Walk-in

I was asked to write about my walk-in experience.

I am hoping that with sharing my walk-in experience, I might help others see that what they are going through is quite normal .

I hope that this will offer some comfort to my dear brothers and sisters.

    I am a star-seed and a Walk-in. That is what this story is about, about my awakening to my identity, and the "bigger picture" of reality.

As many of you have read in my previous entries, I have had a pretty exciting life! ( I still have about another 8 or 9 entries to create). Every single event that I went through brought me closer to this awakening, this realization. I was attracting relationships and events into my life that involved fear. Abusive relationships, physically, emotionally and sexually. I would not take back my power. I ALLOWED many people to step all over me and use me and abuse me for their own needs and desires.

My lesson was even brought straight into my career, which I loved so much. I worked as an Engine Specialist at a very big Rotary Race shop. My job was to tear down the motors and clean them, rebuild them, and also build new motors, and to ship them to customers. It was my life, my everything. I spent time racing my car, (rx7) after completely rebuilding my car myself. I was a car NUT! I was so wrapped up in the joy of working with motors, that (even though I was very annoyed) I put up with my boss grabbing my body and sexually harassing me.

This all came to a screeching halt one day, when my boss came to me with a piece of paper. It basically said that He wanted to sign over part of the business to me. If i didn't sign it, he would fire me. This was to cover his butt, so that I couldn't sue him for sexual harassment. He knew I loved my job, and I feel that he believed I would sign it immediately due to my dedication to my position. So that was that. I left, very upset. My world came crashing down around me because I refused to look into myself, into the lessons. I was to later realize this.

Over time, after repeated illness and injuries, I had enough. I screamed at everyone to leave me alone. I screamed at myself for allowing this to happen. I was giving my power away, and now i was extremely weak and scared.

My next few relationships were horrible. They always began so sweet and loving. And suddenly, as if the lessons came through a flood gate, it would all turn into a nightmare. I married a man, a sweet, gentle, loving, silly, caring man. I thought for sure that he was the one! I realized later that this feeling was there so that I would have the opportunity for these lessons. We settled down at my house in Oregon, after moving from a horrible year in LA. I was pregnant with my second child. My first child had died at the age of 5 months.

Suddenly (here are those flood gates!) our relationship changed. Every day I was crying for one reason or another. I loved him so much and wanted him to be happy.. but something happened there that I did not expect. No matter what I did for him, no matter how understanding I was, how gentle I was, I was still his Enemy. He made it very clear to me that I was not loving, that I was stupid, that I didn't understand anything, and that i tried to control him. I knew that I was not doing this, and even my close friends around me were shocked by his accusations. I snapped. I couldn't take it anymore. One day while driving home with him, I Lovingly and desperatly explained to him my concern for our relationship.

I offered the idea of us getting Marriage therapy or getting help some how. He then started explaining to me that I'm stupid for wanting to get marriage help (therapy), and proceeded to call me very hurtful names. I lost control of my emotions.

I pulled over to the side of the road, next to a park, and just had to let it out. I ran as far away from him as possible, screaming out my pain. This situation was similar to the time when my foster father had died and I was holding too much in. Here was my inner monster breaking free (a second time) from the chained cage that I had put him in.

I felt a sorrow deep inside. My strength buckled. As if I had been through too many wars and life just wasn't worth fighting for anymore. It was like .. after one war, another would come , then another, and another, until I just didn't see the end of it. I was fighting in a pitch black field and I hadn't seen the sun rise .. ever. I lost my strength again, Except this time, i went somewhere else. I needed healing, and later, that's exactly what I did. I left Earth To heal.

A couple of days later I started having extremely sharp pains in my chest and tummy area. It was so powerful that I could not breathe without feeling as if an acid blade was being twisted into my insides. The ambulance came and brought me to the hospital.

I spent a total of about two weeks there, with the doctors poking and pressing on my body to try to figure out what this was. After the first few days, and a few ultrasounds of my liver and chest area, they came to the conclusion that I had a gallbladder packed with stones, with two extremely large stones blocking passage.

I also had a slight infection in my liver, due to the blockage.

They told me this was extremely dangerous and that it was good that I came when I did, as any more poisoning of my body would have killed me. At the time, I was not dedicated to a spiritual path. Though I had an understanding of certain things, I was no where near where I am at now. I also didn't know that we store anger in our bodies , in our liver, in the form of stones, if we don't release the anger.

During the first half of my stay at the hospital, I couldn't help noticing that I felt like a robot. My emotions had been shut off. All i could feel was a lingering sorrow that was far away from my heart.

An image came into my mind several times. The image was muted. I saw a very big field covered in snow. At the farthest end of this feild was an angel. He or she was kneeling in the snow, with limp wings. The angel, though flesh colored.. Looked like stone. But somehow I could see it's shallow breaths. It was torn apart physically and emotionally. It looked like it was trapped, and wanted out of this cold , silent, painful freezing, but was too weak to move.

With the first surgery, they attempted to push the stones through, by sticking a device down my throat and into my gallbladder. This did not work. in fact it failed miserably, and they had to stop suddenly and set up a second surgery. I woke up after the surgery tired and very hungry (I was not allowed to eat, and the last time I ate was about a week and a half prior to this surgery)

About 4 days later they performed the second surgery. By now I had such a terrible pain inside that they put me on Morphine, and lots of antibiotics. I cried for 4 days wishing I could just die. To go home away from the pain and join my real brothers and sister from the stars.. I remembered the soft pastel colors from my life in the stars. We would come together and share our love. We were Just shining lights of beautiful color, each having our own unique display of color and vibrations. We'd sing with our vibrations, songs for each other, songs of celebration, we celebrated the sun, our creator God, our life, our love... and beauty. It was all I wanted. To go back to that. To just BE and LOVE. To be free from this body. This heavy.. pressing.. Suffocating body. To get away from the angry screaming faces, the war and fighting. The endless pain.

They gave me the sleeping medicine and performed the second surgery. This time, they were cutting one to two inch openings on my body in 4 different places. One in the center of my chest, two on my right side, and one below my belly button. They cut out my gallbladder entirely, which was filled with stones.

My old self had walked out during the surgery. During the procedure, I heard and saw much of what was going on. (not at the hospital) There was a very very large group of beings surrounding me. They placed an energetic net around me and the Walk-In, as a sort of support to stabilize the transition.

Some were silently watching, some were singing softly, others were busily doing something in the background, sometimes coming near to watch closely before returning to what they were doing.

I woke up in the recovery room, about 5 and a half hours later. When I opened my eyes, my entire body felt so incredibly heavy. It was as if I had two tons of sand bags over my entire body. I had difficulty maneuvering almost as if I was drunk. My arms would swing and wobble like jello. I was a mess. I was overwhelmed with nausea, and every sound was extremely painful to my ears and head.

Every second I felt like I was being pulled towards the floor. The part that bothered me the most, was the fact that it felt as if I had broken my neck. The pain was so bad.. that I could easily admit it felt worse than breaking my tail-bone during the birth of my first child. It felt worse than both births combined. It felt worse than the 2nd degree tear from my second daughter coming out of me. The pain in my neck made me scream loudly when I woke up.

The nurse came into my room and told me that everything was ok, and that they had complications at first but the operation was a success. She said she wasn't supposed to tell but she felt That I should know, that my heart had stopped temporarily during the surgery. But that I have a strong will to survive!! She was very kind to me.

I told her about my neck and she came back about an hour later with the doctors to talk about my neck. The main doctor said that he didn't see anything wrong with my neck, and that if I wanted, he could give me some morphine to ease the pain. The first dose didn't do anything so they gave me a second, higher dose. This Didn't help all that much . After upping the dose about 4 or 5 times, they said that they had to stop at that level. As this was enough morphine for a 400 pound man.

They tried other pain shots but they did not work either. The pain was still there and no matter what I did, or how i moved, It wouldn't go away.

I felt this intense pain for about a month after the surgery. It faded to a dull pain two months later and now, every once in a whie, I can feel the pain pulsing there in my neck. Especially if I am away from the city and in the mountains.

On the drive home from the hospital, I noticed something was different. I was incredibly calm...I am not meaning the calm you feel when you relax after a hard days work. I'm speaking about a soul level calm. Where everything inside you changes.. Things that once irritated me, even angered me.. didn't bother me as much, sometimes not at all. In fact, I felt love. Even love for those that hurt me.

Appreciation for the grand picture of this beautiful game.. this beautiful act. I didn't feel like me anymore. There was a sense of purpose, a sense that something big had just happened.

I had finally arrived. I looked in the mirror when I got home. It wasn't me. It was someone else looking back at me. But this someone else was so incredibly strong, and loving.

After this surgery, my views changed. My emotions changed, my thoughts changed. I can't even begin to describe how different I was. I sold my Rx7 and race things. I completely lost interest in them. I no longer wanted to do modeling, in fact, I'd rather hide my body. Not out of shame, but respect.

I got a divorce and split up from my family and child. (this also was part of my new contracts) From then on, my daily life had some form of spiritual flavor to it. Meditation, Yoga/Kundalini, Channeling, Healing, Crystals..ascension.. I began to find out about my Star Identity. Who I was, where I was from, and why I was here.

I was completely anti society, wanting to break down the corrupt systems of greed and guilt with unconditional love.. I now have an intense love for Earth People. For ALL.

I wish to see them grow and laugh.. and sing. Like life really should be. Happy.. peaceful and filled with joy!!

I had many lessons in my past . These lessons were blessings in disguise. Many of these lessons revolved around the importance of loving and accepting myself. Other lessons I learned involved loving people regardless of their actions. Loving them for just BEING THEM.

There are often times contracts set up between you and the people you know; Everyone that comes into your life. I had the chance to complete these contracts, to learn these lessons, because these beautiful beings loved me so much that they played this dark role for me, so that I may grow and learn. They suffered as well, so that I could learn! So that we could learn. How could I not feel compassions for these people? In fact, they were not dark.. They were light.. loving healing Light!! Urging me to grow and heal.

I can tell you, now, that I would gladly go through my pain, and lessons all over again. It has given me strength and understanding of myself and the world. That is a beautiful gift indeed... But I don't have to go through such harsh times anymore. Because I don't need the huge lessons anymore. I have learned. And through the battle scars, and broken wings, my light shines brightly, revealing love, instead of fear. My tears are no longer tears of sadness and pain. They are tears of Joy, of unconditional love, and understanding. Behind these tears is an awareness of the complexity of the events taking place on Mother Earth and all over the universe. The changes happening within each of our beautiful shining hearts. It is Divine, It is deep, It is Love.. Love is all there is..