My "Wilde" weekend -- Stuart Wilde, that is!

Hi friends,

This past weekend I attended the Stuart Wilde "Last Trance" seminar in Las Vegas.  Wow!  What an event.  Not even sure how to describe it.  If you don't know who Stuart Wilde is, you can get an idea by checking out his website at http://www.stuartwilde.com.  He has written numerous books and articles, and describes himself as a modern day mystic or shaman.   I believe he is either the craziest, or the sanest, most wide-awake person I can think of.  Can one be both?  If so, he fits the bill.  He basically advocates love for ALL, and teaches that redemption must come from yourself (your own inner journey).   You must embrace the dark shadow, AND the white shadow (the "nice" part of the ego that keeps you in the ivory tower).  You cannot save anyone except yourself, and neither should you try.  He says that once you are redeemed and have knowledge to share, you can teach others how to redeem themselves -- if they are willing.  I've truly come to believe this.

Anyway, this seminar was a gift I gave to myself for my birthday.   I jumped on the opportunity, paid my fee, reserved a hotel room.  I was trying to get a friend of mine to join me, but she didn't sign up soon enough and couldn't get a ticket.  As it was, it worked out great.  I had never taken a trip by myself -- never thought it would be fun.  Boy, was I wrong.  There's something liberating about going where you want, when you want, how you want, and never worrying about someone else.  It's just you and the world. 

I think I had always been afraid of being lonely.  Well, this was a piece of cake.  I already went through being lonely in the past year after my husband died a year ago August.  Yes, I get lonely now and then, but I am rediscovering myself again.  I lost who I was in the relationship.   I was so focused on him and the false image of "us" that I had in my mind, that I worked very diligently to uphold this facade.  The facade came down a couple of years ago, but I fought it every step of the way.  When it fell, I realized that it didn't matter what other people thought -- it only mattered what I thought.  And...if they didn't like the way I was living my life, too bad!  Whose life is it anyway?

So, as I was attending this seminar, 3 days (Friday - Sunday), I was just me.  I didn't have to be any other "me" that I sometimes have to be--we all have roles we play around different people to some degree.  We're the guiding sister, the reliable friend, the conscientious employee, the good wife, nice neighbor, etc., etc.  (Hmmm...might have a LOT more to work on still...!)  As the seminars would start each day, the place would fill up fast with people rushing to get in front.  I felt a little trepidation, like going to class the first day in kindergarten or something, and wondering who my new classmates on either side would be.  Again, the fear of not being accepted was popping up.  All my life I was seeking approval and acceptance from outside.   I grew up in an alcoholic, totally disfunctional household, where I learned to believe that if I was smarter, prettier, worked harder, made our family proud by accomplishing more -- that I would get the approval I so desperately wanted.  Maybe my father would stop drinking and beating us, and he would come home more often.  Little did I know that I carried this on into my relationships of all kinds -- I set my self up to be a perfectionist.  Only in the past week (after the seminar) did I realize that I had been demanding perfection from myself -- no one else was expecting it from me!  I was the one driving myself, and then beating myself up when I couldn't live up to my ideals.  There's a lot of crap that's got to break down, and it is, finally.  I had long accepted people's imperfections, their shadows, their short-comings -- but I had NEVER allowed this for myself.  How did I not SEE?

Well, the seminar went great.  I met people from all over the world.  We listened to Stuie, we meditated, people shared their visions, we did exercises of sharing loving energy, sharing our shadow sides...great stuff.  Most of what went on is in his books, which I highly recommend.  I had time in between the seminars to go and have a little fun (actually, a lot of fun...I had a fling with a man MANY years younger than myself!).   Yet another gift that I allowed myself.  Yah, I still smoke, drink, gamble, have sex...AND I'm working on my spiritual growth.  Maybe this will change at some point in my growth, but if it doesn't, I'm not going to beat myself up any more to keep up another facade that's breaking down -- and that's the facade that being spiritual and growing has to be a sober, serious, difficult journey.  That's BS.  I'm not saying it's for everyone, but it's good for me right now.  I am going to be human as much as I'm going to be spiritual.  I am learning that heaven and earth must be bridged, and it's not by having my head in the clouds at the cost of denying my humanity.

So all in all, I came away with a feeling that I could redeem myself, and that that is what I am doing.  I know it is okay to be myself and enjoy my life while I work towards my growth.  I realize I don't have to be perfect by other's standards, or my own.  I am who I am...I  am what I am...I am...   :-)