I Confess My Sin Before You..

Sin. That big relegeous word that entraps and effects so many lives of every race and religeon. S-eeing I-n N-egitivity. What is sin to me? Being less then I know I am capable of being. And for me, that is doing anything or thinking anything, that is not loving. All my talk of being forgiving...but a few days back I discovered the truth hidden in my heart. A few days back I received a message that Jon's x decided she was ready to try now and come home. My immediate reaction was no. She was a major contributing factor to me loosing my last 3 homes and having an eviction on my record. She was solely responsible for loosing the kids. I felt overwhelmed with fear and panic...and anger. I felt defencive because we are struggling so hard ...She has up to this point done nothing but rub her drug usage and refusal to cooperate in jon's face. I said..no way. She won't come here..with her dog and put jon through the mental and emotional trauma just to run off with the next guy that has a bag. That same day she professed reform she refused to go to an NA meeting. The next night she was next door here compromising her integrity for drugs. Then they got cut off phone calls because it was upsetting little jonnie too much. Yesterday when we went to visit the case worker was there. He really came down hard on Amanda. She already had a strike against her for walking out on her drug program. She also missed a few visits. They gave her time to get treatment of another source...he really came down hard on her. She stormed out of the meeting twice angry which gave her another strike. I guess she refused a drug test too which is the same as a dirty test..another strike. Then little Jonnie fell apart when it was time to leave. He threw himself down on the floor and fought and it took two case workers to take him out to the car.............I can't even write this without bawling my eyes out. My son could do nothing but cry with his heart wrenching as he watched them take his son and daughter. My little Aimee, my 3 year old daughter whom I met 3 years BEFORE she was born...she was born with a very wise old soul and understanding of life beyond an average adults. She held the gate open as they took her buba out, comforting him and looked back to reasure Dad that bubby would be alright and she would be good.
Then they ordered that both parents go in for drug testing and that any further visits at all have to be re-evaluated. That is so not fair. Jon has done everything to the letter and more then what they asked and those kids are just scared asnd confused....Amanda did make it here last night to go to testing but when it came time to go she paniced. When my son got back I gave him a good morning hug and said I love you, and in the corner i could see Amanda, shaking, defencive, scared, paniced and feeling like there was no hope for her. I went over and held her in a hug and whispered good morning hun. You know I love you too. I held her face in my habds and looked at the tears streaming down her face. She said 'I already feel like its hopeless and when everyone jumps on me i just want to run ...' I felt so ashamed for feeling afraid and selfish about wanting to help her as much as I know I can. In feeling that way I sin against myself, and her, and my grandchildren. I remembered...there is no fear in love. That why I know I was wrong, because I was afraid....I wiped her tears and kissed her cheek and said 'one day at a time...I will help you................i must go..i'll write more later
p.s. my son found another way to take her and she made it to testing. Otherwise they would have denied her any more visits too.....