My Story-part 2

Now, while I was still in that place of Love and Light, I felt as if I was being "called" to walk away and never look back, and as wonderful as that place of bliss was (it was better than sex lol), I couldnt help but ask, "but where will I go? what will I do? what will become of my children? And at that point the Light went away and I felt more "unworthy" than I had before. After all I had been called but (because I couldnt not look back) not "chosen".

This was the way my worldly programmed mind worked back then lol. The Light had been taken away, but I still had that fountain of Love flowing inside me, and I knew that it would continue to flow so long as I freely shared it with the world. Over the years it has slowly dimmed because we "humans" are fond of attaching "strings" and conditions on the love that we share with each other. I began poring over the bible to learn how to "make myself worthy" hoping I could "earn" another chance. During my readings, whenever I felt "inspired" I would write sermons, with every intention of becoming a preacher and teaching those lessons to the masses. The more I wrote, the more self righteous and judgemental I became, til one day, while proofreading a particularly scathing Hellfire and Brimstone sermon that would have been the envy of most every preacher in the land, I stopped and asked myself, "what the hell is this?" "This isnt the Unconditional Love without judgement that God had shown me." It was the same trash that the world and it's worldly teachers had drilled into my head since the day I was born. Right then and there I gave up all thought of becoming a preacher, and determined to never again allow the "Holy Bible" and the so called "Word of God" to override my own personal experience of God (much easier said than done lol). I may have gotten a "little" confused from time to time, but I never wrote another sermon again, Thank God!!!  Lol.

Now, during my time in Maryland, I spent 2 years as an estimator/salesman at a roofing company in Arlington Va.( my title was actually general manager but that was a glorified title since my secretary Ada did most of the managerial work, I just did the day to day decision making and logistical work), where I came in contact with many metaphysical writings and some very colorful people, including the owner of the roofing company who was an Indian from Punjab. He was also a director of the World Bank. He had a nephew who had been a lawyer at the Hague(World Court), but was now in the states earning a law degree at GW University, so that he could practice law here. Anyway this nephew needed a job and I was assigned the duty of teaching him to estimate and price roofing work and write and close contracts, which I wasnt very happy about at first, but he quickly proved to be a very intelligent and avid student whom I quickly nicknamed "One Question", because always after a "lesson" he would quickly raise his hand with index finger pointed up and say "one question", at which time he would proceed to ask me 50 million questions lol. I quickly came to cherish the times we spent together (so much for judgement). I mention him because I "feel" he has a role to play in upcoming world events, and I would dearly love to see him again.

Once I had one of my subcontractors come in with a "sob story" about his sick wife and starving baby with no diapers, and after quickly drying my eyes, I gave him an advance of 300 dollars against his next job and sent him happily and thankfully on his way, at which point I returned to the "duty" of answering the myriad of questions fired at me by "One Question". About an hour later my foreman came in and mentioned he had seen so and so's (not his real name lol) truck parked in front of a "tittie" bar in Crystal City (across the Potomac from the capital). Now, so and so just happened to be the same guy with the sick wife and starving baby with no diapers who had recently left my office with 300 dollars cash money in his pocket. He was supposed to be working on the roof that I had advanced him the money against. I jumped in my truck and drove down to said "tittie" bar and sure enough, that was so and so's truck parked in front. I went inside to find so and so at the edge of the stage, 5 dollar bills crammed in both hands and one in his teeth trying to tuck it inside the g-string of one of the otherwise naked bouncing beauties lol. Anyway, I have some fond memories of work at that time and I thought a little humor might be good to lighten things up a little.

At the time of my awakening I was working as a superintendant for a large commercial roofing contractor in Laurel Md. where I also lived. The closest branch of the bank the company used just happened to be the bank where, presidential candidate and former Gov. of Alabama, ( a former childhood hero of every good racist boy in the aforementioned state lol)  George Wallace was shot. I mention this because this was the same bank at which God saw fit to introduce me to the angel who was to help me through the hard times ahead.

Her name was Julie and she was a teller at this bank. Now, every friday I would go through the drive up at this bank to cash my check on the way home. I never went inside, the drive up was my routine. One friday, not long after I came to my senses and stopped writing sermons, I went to the bank as usual, but the drive up was closed for repairs, so I parked my truck and went inside. While waiting in line I saw this really pretty teller, who was one of about five, waiting on this long line of customers. Once you finally made it to the head of the line, you would be called by the next available teller. While I was checking her out, she looked up, and our eyes met. Well the next thing I knew there were fireworks going off, bells and whistles, the whole nine yards, but nobody seemed to notice but her and me, as if we were locked in our own private fourth of july fireworks display. I couldnt even breathe and I trembled and shook so badly I thought my legs would betray me and I'd fall right there in the middle of all those customers in line lol. Until, what seemed like an eternity later, we broke eye contact and both looked away.

I didnt know what the heck was happening but I knew one thing. There was a four in five chance that when I got to the head of the line someone else would say "next" and I might possibly live to see another another day. There was no way I could possibly calmly walk up to her window, hand her my check and drivers license, and tell her I wanted to cash the check. I could hardly stand, much less talk. Well, guess who was the next available teller for me...bingo... only she didnt say "next", she just stood there opening and closing her mouth and not making a sound.

Finally, I stumbled forward and literally threw my check and license on the counter and quickly slammed my arms back to my side, eyes glued to my feet. She didnt ask and I didnt say, she just silently counted out the money and slid the envelope towards me, at which point I snatched it up and ran out of there like my pants were on fire Lol. I am not exxagerating!!!  Oh My GOD, what an experience that was!!!  Lol. Can you imagine having a fountain of love flowing from your very soul, and at the same time falling head over heels in love at first sight? Whoa!!! I can hardly imagine it and I managed to actually live through it. The following friday I rushed right back into the lions den for more lol. It was probably a month or more before we could smile and say hello to each other.

Well, around about this time Darlene called and said she was wrong, that she loved me, and wanted to come back to Maryland. I wasnt exactly thrilled with her at this point, but it meant getting my girls back (not to mention once a month sex), so I rented a nice big house, and moved them back again. I was happy just to see Julie's shining smiling face once a week.  I never expected it to go any farther than that, after all, she was young and beautiful, and I was old(34 lol), balding, and leathery from so much time working in the sun. I would have been perfectly content just to gaze on her for 3 minutes a week for the rest of my life lol.

Well, as it turned out Darlene was just using me to manipulate him. I dont know what she wanted from him, but it was something he didnt want to give until she was gone for several weeks. He started calling her and they started talking for hours every night, and I didnt say anything. I knew she would probably leave, but I also knew that when she did it would be the end of me watching my daughters grow up. They stayed for a few months, then they left. My little Britt was only 4 years old and letting them go that time was really, really hard.

Before they left, Julie disappeared on me. One Friday I went to cash my check and she wasnt there. Then the next friday she wasnt there, and the next. I figured she was gone for good, so I went back to my old routine with the drive up and there she was, her beautiful smiling face just beaming at me. Thank you God!!!  Lol. She had been moved to the drive up and was there all the time. I dont know what I would have done if she hadnt been there after they left. I went back to my old routine and was content just to see her through the glass at the drive thru.

Some months later I went for my weekly Julie fix (I still didnt even know her name and not a word had passed between us other than hello or thank you, and this was about 4 months after we'd first seen each other), and this time when I opened the envelope there was some handwriting on the inside of the flap. I was so scared I acted like I didnt see it. I counted my money, smiled and waved and drove off.  I didnt stop until I was well away from the bank so I was sure she couldnt see me. Now before I open this flap, I want you to realize, that I, even though I had tried my entire life to be a good person and do the right thing, even though I had touched the creator in my own personal awakening process, and even though I had for months been consciously shining unconditional love on the whole world, to everyone I met or saw on the street, or passed on a highway in cars and trucks etc., In my own mind I was nothing more than a worthless piece of shit!!!  Darlene had drummed this into my head for so long in subtle and not so subtle ways, not intentionally of course, she didnt even know she was doing it, but the damage was done. When I opened the flap, I saw 6 magical words that were to be the beginning of a long and painful healing process. She had written: " I had a dream about you"

To be continued...


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Love and Light Always and All Ways

Russ