don't read this

i just need to journal and this is the easiest access place to do it. i'm at the library in ashland.....and i've only got 13 minutes left til I have to re-sign in as a guest! so how can i increase my white blood cell strength the most......
i'm living at a homeless shelter with a few people, mainly some dude named Angel whose an x-crystal meth abuser (and a wise motherfucker too) and carmen who'se posessed by a demon, and a military ranger who sells magic mushrooms all day. all good people. i have no job......i need one but i lost my liscense the other day. my buddy Usef lost it actually. He also lost my 45 dollar aquamarine crystal too....well he actually gave that AWAY because he seemed to think everything is for giving away. he also gave away my amethyst and sterling silver bracelet which reallllllly made me upset but whatever. i won't be seeing him for a while coz he got kicked out of his house for anger problems. poor guy. i ate all his medecine. he didn't need it any way.....i actually need the same medecine, or would benefit from it. dexedrine. shit gets me going and i feel so redundant and unmotivated lately. i wonder how dark my solar plexus is. i wonder if i'm posessed by a vampire or how the hell i can release my emotional attachments to X person? I'm still lost as FUCK even though I'm not supposed to be lost. i just think i'm lost. how much longer can this bullshit go? i met a beauuuuuuuutiiiful girl the other day, on 1-11 of 2008(1) and I can really feel something special with her so i'm looking forward to a new year with new cycles beginning. I just feel so empty sometimes. Why can't I rekindle my inner fire? Why do I instigate all these problems that I really don't even have? I'm manipulating myself and it hurts. I wake up all the time right when i'm going to sleep with a vampire attacking me. I've been trying to tell it to go away but it won't listen yet.....i have no willpower so i understand why. But what is the source of the vampire? Is it me in another realm? It takes my pentagram and turns it upside down into an upside down one which is about revenge instead of forgiveness. I feel like a DEEP spell is cast upon me that has a lot of significance/reality in everyone elses life. I'm barely grounded to my heart, little do i ever feel my solar plexus, sacrum or base. I've been lonely. I AM lonely. I somehow have to realign and it seems to hard without money or food or the right places to be..............................