[Mystory] My journey to wholeness.

As I review this life and its lessons in power and worth, I look up to the Great Spirit with much love and gratitude.

The journey to wholeness began early for me, because I grew up in a household broken apart by infidelity, conflict, and separation. I felt so unloved in that atmosphere of hurts. Both families had their share of wounds. A significant one is how my grandmother was thrown out by her parents because they were Chinese and didn't need a useless daughter. I bless the pain that arises from sharing these memories and send my earth father and mother in this life and their families much Light and Love.

Another major hurt was how my father had several families and left us to be with his other woman. I'm the 10th child of his brood of 17, all with different women.

Manifesting Indigo energies as well, I felt like I never fit in anywhere, even as a child, and was always grossly misunderstood.

When I was five or six years old, I was sexually abused. I also bless this experience of the lesson of power and those involved in it; I imbue this memory with much love and gratitude, for I have learned what it means to be fragile and small and be a victim in turn.

In school, I was considered strange. Now that I am older, I understand this was my Indigo energy at work. I had read far too many books and thought deep thoughts for the small town where I lived. By the time I started school at age 7, I had had my visitation from the space ship full of beings of Light and knew I was not normal at all.

I retreated into the world of books, where I was not strange and where I felt I belonged, where magic and wonders were alive.

And so not yet understanding who I really was at the time, I fell into despair, convinced by social rejection that I had made up the "dream" of my space ship and feeling so dirty from the sexual abuse that no one else knew about. And it hurt that there was no time for magic and Spirit because there was homework to be done, things to do so we would not be idle and unproductive.

Being out of touch with who I really was, I first tried to hurt/kill myself when I was around 9 years old. I spent my high school years wounding myself with bits of glass as the thoughts of unworthiness and rejection rose up to prick my heart. Through university, I wrestled with this darkness within and the desire to end it all. I would drink insecticide in 1999 and try to overdose with medication in the early 2000s.

But in my heart I wanted to serve, so serve I did as a teacher when I graduated, never mind the pain in my soul and the questions dogging me: who was I really? Why was I here? What was my mission?

I also had to support myself and my mother and brothers, so I worked hard despite the pain in my soul.

My body responded in pain with ostheoarthritis, osteoporosis, and scoliosis.

By the time I was 25, I learned that all this darkness in my soul was called depression. Society decided that I had bipolar disorder Type II (mild hypomanic), and I had to be treated so I could be more useful and productive. On medication I went gladly, wanting to be whole.

I tried to find the answer in the Catholic Charismatic church, too. But aside from enjoying my baptism in the Holy Spirit, I was again being boxed into a little space, so I have stayed out of organized mainstream religion since.

I turned to Wicca and the healing arts and magic with so much joy.

I also tried to help myself heal by going into a creative writing program. Then I found myself being rushed through my thesis (an epic) in order to become a productive faculty member. I have always marched to the beat of my own heart, so I left the university setting with much relief.

All my life I was pressured to be of service, of good use to society and be productive, at my own expense.

I have been off medication since last year, thanks to chakra yoga, meditation, and Ayurvedic principles. I have made peace with the darkness within and honour her as the goddess of the night even as I proudly walk with Light and Love in my heart.

Now I understand that I come first, so that I might serve best.

As a flower doesn't need to be anything but herself, I now choose to bloom and be whole.

I am looking forward to the next step in my healing journey by making peace with my Eastern heritage and learning Oriental medicine for myself. With the scholarship Spirit encouraged me to wait for, I will heal my ancestral Chinese wound and come full circle, being the honoured daughter who will learn the healing arts instead of the despised daughter who was given away because she is female.

I am also looking forward to being reunited in body and soul with my twin flame, who is on another continent. I surrender this sacred relationship to You, Great Spirit, and know that we will be One again at the right time. I let go of my fear of losing my twin flame again and I entrust this all in Your capable, loving hands.

And so the journey continues, onward, upward, into Love and Light.

Namaste.