My Story

I am going to share my story with you, and anyone else who wants to hear it. It is the story of a man, a son of man, who started life as just an ordinary son, the middle son of five sons.

Now, I'm going to move forward in time to just a couple of months ago, when I ran across a woman named Kandy at Ashtar Command dot net. I was actually looking for someone like me, a "weirdo" that I could talk to, lol. In the seventeen years since my awakening I had never found that. Anyway, I connected with Kandy and agreed to tell her my story. What follows here are my letters to her. I figure since these letters were already written, and the emotional clearing work, which was the purpose of these letters, was done, I may as well use them instead of spending an enormous amount of time re-writing it all.

Now, I want you to realize that this story is strictly from my perspective, or how I percieved it at the time, and probably not "the" truth, and the "other" party involved has her own perspective, and story, and "the" truth probably lies somewhere in the middle lol. I am not searching for a judgement for or against myself or anyone else. I am simply telling a story. That being said, here goes:

 

Dear Kandy:)

Here goes my story, hope you like to read lol.

I was born in Birmingham Al. Moved to New Orleans when I was 11 or 12, Went to church every Sunday, sang in the choir and all that. Lost faith in God because of the church, got married at 19, made lots of money and lots of babies lol, and was just plain miserable!!!

(Now, I realize this first part of the story is kind of short and blunt, and I reserve the right to delve into this part of my story at a later date, or not lol. We shall see. Anyway, since the real "meat" of the story is what follows, this is where we shall start. None of this in parenthesis was in the actual letter.)

 

That beautiful young girl that I married (she was only 17) turned into a controlling, manipulative, money spending, siren from hell, lol. No matter how much money I made it was never enough. I was making 45k a year at a time when the average was 12k !!! Now, I'm not saying this was all her fault, mind you, I was every bit as much to blame as she was. I should have been a man and put my foot down and taken control of the finances, I just couldnt do it. She was a master manipulator. In our entire 15 year marriage, I never once won an argument. It didnt matter if I was right, she could always find a way to turn things around and thouroughly confuse everything until, in total exasperation, I would throw up my hands and just give up.

 

One time she slapped me across the face and I got so mad it was all I could do to keep from hitting her, but I was a fiery Leo and I knew that if I hit her once, I wouldnt stop until she was a bloody pulp, there was that much rage built up inside of me. I never argued with her again after that. I just threw myself into my work and started working 7 days a week, 12 or more hours a day.

 

After that, she controlled everything. She controlled the money ( I would bring my uncashed paycheck home every friday and give it to her, and she would give me two dollars a day to spend on lunch and cigarettes). She controlled the sex (same routine, same position, once a month, period). Now, this was particularly hard on me. She was the first and only woman I'd ever had, and I had the testosterone of 5 or 6 healthy men. I was always "horney" lol. I masturbated at least 3 times a day ( I hope this doesnt offend you, but I want you to understand). She was so beautiful and so sexy and I longed so much for her, I just couldnt help it. I never cheated on her even though I had many, many opportunities. I was raised to believe in the "sanctity" of  a marriage, and that marriage was for life. There was no escape for me. I can remember lying in bed some nights wishing I could just die. Death would be my only release from this misery.

 

She, however, did cheat...with my very best friend in the world, a long running affair of several years. Sometimes I even heard them in the living room while I was in bed trying to sleep, but somehow I just blocked it all out and pretended it wasn't happening. I just didnt want to believe that the two closest people in my life could betray me like that.

 

In 1982, just after Gov. Edwards signed the Right to Work Law, All the unions at my company went on strike, and I learned that there was no such thing as job security. The company shut down for 8 months and then reopened as a non union employer. I learned to nail shingles and opened my own roofing business which managed to keep us afloat for three years until the bottom dropped out of the economy in La. in 1985. 

 

During the oil embargo the economy was booming, but once the embargo was lifted the price of oil plummeted and all the oil drilling companies and refineries started laying off people by the thousands. All the construction dried up and what little work there was payed little or nothing. I lost everything I owned which was about a quarter mil. The house and five acres where I lived, which the year before was worth maybe 160k, was now worth way less than the 90k I still owed on it. I wound up signing a quit claim deed and giving it to the mortgageholder. The other house and 2 acres, which the year before was worth 110k, I sold for 22k which was only 2k more than I owed (and I had to call in a favor from a friend to get that).

 

 Luckily (lol), a few years earlier we had made friends with a couple from Maryland and the man (Allen) had lost his job here, and they were broke. We let them and their 2 yr old son move in with us and supported them for about 6 months until he could get up enough money to return home to Md. After he got back home, he and a partner started a vinyl siding company and were doing very well. He had been calling me frequently, wanting me to come to Md. and help him and his partner start a roofing business to compliment the siding company. Business was booming up there, so, with 2 thousand dollars, I packed up a few clothes, my pregnant wife, and three young daughters and moved to Maryland.

 

We were able to get back on our feet and were doing really well in Md. when My father-in-law had a stroke and was paralyzed on one side of his body. We came back to La., packed up father-in-law and mother-in-law and moved them to Md. with us. They lived with us for 2 years until he died, and we brought him back here to be buried. After that Darlene (wife) becomes homesick and wants to move back. Things werent much better here but "we" (lol) decided to give it a try.

 

 It wasnt long after we packed up a u-haul and moved back that we found out it wasnt going to work. I still couldnt make enough money here, so I went back to Maryland alone, rented a room from some friends, and went back to work. I kept just enough money to survive and sent everything else home. I flew home for one weekend every 3 months, and stayed in Md. alone for a year.

 

 During this year alone I had come across a book by Napolean Hill entitled "Think and Grow Rich" which, even though it didnt sound like it, was a metaphysical book that started me on the path of seeking. I started meditating and reading everything metaphysical I could get my hands on. Now, this is where it starts to get really interesting lol.

 

At the end of that year, Darlene called to tell me she had been seeing someone and had fallen in love with him. Well I dont think you can even imagine the anger, rage, and resentment I felt towards her at that time, if she had been standing in front of me I might have killed her. After I hung up the phone, I stayed in my room for 3 days and nights struggling with those overwhelming emotions. I wanted to smash her to bits, I wanted to take her to court and take the girls away from her, and humiliate her the way she had humiliated me, I wanted the whole world to know what a no good, lying, cheating, whore she was.

 

 I felt like I was being destroyed from the inside out. Here I was, thousands of miles away, alone and lonely, missing my little girls like crazy, working my butt off, sending almost every dime home to her,(which, of course still wasnt enough) and she is running around having a good old time doing God knows what with God knows who, and I'm not even getting my routine once a month sex that I've somehow managed to get used to, lol. You think your reptilians were bad? Lol.

 

Anyway, I spent most of the third night praying to God for help or guidance or death or something!!!  In the morning I got out my bible, sat down on the bed, did my grounding meditation and started reading Jesus' teachings on forgiveness. I've always had an affinity for Jesus, and somehow I've always known that I was capable of doing all the things he did. I had no idea at the time that I had done some of the things he did, or that he had been a friend and mentor in a previous life some two thousand years ago, but that is a story for another time.

 

As I was reading and praying to Jesus to help me, the phone rang and it was Darlene asking me for a divorce. I sat there shaking and trembling with those awful emotions when all of a sudden,whoosh , a sense of relief flooded me, and in an instant all the burdens of this world were lifted off my shoulders. I agreed to give her a divorce and everything else, including full custody of our kids. I even comforted her when she began to cry. I forgave her everything and I took full responsibility for my part in our failed marriage. I hadnt been a loving husband for a long long time, and I was a good provider for my children, but I wasnt such a great dad. I was away from home working too much to spend any quality time with any of them.

 

 I could never had done this without the Love and help of Jesus, or Sananda, I dont deserve any of the credit.

 

Now, after I hung up the phone, I was so full of love that I decided to forgive everyone else who I felt had ever harmed me in any way. I only thought I was full of love then, because after I had forgiven everyone else I started to tremble and shake again and there was opened up somewhere deep inside me a fountain of Love and Light that grew in intensity until I was completely overwhelmed with an unimaginable Love and a light so bright all I could see was white, like being encased in fresh fallen snow full of sunlight, I dont know how else to describe it. It was so wonderful, and so beautiful, and so profound that all I could do was babble like a baby in sheer ecstacy and bliss!!! I felt as if I was one with God, I became one with God, and He showed me all things under the heavens, and showed me how much He Loves everyone and everything, and how he never judges anyone or anything, and there is nothing anyone ever has to do to earn it!!!  It is truly unconditional, eternal, and Free. Gods Love is absolutely free absolute freedom!!! Can you understand that? Do you get that? Do you realize how important "getting" that is?

 

 I didnt at the time. I had no idea what was happening to me. I wish now that I had remembered to forgive one other person in my life....me. Oh God how much easier these past 17 years could have been!!!  If only I had remembered to forgive myself, and count myself worthy to stand in His presence!!!  We are all worthy, we are all One, and dont ever let yourself or anyone else tell you or make you believe otherwise!!!

Whew! That got kind of intense there lol. I've stayed up all night writing this. I hope you havent stayed up waiting for it lol. Guess I better stop now and mail this to you. It's a lot to take in lol.

...to be continued...

Russ

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Love and Light Always and All Ways