i dont think ego is what we say it is...

i recently had a culmination of thoughts which ended in this - that this difficult thing called ego, is not really what we have been saying it is.

beginning with freud, ego has been given this definition of being the selfish part of the self, the part that looks after itself first. it is often the thing which meditators and spiritual seekers try to quieten, in search for compassion and humility.

the big error is that i dont think we actually are born with egos. egos are not actually made from within us; they are not an integral part of our soul. this thing which is the source of things such as pride, envy, jealousy, depression, self pity, meanness, selfishness etc is not something we are born with, but something which is created for us by others.

when someone says something bad about you, this thing called an ego has the opportunity to develop- 'you`re selfish' 'you`re naughty' ' be quiet' ' you`re worthless' . once it is created, it stays by acting like a trapdoor for comments from then on that opens or closes - every time you hear or think something negative about yourself, it is the ego that either lets it in, rebel against it. the someone may tell you 'you`re worthless' - the ego that lets it in may lead you to depression; the ego that rebels against it may lead you to apparent arrogance - the effect on your soul is the same.

my point is though, the ego is NOT YOURS! it is what people around you have created - it is their little monster inside you that lives with you. the stronger the ego, the more it lets in or reacts against comments against yourself. the smaller the ego, the more it lets comments pass by. its size depends on how strongly you have learned not to accept who you already are - so my theory is that the more you have grown up with criticism or a feeling of worthlessness, the larger the ego inside you is likely to be, and the lower your self-worth, whether you are conscious of it or not.

i think actually the idea of ego by freud- that we are born with this thing called an id, then an ego then a super-ego - is based on the idea that we are all sinners. i very much get an intuitive feeling that ego is a created falsity, when actually we, nor the universe have no business feeling guilty about ourselves or feeling like we have to change. i think what has actually been confused as the ego in early years, are just natural ways that the soul is creating - such as emotional reactions and exploring. when we are admonished in the name of a phantom ego, we develop it ourselves, then create defenses, scars and habitual patterns which are then labelled ego again in later life. its crazy~!

so, if ego is not really part of us, and is a mere fabrication, how do we get rid of it or heal ourselves?

well, i figure, that like all passing states, all that needs to be done is to recognise it for what it is. sit quietly and observe as your ego trapdoor lets thoughts in or reacts against thoughts about yourself. observe, observe, observe and quickly you will find that you can quite easily stop the ego from doing this. when someone says something mean, your ego would usually let it in or rebel - you stop and observe your ego about to do so, keep looking at it in the eye, and it`ll stop in its tracks. you`ll feel your ego let it pass, and experience freedom from the usual sense of emotional reaction inside; feeling calm and peace instead. each time you do this, the ego diminishes in strength.

another effective method is to forgive yourself for everything you do or think whenever you want. i realised that when i started forgiving myself for everything, just how much i allowed myself to feel bad about myself - even walking to the supermarket, i forgave myself for the way i walked, for the way i looked at people in the street, for the way i talked..it was non-stop. forgiving has a similar effect to observing, as it a form of acceptance - you feel the emotional reaction pass, you feel relief and calm, and the ego diminishes.

i think i have a particularly large ego which has been allowed to grow to monster proportions, and has governed how i think about myself. unconditional love for myself, then others is my desire and goal, and while i plunge forward with meditations and smiles at one end, i have found that i also need to keep picking up the pieces of a battered soul on the other end. the learning happens at both ends of the stick, and you cant just ignore one. identifying the ego as a fabrication, forgiving, will hopefully help to drop off layer after layer of old self-despisal, until you realise that you already are love, you already are perfect, that you love yourself completely exactly as you are - and that instead of willing yourself or hoping, or achieving it only when meditating, you feel this completely, totally with your heart and body all the time.

comments welcome~