Anger is a Good Thing

Anger is good, necessary and must be heard. Also felt, which is where most people get off, as it feels horrible. Feels like you are betraying you, like the world will soon find you and put you down for it. I know it this way since I am going through the feelings of anger. I have always entered that place but immediately disowned it and left it vowing never to return. Eventually the vow became reality and I couldn't feel the anger anymore, but I knew it was there somewhere due to the numbness I develeped when ordinary people would become angry, and that terrified me. No control, not enough anyway. My body and mind took alternate routes, like binging and purging, spending money, staying up for hours past natural fatigue made it necessary to sleep, becoming seriously sleep deprived. More paths I took, but who wants to know them all? Worst escape route was numbness. I am proud to say none of these occur anymore, but anger does occur. Has, anyway in what feels to me a violent emotional reaction, taking over my entire awareness. I get shaky, hot and red in the face it seems...have not actually checked in the mirror. I rant and rage, and it feels good. Over silly things thank God, telling me it is nothing for me to worry about, but still is as if somehow I am finally sending my entire self into the oblivion I always felt deep down was the only thing I truly deserved. Anger, has taken me over and I have become its friend. I was terribly angry at the other drivers in cars ahead of me, beside me, well mostly ahead of me. I just yelled obscenities, no one could hear through my closed car window. I vented, and yelled and vented and told myself and the air aound me how I hated this and that, and this and that person. Mostly I was angry at other people, some past friends whom I have not resolved my now ended relationships with, in my head at least, and at people I met in passing. One guy strode into a therapy place after me and then but into line in front of me. I hated him and felt the anger explode within me. I knew it was necessary, well he was rude. I knew I need never see him again, that I could be angry because I just was. I let it ride out, felt it and eventually I calmed down. All this on a therapy massage bed, that comforted me and let me know after the session was over that some more of my anger had melted away. The heat of the bed helped me out, was my friend and didn't care if I was angry or not, it still did a perfect job of giving me a massage. Through all the years of seeking God, being a good girl and denying anger or the right to my own judgement, I never found what I was seeking. I quit church, quit reading the bible and now have quit all semblance of even being a christian or of any other faith. I just will not discuss it, because my new faith is me, angry me and all. No one else wants to be part of that one, wants to know and needs to know and it belongs to me alone.
Finally, now that my worst nightmare has come true...I am angry....do I see where my faith lies. Finally, I believe there is a god, and I feel he loves me just like I am. Finally, I see how even I can love me! And mostly, I have found it through the terrible, vast and ever changing feeling of simple anger. Anger is good. I highly recommend it. I am wondering, if it has a life span...I feel better already; does that mean I am on a path of releasing the need for it? That is it not part of perfection, but just a part of healing?