Depression Breakthrough!

I've been fighting a severe depression for weeks. Well, years, but its been worse again the past few weeks. And the tools I took into battle with me only made things worse at first. You see, I became desperate and went back on anti-depressants. I felt incredibly bad about what I was putting my partner through, and I felt I owed it to her to do whatever I could to stop draining her with my emptiness.

So I went to the Department of Human Services, signed up for the free medical, and went to a doctor. I got a prescription for Wellbutrin and began taking it that same day.

Okay, here's where I found out that this Global Acceleration Syndrome truly has transformed the chemical structure of our bodies. This medication, which I took years ago with glorious success (before my spiritual acceleration began) made me very, very sick. I developed what I came to understand was Seratonin Syndrome. For me, this included tachycardia, arrhythmia, tremors, shivers, light-headedness, dizziness, fainting, extreme irritability, stomach cramps, diarrhea, joint pain, extreme sleep disturbance, and headaches.

Now, those of you familiar with Global Acceleration Syndrome may be thinking what I was thinking...so what's new?

But this was worse. A new and different level of feeling unwell. So I went off the drugs cold-turkey. It took me four days for the symptoms to stop, then I experienced the pleasure of withdrawal, which took another week or so. Then the depression hit. Or should I say I sank in?

Extreme hopelessness, feelings of worthlessness, suicidal fantasies...yadda yadda yadda...I'm sure I don't have to tell a lot of you.

Then...my Eureka.

It came when I decided to try and write some fiction. I used to do it a lot, and passionately enjoy it, so I tried again. I found it a way to pass the time, but the passion and true enjoyment was gone. So I decided to READ some fiction. Something I haven't done in years, being so caught up in my drive to read everything nonfiction on metaphysics and ascension that I could get my paws on.

Not too coincidentally, I started with The DaVinci Code. I hadn't read it before, not being at all a novice to the existence of Mary Magdalene as Jesus's Twin Flame. And I didn't ask for it this time. My partner went out to look for what I did ask for, and came home with this. Ah, those spine-tingling prophets who once intoned, "You can't always get what you want...and if you try sometime, you just might find...you get what you need."

So anyway, I read it. Great read. Really gave me what I DID go looking for, which is demonstration of master story-telling with which I could develop my own. But what it also gave me was a strong push...a shove, really...toward the answer to my own depression dilemma.

As I read about the Knights Templar and their many codes, anagrams, backwards writings, etc. I realized I had assassinated a part of myself many years ago. As a child, I had LOVED codes, anagrams, and backwards writing, and had created my own language that had brought much frustration to my parents when I insisted on using it.

And even unto college, I had taken a mock-up of the Miller's Analogy Test in preparation for graduate school, and found I had a much higher-than-average proclivity for language manipulation and comprehension. I used to DEVOUR the word game magazines at the grocery and bookstores, scouring the shelves for the latest ones and even visiting other stores to see if they had old back issues I'd missed.

And then, I had had my spiritual awakening.

I'll keep this as short as possible.

I had mistakenly come to believe that I had to eschew my intellect in favor of my heart and spirit. The birth of my special starchild, Ivy, had been a big part of that. I had valued nothing BUT intellect until then, thinking it my only asset. When she was born and diagnosed as autistic and developmentally delayed, it shattered my world view. I came to understand that there were other things of even greater value.

And that, along with my zeal to develop myself emotionally and spiritually, led me to purposely and completely, and even disdainfully and resentfully, turn my back on my own intellect.

I can honestly say I hated it. And in effect, I gunned it down.

In reading of the Masters, DaVinci, Newton, Franklin, and others, I began to ask myself a question over and over: "Where would the world be if these men had not fully embraced, revelled in, and passionately expressed their intellectual selves?"

Screwed, that's where.

And as I read The DaVinci Code, I realized the passionate love and skill for word games that I had thrown out as not only useless but actually detrimental to my spiritual growth, had kept me alive for many, many lifetimes and was a gift beyond measuring.

And then, on the heels of that, almost like I was deciphering codes on my own treasure hunt, I realized that it was here, in this lifetime, to do the same.

Revelation: Of course I felt dead inside. I had killed off so many parts of myself there was virtually nothing left to breathe with.

I came into this lifetime with all kinds of special gifts, odd interests, and talents that were meant to give me life. To keep my soul entertained with this physical existence. And over the years, one after another, for one reason or other, I gunned them down in cold blood. And eventually, there was so little left of the real me that it was hard...no, make that impossible...to maintain any kind of enthusiasm for staying.

I am reborn.

I am Jesus resurrecting Lazarus. I am calling up all the mortally wounded parts of myself and breathing my breath, my acceptance, into them so that I may live again.

I am picking up word game magazines and allowing myself to play in the fields of intellect again.

And who knows where this may lead?

I only know this: I don't want to kill myself. I want to be alive to walk further down this path and see where it takes me next. And I haven't truly been able to say that in a long, long time.

Love in the Highest,

Satina