Maybe I am a coward. Tell me why you are still afraid of dieing and becoming a child of light.

Have you ever lost your best Friend.
Really lost the only true friend you ever will have in life.
That is how I feel right now. I feel like I lost a part of me. It is not because a friend of mine died or moved away.
I am talking about have you lost the friendship and love you have with your self. This last full moon I feel like I did. Every thing I have said has been double sided and meant to hurt.
Ever thing I have done has been meant to push people away.
All I asked for this year was to have fun.

What do i get but chances to walk out on my current happy life and start over. If I start over I loose people that care for me.

Welcome to a world where people start to feel dark. People start to believe in demons and think why can't I worship them. I left myself somewhere and seems like I get to have the nice fun job of finding myself again.

This does tend to get rather upsetting at times. I find my way and then get tossed into yet another learning circle. People get married too early, People get married to late. I trust in one thing that I am once again trying to find. Nice white comforting Love. The kind that wraps itself around you when you are upset.

That nice warm feeling that you get when you feel like you are a part of this world. I don't feel like I am a part of this world even thou people tell me I am. I get nice interesting dark dreams. I get people saying I don't understand them. I get others trying to read me like a book.

You know everyone is right I don't understand them I don't need to read a book. I read a book in a dream once it said Wake Up. I did and it scared me. I then started running and it seems like I turn around and see the world starting to melt into it self. Too many people ask me what do I see. I have told them. I have been with people who see what I see. Everyone last one answered 'I don't remember it'

I once found a nice happy smile once inside of something tortured and bruised. I married that happy smile twice and every holiday I try to think of how can I heal the bruising that my words may have caused or someone deep in the past may have caused just so I can see a happy smile again. It seems that things out there enjoy taking my smile away from me and causing anger to replace it in me. I have not enjoy holidays for a while not since my family went away. They are physically still here but they seem cold now. This thanks giving I am having two friends over to join in a celebration of thanks and someone is missing from the joy of the celebration. That person is me cause This last month I have felt the cold of winter already in my soul and I just don't get it. Some would call it seasonal depression I just call it 'Get over it' Wake Up' Celebrate already. It really is not the easy anymore.

For those who are alone this or any holiday. Go find a laugh or a church. Go stop and say hello to a stranger. I know I am going to try to find something cheerful this holiday even if everyone seems to throw things back at my face. Maybe I am a coward. Tell me why you are still afraid of dieing and becoming a child of light.

Love Darcy.