My Story-part 4

For most of my life, I have held my emotions inside, and not allowed myself to feel and express them. The only time I really let my heart fly free was when I was alone listening to music. I once wrote a thank you letter to Elton John, lol. Growing up with his music, which is so rich and full of feeling, I often would stop, take out my heart from it's safe walled space, and sing along with him and allow my heart to soar on wings of love. These were the times when I felt truly alive. I didnt send the letter. I wish I had.

 

What you are reading here is more than just a blog. It is the story of a worm becoming a butterfly, perceiving himself as a dirty filthy thing, and awakening to the perception of beauty. I say perception, because true knowledge is not possible in the illusion of separation. Perception is based on time and knowledge is timeless. Perception can be wrong minded or right minded, but knowledge is single minded.

 

Now, Julie was molested by her own father, in every possible way that a person can be molested, starting on her sixth birthday, and continuing til her thirteenth. She was molested so thoroughly that she learned to enjoy it. I tried my best to work with her and help to heal her, but her shame and guilt are so deep, she cant allow herself to re-experience those times. The way that she sees herself and the way that I saw her were polar opposites. I saw the perfection in her but she couldnt see it in herself. She tried so hard to become the woman that I saw by changing her behavior, but without doing the work that really needed to be done, she was constantly at war with her shadow self. It became harder and harder to act like the person she didnt believe herself to be.

 

She wanted me to marry her and I wouldnt do it. I explained to her that marriage in the worldly sense is a contract destined to fail. How can you possibly know how you will feel for the rest of your life? Most people dont know how they will feel tomorrow, much less five or ten years down the road. I love you, and that is enough for me. It would be downright dishonest of me to make a promise that I dont know I can keep, and unless you can see the future you dont know, but to be totally honest I have to say that I still felt like I had a mission that didnt include her and I wasnt willing to give up on that.

 

I hadnt yet learned the importance of clearing the past, and leaving it behind, or living in the now moment, experiencing it in full Joy and Grattitude, and allowing the future moments to flow to us in their own good "time".

 

 I was trying to practice unconditional love with a partner who just could not grasp the concept, and I have to admit, I wasnt very good at it either. She was loving herself through me, and wanted me to promise that she could continue to do this forever. She couldnt conceive of a love with no strings, a love that allows the other to be true to his or herself, a love that is totally accepting and giving no matter what the other is being or doing. I could conceive of it but practicing it was a different story. I guess I practiced it like you practice something your not good at but want to be good at.

 

During this time I was meditating and growing spiritually, but my spirituality was threatening to her, and she would get angry when I meditated or read my books, so I started getting up an hour earlier so I could meditate while she slept. Sometimes I would stop at the park on my way home to read. I wont lie to you. My spritual growth was more important to me than she was, even though I did spend less time in my seeking in order to make her happy.

 

Meanwhile, her shadow side was causing more and more problems, she had always had trouble controlling it during her monthly cycles, and her cramps and pain got progressively worse and sometimes she would turn into a snarling monster, and honestly, it became harder and harder for me to deal with. Instead of my love and light slowly lifting her vibrations, her shadow side was slowly lowering mine.

 

I'm not saying I was perfect because I was far from that. A lot of my behavior was self serving, and just the fact that I tried to save her showed that I saw her through eyes of judgement, and wasnt really loving her unconditionally. I was just as "guilty" of loving myself through her as she was through me. I loved her and didnt want to "lose" her. Our Life together was fairly comfortable, and she was the best friend I'd ever known.

 

I thought my life had been tough, but I cant even imagine the things she has been through in hers. Imagine the pain of her inner child, who has been abandoned, with all those awful memories, in it's darkness all alone for so many years, with no way to express it's fear and pain, except through rage, and even that is being turned around and being pushed back at it.

I can imagine it becoming a demon, or fire breathing dragon that becomes more and more fearful to look upon with each passing day.

 

Can you imagine how many children there are out there that have experienced, or are experiencing this kind of emotional turmoil in their own private hell. I can, and that is why I wanted so badly to reach her and help her. I thought with my love and support she might be able to overcome her hell and become a great resource for others like her.

 

I eventually married Julie, and just a few months later, on Easter Sunday 1995, I left her and returned to Louisiana.

 

For the next six months or so I threw myself into my spiritual studies, and was experiencing a roller coaster ride of emotions that was driving me mad. One moment I was on top of the world and the next I was in the gutters. I couldnt control my feelings no matter how hard I tried, and it just kept getting worse and worse.

 

Then one day Julie called me and asked me to come back, and as much as I loved her and missed her, and as tempted as I was, I told her no. I knew it wouldnt work. I wouldnt be able to trust her not to cheat and she wouldnt be able to trust me not to leave. Yes, she cheated on me, but that isnt why I left. I left because she asked me to, so that she could explore the possibilities of becoming Mrs. Dr. so and so.

 

The theme of trust and betrayal was a constant companion for me, played out in this lifetime and others before it, and I realized it would continue to be until I learned that lesson, and Julie and Darlene had been great teachers. I learned that being true to ones self was all that really mattered, and that betrayal of ones self was the highest form of betrayal.

 

After refusing to go back to Julie, my emotional roller coaster ride, changed to a steady downward spiral. Soon I was hardly able to function at all, my depression was so deep I was completely lost in it.

 

I had once read The Celestine Prophecy, and deduced from it that I was supposed to write music and help build a bridge between New Age and Christianity. My father had been a musician and alcoholic with new age type beliefs, and my mother was a Southern Baptist who believed new age was the devil, lol. They were divorced when I was a baby, and I never met him til I was twelve, and by then I didnt want to be anything like him.

 

Anyway, one day, lost in my depression, I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to write music, so I sat down at the dining room table, and opened my heart, and wrote two sad songs. One called "Love Only Me", and another called "Memories Of You".  I had no musical knowledge, so all I could do was write down the lyrics and sing them into a tape recorder.

 

I wasnt able to sing them without breaking down and crying, so I sang and cried and cried and sang most of that day, until I was finally able to record them without crying. After I was done, I realized that I felt really good. My depression was gone and I felt better than I had in years.

 

This experience showed me the importance of emotional clearing work, and how music could be a tool for healing.

 

 

 To be continued...

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Love and Light Always and All Ways