.

I have a job interview on saturday morning, in another state. So, I might have to move after all. I was very resistent of this before, but I have come to realize I don't need to. I have alowed myself to go with the flow, and see what happens. It is not certain yet... I don't know if the pay is worth it, or on the other hand, if they will have me.

So I am a bit sad about that, because I'd have to move soon... before 2 weeks I will have to be there.

That is one aspect of my feelings right now...

On the other hand, there is a dream I had. I had a lousy night, couldn't get rest and kept waking up constantly. And I dreamt of an ex boyfriend. This was triggered by him sharing with me a dream he had about us. I haven't seen him in 7 years, so this dream was quite strange to read...

I feel very lonely at this time. Lonely doesn't necessarily mean bad... but I've been reviewing my past relationships, remembering many things about the people I've loved.

In the case of this dream, I realized oh so many years later what a great boyfriend he was to me. He has bloomed into a beautiful being, and I am kind of sad that at the time I didn't really understand what a great man he was and could be. So, having him writing to me kind of makes me wonder why I was so stupid. Of course, he has a beautiful girlfriend now, and I hope she really cherishes him, because he is such a good guy.

Then it took me to my most recent relationship. Funny as it might seem, these two guys look physically a lot like each other. So one takes me to the other... I really loved (still do, trying to fall out of love as I type) this indigo fiery child... sadly, his fire consumed me. He is very talented, brilliant, creative... but he tends to look down on people. I thought he was "the one", there were many signs that made me think so... but I was wrong.

The reason for the break up was that he doesn't want to get married, and he doesn't want to have children until after 2012. I am 28, and I don't want to wait much longer to have my first child. And I have always dreamt of getting married, the fluffy dress and all... so I had to let him go, for you cannot ask a man without clothes to give you his shirt...

I guess that what was harder for me, is that he never ever tried to stop me, or find a way around things. I guess that means he is already married, but to his ideology. It is fine by me, but I cannot be a mistress to that.

So I am sad, facing the what ifs... and it makes me laugh too, because what if doesn't exist...

And I come here... I find all these wonderful people... all believing in in love and soulmates... and it makes me smile... I am a bit afraid to hope that I might be as lucky... and I know I shouldn't feel empty... I know I am complete within myself... but I long for someone to share all the best in my path towards growing and learning... someone that would truly love me and accept me as I am... not wanting to change one bit of me... sounds utopic, right?

So, I don't know what will become of me. I don't know when and if I will move. I don't know how it will be if it comes through... I don't know if I will end up an old lady with a bunch of cats... I don't know...

I don't know either what will happen... if the ships are coming, if we're going to bring the shift soon, I have no clue.

I just hope for the best, and I will allow life to take me where I am supposed to go to.

Thank you for letting me get this out of my chest.

Love to you all,
Aida.

Ou est tu, mon étoile filante?