SERENDIPITY

hello beautiful ones....

as of today it has been 3 weeks and 5 days since i stumbled onto this magical place.
when i first got here i was so overwelmed by all the information here but yet
i was overjoyed to the point of tears....i remember thinking, "i finally found my family"!!!
i cant describe to you the emotions that were going on inside me.
when i was doing my profile i was having a hard time decideing what i would write.
i felt self conscious. i was in a place with people who were so enlightened and intelligent.
what could i possibly have to contribute. what could i say that would make any kind of difference.

i felt like a child, one who knew almost nothing.
so i basically just surfed around and read what you had to say.

i came to this site to find answers for myself and in the short time that i have been here
i realized that what i found was not exactley what i was looking for.rather i found that it isnt
really about the answers that i seek, but what we all seek.i felt a closeness and unity with you
that i have never felt before. i wanted to make a difference..for all of us not just me...
hence the word,

SERENDIPITY.

Wikipedia describes this word this way: the effect by which one accidentally discovers something
fortunate while looking for something else entirely.....

i would like to finally introduce myself.
my name is lisanicole.
i was born on feb 26, 1970 (the year all the best cars were made! ha ha)
my home life till age 7 must have been pretty good at least they seem that way in the pictures
i do remember that my mom had found out she had cancer in 75 but she wasnt sick then.
when i was 7 my parents got divorced, that was the turning point for me.
i know alot of parents get divorced but this was so tramatic for me. there wasnt any fighting
or bad stuff happening in the house so i was confused and the vision of this beautiful
world that i had created in my mind was shattered.
when i was about 8 i was molested by a neighbor. this lasted a few yrs and then when i was 12
i was molested agian by a family member.
needless to say my beatiful world of rainbows, sunshine and cotton candy was finally completly
distroyed.
my tweens and teens were a mess i had devolped anxieties and phobias and loud chattering
in my brain.
when i got to high school it was awful.
i only made it to the first part of tenth grade.
i was out running around partying and causing trouble.
one day in jan i went to a party i met this guy there who was 9 yrs older and i decided i was
going to marry him.
i was 16.
two months later i was pregnant, 6 months after that on aug 15 1987 i was married.
that same day my mom died...her cancer had progressed so far that she wasnt even lucid
in my excitement i forgot to tell her how much i loved her before i left.
from that moment on it was hell for me. there was drugs alcohol and men and abuse
i was partying but i had my house and a car and a job
the house that i was living in was the house i grew up in. when my mom died it was left to me
and my dad. the house was allready paid for so i decided to ask my dad if my husband could
buy out his half. my father was not pleased with this but i told him i was in love and whatever was
mine would be my husbands. my father finally agreed,sold out his half to ken and moved to
florida. he did however attach a 10 yr clause to the deal so that i would be portected if
anything was to happen between my husband and me. my father passed away 1 yr after the
10 yrs were up. at this point my husband and i werent together anymore and we got divorced
but i still had the house and his name was still on it. im sorry i am babbling so i will get to the point
i had come into fiancial trouble and had to declare bankruptcy but in order to save the house
my ex would have to file with me. i guess this didnt go over real well with his new wife and i lost
the house.
when i lost it i lost myself completley. everything good in my life was tied to that place. both of
my parents ashes were scattered there..............i had nothing and i could not even ever sit with
my parents by their rock again.
i had to give away my dogs and my children because i had no where to go except into a hotel room.
within in a couple of months i turned into a crack smoking, heroin snorting, pill popper. i have scars on my
arms from my new love intrest, the razorblade. i wanted nothing but to die. i cared for nothing and
no one.
the story about how i got here in florida is a long and complicated one. things are not that good here
either but..........i have been clean for 18 months and i finally found you!!!!!! i am so grateful...
thank you for allowing me to finally write these words
this is the last part of my grieving process...
i can now let that all go with love and light..
thank you.
i was going to tell you about what happened last night (and i will) but im afraid this writing has drained me and
i must rest and think now how im going to explain the vision i had last night at 5:38 pm to you all.
thank you for walking beside me and listening....
namaste,
lisanicole