My childhood Story-Emotional Clearing~Part 1

Emotional Clearing

This is very long, please hang in there! Just some emotional clearing I'm doing here, have to get it out onto "paper".
I will warn you however, parts of this entry are very detailed, and some people may not like it.

Here is a story about the first 18 years of my life. This is only the beginning, and I plan on writing the other parts soon, when I have time.

I had a very busy life as a child. There was always something big going on. I was an accidental baby , and after I was born my father left my mom and me and my two sisters, claiming that I was not his child. (even though the blood tests said i was his 99.98%. My mother loved me and I was a very happy hyper child (more than normal) and I would hug everyone I met. I just wanted to see people smile! It made me happy to know that other people were happy. I believed that no one should be sad.

When I reached the age of 5, the government took me and my two sisters from my mother. I learned at a young age not to trust people. One of the social workers that came over was so nice to me,(and I had no reason to not trust her , really.) She came over often and talked to me about all sorts of stuff.

Some of these topics included: What did you do today? What sort of things did you dream of lately? (i used to have very vivid dreams that often times came true) What do you think about world peace? Are you afraid of the dark? What would you change if you could change anything in your life? Do you talk to "imaginary" people?

Many of these questions i answered casually and honestly without holding back. I even told her some things that I could see inside her, while looking into her eyes. People always reacted with fear, and over time I learned to not share these things.

Throughout my life, my "gifts" of intuition and the inner sight was more of a curse to me. Not only did people see me as a freak, they saw me as "broken" and in need of fixing. Years of medication and ridicule caused me to shut down these skills.

They didn't understand it, so the only thing they could think of doing to something that they feared, was to destroy it or silence it.

After this visit, she never came to visit me again (except for in the court room, which I saw so many times in my life that I hate them now) But she wasn't there to see me, she was there to put me into foster care. Now I saw this because even though she acted so nice and kind to me on the outside, while in front of the judge I could see her hatred towards me. I was too sensitive to peoples emotions, and I wasn't used to feeling this kind of emotion. I loved her and everyone equally. This hatred was new to me.

After the many court visits (which I didn't understand what was going on at the time, I just sort of floated around wherever they pushed me, with a blank mind, spacing out) they placed me into several temporary foster families (one of which I was molested in.) After a while, I was placed in a more permanent foster family. By now I had lost my openness with people . I didn't want to talk to people about my feelings and thoughts, no matter how excited or scared I was. The court and my foster family blocked me from seeing my mom and two sisters . My birth dad was a drunk, so I couldn't live with him. (besides, that wouldn't make the court money, so that wasn't an option)

So after a while of this, I became very lonely and confused. I didn't talk with friends, in fact I avoided most people. The only beings I talked to were animals. They were all that i trusted. I spent my time reading science and ancient history books, as well as metaphysical books, drawing pictures and playing the piano, and riding horses. (this family had a lot of money) It helped to pass the time and to keep my mind off the pain inside.

I came to the conclusion that I must be doing something wrong because these people did not want me around. I could see in their eyes that I was such a chore, such a burden and inconvenience. Though they tried to hide it, I could feel it from them and see it in their eyes. There was a coldness in their hearts and eyes, Like I was a cancer in their lives that just had to be "put up with" until the end. I knew this was true, I can't explain how I knew, I guess I just felt it from them..

I wanted to change this. I thought, what can I do to make myself more acceptable? What do I need to fix? What do these people like to see in a child? Now i was only 5 at the time so I didn't totally understand certain things, but I was determined to fix myself .

I did all of my chores on time, never even missed one. I obeyed my foster parents unwaveringly, helped out with yardwork when no one else would. I did all that I could do, that I thought would make them happy. The woman still did not like me, but over time, her husband started to open up to me and show small signs of affection. For a short period (about 3 years) I was feeling a little better (but not by much, I was still not welcome there)

What was so wrong with me? Why was I so horrible? Every time I came near them their hearts would be filled with a blackness that I could see and feel. It was horrible. The only way for me to cope with this was to avoid getting too close, and to accept that things weren't going to change between us.

When I was 7 years old they jumped my grade to 5th grade. I was getting bored in school and not really learning anything. So they thought this was the best thing to do. I worked so hard, not because I wanted good grades, but because I wanted my "parents" to be happy with me. I ignored the kids in school and stayed to myself. I had one friend who played music with me and I was thankful for this. (i met her in an art class)

Now I'd like to really explain how my "family" and I interacted with eachother. I had 5 sisters. 4 of them were other foster children, and one of them was their birth child. She was a teenager at the time, and I looked up to her secretly, without really telling her this.

My sister were very accepted by the the family. Infact, they got hugs and affection from the parents. I never recieved a hug from my foster mother.

It was as if I was a freak, someone to be avoided. This hurt me so much. My sisters and I weren't close, they mostly just tip-toed around me and tried to avoid me.

I would have to say honestly that people fear what they don't understand.. and they didn't understand me because of my "Gifts" . At that point I wanted the gifts to go away. But even if they did go away, it wouldn't change anything.

This is where my world took another turn.(boy was I dizzy now.. sigh)

One weekend, we went to visit the foster parents family. They owned a boat house, out on the lake and were water ski fans. Usually during these family get-togethers I would stay in my room and draw , just to stay out of the way. But I couldn't do this as I was not allowed to stay home alone . They wanted me to ski with them. I was somewhat nervous of doing something wrong, but they pressured me to do it by telling me to not be a baby and to be normal like everyone else.

So I tried it out. Turns out I was actually pretty good at it and my "aunt and uncle" were extremely impressed. My foster sister was very upset and my foster mom looked at me with harsh eyes and snarled: "Do you ALWAYS have to be perfect at everything???!!!"

Her hate towards me just exploded through me. I could feel a sharp heavy suffocating pain in my chest as soon as she did this.

This absolutely crushed me. Not only did I NOT want to be there, but they were making me do things that I really had no interest in, with a family that Didn't like me. And now she's yelling at me?

I started to cry really hard in front of her. I just couldn't hold it in any longer. The tears just came out like a damn. She then scolded me again for crying. "Would you STOP crying!!?? You're such a baby!"

Uncle and aunt were very shocked and I could feel their concern . They looked at my foster mother with confused and hurt eyes. The only thing I could do was just sit and wait it out during the boat ride back to the house. While we were zipping through the water, I looked over the edge and into the water and let the wind dry my face. I looked deep into the water and made a wish that I could be a dolphin, and just swim so free in the ocean. And if someone hurt me, I could just swim far far away.. I felt so trapped in my human life, and animals always seemed so calm and peaceful. I wanted to be like them.

During this "family" trip, I had learned two things: 1. Don't cry infront of people. and 2. Don't succeed in anything, as it will only make people angry.

So I did that. I stopped doing homework, I stopped trying to do well in school, I stopped doing art and writing, I stopped trying to be loved. I played piano but tried not to do this infront of people and would usually only play when they were at work or outside.

And then something terrible came along. I was begining to see strange creatures in my room, and dark shadows and figures just lurking in the corners watching me. Sometimes standing next to my bed staring at me. Often times I noticed that they looked similar to humans, (arms, legs head..) but they looked very much like snake people. I had no problem with snakes but these creatures were NOT friendly at all. The first things I picked up from them was: DESTROY and FEAR ME.

Now, before I continue, i realize that this sounds very crazy. I was only a small child at the time, and people often times say it's just the imagination. I can tell you now, that it was NOT. I have a scar on my back to prove that it was real!

I was absolutely terrified. I could feel their energy and anger. They were saturated with fear and hate.

Of course, I could not tell anyone about these. Especially not the foster mother. If i told my sisters they would only tell on me. This was the pefect bait for me being beaten.

So I shut my eyes tight and sang music to shut them out.

A short while after this first happened, I started to have the very intense dreams again. One of them was particularly scary. I saw my piano teacher driving in a blue van, and a black truck suddenly came out of nowhere and t-boned her van.

In slow motion, I saw her head swing forward and back her head hit the window. I woke up and screamed, because I felt like I was actually there seeing it. (big mistake, screaming!)

So of course my foster mother comes into my room and says "What are you doing up??" I was too scaired to not talk about it so I told her about the dream. I didn't want my teacher to get hurt. So i thought we could tell her to be careful tomorrow before going to work!! She laughed and said I had a very big imagination and turned my light off and left.

The next day I was in school and my teacher brought me a note from the principles office. It said :NO PIANO today, come home after school.

This terrified me. My mind said: It happened. She got hurt...

I packed up my bags and left school early. I walked the whole way to my teachers house. We were friends, and enjoyed playing piano together. So of course, when I knocked on the door, her son said, oh hey.. and left the door open for me to come in. I asked him if his mom was ok, and he said, uhm.. actually, she's in her room resting, she got in an accident yesterday..

I heard her calling to me from her bedroom So I went to visit her. She really likes blue birds, so I had a small blue bird statue for her as a get well present.

She had her head wrapped in something and looked very tired.

Before she said anything, I wanted to ask her about the car that hit her. I asked her, was the car that hit you a big black truck by any chance? Did it hit the right side of your van?

Her eyes got big and she said, well.. yes!! it was! How did you know? I told her of the dream. Well... here we go again.. You see.. her entire family is Catholic. Need I say more?

Sigh..

That ended quickly.

When I reached the age of 10, my foster father came back home with some terrible news. He had just been diagnosed with Brain Cancer. There were many times that he would see blurry flashes of color and become dizzy, and then throw up. He was in such bad shape that he couldn't drive a vehicle. This was upsetting to him because he loved his Motorcycle. (both of them were part of the Harley owners clubs.) I wished so bad that I could heal him, just put my hands on his head and take out the cancer, even if it meant taking the cancer into myself.

After many long months of surgery and bed rest, he did not get better. He got worse. He was so weak that fluids were filling his lungs and he could not sit up or move on his own.

my heart was breaking so hard that I felt like I was dieing along with him. But I couldn't cry infront of anyone.. or show signs of emotion.. This was the most difficult thing I had ever been tested with. It was like there was a tsunami inside me that was roaring to get out. I wouldn't allow it. I couldn't allow it. Every ounce of my strength was used to hold in that tsunami. It was the enemy. My foster mother was already having a difficult time with her husbands condition, and she didn't need me adding to the pain by my crying.

So I ran out into the field with the horses. I ran out as far as I could about 3 or 4 acres out, and just started screaming. This tsunami just came ripping out of me, tearing me up as it came out. I am pretty sure that the neighbors who lived pretty far away (we lived in napa valley, Vineyards) could hear me screaming. I swung my arms and just fought the invisible demon that was inside of me. It was an endless fight, and he was winning.

When I returned, I went straight to my room and went to bed. I had given up on my entire life.

I remember sitting with my foster father one rainy night.. I asked him lovingly.. "Are you scared..?"

He closed his eyes tightly and tried to swallow, and he said very quietly but raspy: "...yes.. very."

I didn't want to say anything to make him feel more sad or scared. But i felt like saying a lot. Like "I love you.. I'm going to miss you.. You were my only real friend...please don't go.."

I held his hand and i lay my head on his arm. Together we lay listening to the rain.

He died a week later.

My life became much darker. I was spending a lot of my time tiptoeing around my foster family, holding in my emotions . They often times commented nastily how I was just a zombie and how rude I was for ignoring everyone. It wasn't that I was ignoring them.. it just hurt to talk, and It felt better to just keep quiet. I was already used to the anger being sent to me and I began to return it (unconsciously) by blocking the reactions that they wanted from me.

I spent hours upon hours, sitting at the piano .. violently playing songs that came out from inside me. Every song was twisted and depressing, pain was being spread out into the entire room as I played. It was the only way I could let it out without anyone complaining. So i played until my fingers hurt. I played until, at one point, my fingers became numb and started to crack and bleed. Tears always flowed down onto my lap while I played like this.

Piano was all I had on my mind. Not school, or the family, or doing my chores. I just wanted to let it out. Often times i would blank out and not realize how long I had been playing. Upon looking at the clock, there were times that i had played through the entire night, sometimes up to 12 hours at a time, without eating or sleeping.

When I reached the age of 13, my foster family and the court decided it was time to place me on medication. I was pumped filled with Lithium, as well as many other drugs that I couldn't even pronounce. I was checked every morning and night, and at school by my teachers "Did you take your meds?" Regular blood samples were taken every morning.

This medication was horrible. The only thing it did was seem to slow things down for me. The pain I felt was even more noticeable. and now I could feel every little dagger that it stabbed my heart with. It was like an amplifier. To make things worse, I couldn't play the piano anymore as the medication made me too weak and sleepy to do anything except sleep and space out. during which my family would yell at me for NOT crying now.. saying that holding it in was bad. They couldn't make up their mind it seemed. But one thing for sure was.. I didn't really care anymore.

During a visit to the court, I used what little strength and faith I had left and though i was terrified, I asked the social workers if they could place me into a different home. They laughed and said that my foster mom is the best that there is and that I should be thankful that I live in a rich home. This shocked me, as I did not want money, or material things. I just wanted a family. or at least just to get away from the foster family.

I had run out of things to think or do.. I went home upset but not totally surprised. Then a thought came into my mind... What if i were to do something terrible enough to get me put in juvie or just somewhere else! It was a great plan, I thought. I just wanted the meds to go away and inside, my body hurt , my mind hurt, my arms hurt from the needles. i wanted to heal..

So I did the most stupidest thing. I stole a bunch of things and then I lay them out all over in my room , making sure that the foster mother would see it. I was sure she would catch me and throw me out or put me in another home. It was a pathetic and desperate hope.

Inside I was terrified of what might happen. What if she lashes out at me? What if she doesn't tell anyone and the situation gets worse? No doubt, she would never forgive me for this one.

I came home from school (which sucked, I went from getting all A's to D's and F's cause i couldn't stay awake during class) and sure enough, there she was standing with her hands on her hips with a very very angry look. There was a very BIG cloud of pulsing red around her. Her eyes were lit with rage and anger. For the first time in my life I was actually wanting this to happen. Lash out at me, yell at me.. anything, just send me away!

Of course, the plan failed miserably. All that happened was very loud screaming from her into my face and she ordered me to get to work doing chores to pay off this debt. "You better have this house absolutely spotless by tomorrow, or else , young lady."

I thought,"... or else, what?? You're going to kill me right?".. Isn't that a blessing in disguise.

My plan had back-fired on me. Not only was I stuck here , but Things were even worse. I was ashamed and embarrassed at what I had done.

So life went on and I was still doing horrible in school. Something was very wrong however, as I noticed that my pain was "gone". I knew it was there, just.. it was almost as if it was hiding inside. I felt numb. It was like a numb pain. Like when your leg falls asleep and you don't feel the needles until you stand on it.

At this time I had thought of suicide, and had many razors and knives already planned in my head. I was going to do it, had made my mind up. I made sure I was very quiet about it as I didn't want this plan to also fail. It was my only option and If interupted, I didn't know what else I would do!

During the family holidays , i had a very hard time . I did the cooking and cleaning for a family that i wasn't even a part of. When the family went into the livingroom to open presents I went into my room and locked my door. I didn't want to be a part of this, as usually it was very painful for me. I knew these gifts meant nothing and it was the same every year.

They were used to this, the past couple years I had started avoiding family gatherings. I'm sure that they didn't mind though, as they never really complained.

I took a very big and dangerous dose of Catepres (not sure of spelling??) This medication acts to slow the heart down. I didn't really need it, and wasn't sure why they gave it to me, as usually my family were the ones that were violent and energetic. I hoped that this high dose would help me to relax and forget for a while about my life.

This was so so stupid of me to do. It messed me up big time.

Anyhow, After dosing up, I laid on my bed with the lights off and just listened to the family in the other room. They were having a great time laughing and celebrating. At that point I was talking to anyone who would listen. What do I do? What do I NOT do? What is the point of me being here? Why are these things happening? What am I NOT seeing?

I was so numb.. so numb that the only wish I had was to leave this horrible hell.

I sat up and walked over to my dresser and pulled out the box of razors from the drawer. I wasn't scared at all, it was like i was a robot, just acting on what needed to be done. I sat on the edge of my bed and just started cutting myself everywhere. Arms, neck, legs, stomach. These cuts were not light. some were so deep that i could see the bone through the cuts. Blood was gushing everywhere ,.With a straight numb face i just kept hacking away at my body.

When I felt that I was finished, I laid under my covers and curled up with my pillows.(slightly dizzy) At this point my foster family knocked on the door. They were wanting me to clean up the christmas papers from the presents.

I could feel the pools of sticky blood under the covers. I didn't answer so naturally, my foster mother used the key to open the door. She turned the light on and stormed into my room yelling at me for not answering. In mid sentence she stopped suddenly and saw the blood all over the room and floor. "WHAT DID YOU DO!!! " She flung her arms around yelling at me and hitting me.

She pulled the covers back and stood there shocked. This was the first time I had ever seen her this way. Her face went white and she wavered as she stepped back shocked. Because of the medication and loss of blood, I was beginning to lose the ability to hear or see anything as I was very weak. I don't remember what happened after that other than waking up with a terrible headache and very sore body, and unfamiliar people around me.

I had been placed into a group home. Normally I would have been pleased. But I was too upset that i didn't die, to really care. That was the last time I ever saw my foster family again.

The group home.. was not what I thought it would be. They had very strict rules (which wasn't hard for me to follow , really) but unrealistic views. One of them being, if you wear black you'll burn in hell. You can't own crystals because it's part of the devil. No tarot cards because it "scares" people. etc etc.. They were very religious weren't afraid to punish you for not obeying gods will.

For 4 years I lived in homes like these. Being moved from group home to group home, a few mental hospitals.

I didn't feel right being there. As most of the children were there for things like beating up their parents or killing people. Some of them believed that they were people that they were not, others would throw things and yell unclear statements at no one in the room.

I spent a lot of my time just sittin on my bed. I refused to talk to anyone. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, one of the night-staff came into my room and molested me. Right infront of my roomate. He did things that should never be done to a child, or anyone for that matter. When I showed signs of resistance he would whisper in my ear that he had a gun and would use it if i didn't obey. He kept saying things like, I'm doing Gods will pretty little girl.. So stop struggling.. I blacked out and shut off.

After spending an hour in the shower scrubbing my body raw, with the staff watching me (we weren't allowed to be farther than 5 feet from a staff member at all times) I broke down and started screaming. It just all came out, I screamed at my family, my life, my suicide, my pain, my birth family for leaving me, myself, the court, the world.. I hated it all.. There was no escaping it. Even when I didn't try to escape.. it just kept coming , kept following me. I was so emotionally tired and frustrated.

Then after a couple of weeks, I decided that I had to tell someone. This was the hardest thing for me to experience, apart from seeing my foster father die.

I wrote a report and sent it out to the main office. The main office was where all of the 65 facilities (houses) were being run. Each house had 6 children, and each child had two staff at all times who constantly monitored and nagged them.

A few months went by and nothing happened. I asked for something to be done, as the man was still working there and doing these horrible things. My room mate even offered to help. But the thing is... we are group home kids. It doesn't matter how horrible you are treated.. You deserve it. And no one would believe you anyways even if you had proof. (like bloody sheets or bruises) And that is just what they said. You are delusional. Knock it off.

So the only thing I could do was to hold it in, as usual.

One day at school, the principle asked me to step into her office. She asked me if there was something wrong because my grades were falling and that the teachers were concerned. Now....I wanted so bad to tell her. It was like a pressure in my heart saying, TELL HER!!! She'll believe you!

I fought with myself through the tears, looking at this kind lady's face. She had an aura of concern and love . My heart was giving me mixed messages. The urge to say something came up, but the wall in my heart was in the way. I couldn't take the pressure.

So I pulled my sleeves up to show her my wrists. She saw the bruises and asked me what happen. I told her that a staff at the group home had done it. She seemed concerned and actually came over to me and hugged me. While hugging her, I saw that her tears were falling on my arm. I couldn't believe it, that she actually believed me and felt this pain with me! I let my pain out and just started sobbing it all out. For one moment in my entire life, someone was listening. Someone cared. Someone believed me.

She said that she didn't know how she was going to do it, but that she would try to do something.

Nothing got done, however.. Just towards the end of reaching my graduation, I was pulled into a staff meeting (at school).

We were all gathered there that day for a very specific reason. That reason was to tell me that i had been expelled from school.

They handed me some paper work and said "Get out."

I couldn't understand why this was happening. I had spent my time trying to focus on school and did not start fights or even talk to anyone for that matter. (except speaking to the principle that one time) I was also attending college at that time. I was taking an English class, and a math class.

So here I was, Not allowed to be at school.. and I still had about 6 hours left till school was over and the group home would come to pick me up. (eww)

I decided to just walk. I didn't know where I was going, and at the time It was snowing (the group home was in Shasta) But I didn't care. This would be the first time in 4 years that I would have free time to breath and think without a staff in my space.

During this walk, I made a promise to myself to be careful and to listen to my heart when it says not to say something. I was my only friend , after all, and I had betrayed myself by not listening.

After walking around and visiting some Ravens that were gathered around the bench I was sitting at, I decided to walk back to the group home. I came back too early, as school was not out yet, so there was no way to get inside. I couldn't even get onto the property, as the entire property was surrounded by barbed wire fences. and a lock on the front gate. I sat outside and waited the 3 hours for them to return.

Now I didn't trust anyone at all, and was afraid to say anything. I don't even understand why I even tried to in the beginning, as they encouraged us to be "stable" . We were also not allowed any physical contact at all. You would be punished for putting your hand on a staff members arm.

While waiting for the staff to return, I walked around the perimeter of the property to check the fences. I noticed that there was a slight uneven area towards the bottom of the back fence. It was big enough for me to slip through. But I didn't slip through just yet. I was planning an escape from the group home. I could have just left right then but it was snowing and all of my warmer clothes were inside the house. I had to go inside to get my bag and pack it with warm clothes so I would not be cold during my AWOL.

And I did just that. Somehow, and I don't know how I did this without being caught, as this place is highly guarded; I escaped , with my things and a blanket.

I went into the "staff office" which wasn't occupied at night usually. I looked around for some screws and found a screw driver and put it in my pocket for later use. Then I disconnected the staffs communications system. (you know those walkie talkie that cops use? they used the same thing.) I grabbed all of radios and put them in a bag and then very slowly and quietly pushed the very large desk up against the door to jam it shut. as well as using the inside lock to lock the doors. (the sliding locks) I climbed out of the window quietly and shut it, Then got some screws to secure the windows shut so that no one could get in or out. This was part of my plan.

I went around to the side of the house and placed the walkie talkies into the wood chute for the fireplace. They would find it soon, perhaps not for a couple days but anyways.

This would buy me time to get away. As soon as one is found AWOL, the staff come into the office to use the radios and report to the main office and the cops. And believe me, within minutes the cops are all over you. They are relentless and very unforgiving. i had to get away without anyone knowing, at least until it was too late for them to catch me. The office now was locked up in a way where they wouldn't be able to contact the main office to report to the cops quickly that i had AWOL'd.

Then I very quickly found the open space in the back fence. I pushed my bag under first and then I squeezed myself through.

And just like that, I was free. I walked about 12 miles down the road . Unsure of where I was going but I just allowed myself to let out my pain by walking. All through the night I walked. Each step I took I felt more and more grounded, more and more relaxed. I was NEVER going back there. EVER. -Part two coming soon-