All too much to bear!

My dearest friends and fellow lightworkers ~ in my last post I asked for forgivness and spoke of the difficult relationship I had been having. Last Monday night it reached a peak and my boyfriend first broke into my home at around 7pm and started shaking my head pulling my hair and was so angry. I then went to my local pub and drank quite a few wines and came home. The landlady asked for two guys to knock on my door on their way home to check I was OK. The guys came in and said make a cup of tea. I had no sooner gone to the kitchen when my boyfriend burst through the door and started shouting at one of the guys. He pushed me to the floor, threatened to strangle the guy, broke a thick wooden spoon and threatened to stab him. I was overwhelmed, the drink caught up on me and next I know I am in my bedroom and my boyfriend is standing by my bed shouting at me. He was like a man possessed. He ripped the little gold necklace that he gave me (the one I'm wearing in my picture)from my throat, tore it into pieces and ate it. All the while he was shouting and then straddled me on the bed, was spitting into my face, slapping me around the side of my head, pulling my hair and shaking me. He then started to strangle me. My neighbour then banged on the wall telling him to be quiet. This made him stop and I got downstairs and went to my neighbour. When I came back into the house I secured the house again and I eventually called the police and he was arrested. This is the third time he has been arrested for assaulting me, the second time was verbal ~ only saying he was going to kill me ~ non the less equally terrifying. Due to my guilt over what I did after the first attack, during the eight months we were apart, I have always felt it was all my fault that he was so angry, so insecure, so jealous. He has told me over and over and over how bad and evil I am. I believed him. So I ignored my friends and family and lived a dual life ~ pretending to them that I was not seeing him. After the attack this week I became so ashamed and depressed that I went to the pub and drank many wines, came home and took an overdose. I did not want to die ~ just stop and be removed from everything. I now feel even more ashamed ~ but I am getting help and my neighbours and the guy he attacked are going to give statements to the police. I am terrified and jump at the slightest unexpected noise.I am trying not to think the worse but I also have heard him tell me so many times how he can wait and wait and then get you when you don't expect it.I am trying to stay positive but I feel so desperately sad that I could not help this young man. I know that I have been drinking too much. That is not good and I can be a nightmare when I'm drunk. I was hating myself so much that I didn't care. I just kept hearing his voice saying all those bad things about me. I believed I was evil. I believed that my sons didn't deserve me. I have had so much pain to endure in this life. Too many relationships where I was trying to help and always ended up getting hurt. My empathetic nature combined with my need to be needed has proved a disasterous combination. I now turn to you all to help me pull myself out of this quagmire that I have allowed myself to become stuck in. I ask that you send me love and forgivness. I ask that you send my ex-boyfriend love and forgivness. I must reclaim my rights. I am OK really ~ I've just got too beaten and bruised. My heart feels empty. It is hard to have a beating from anyone, let alone the man you love. I will always love this man for the beautiful person that resides inside a hard shell inside his heart. I know one day that shell will feel safe to soften and allow him to grow, blossom and give scent to this world. I just have to admit defeat and say that the job was not for me. I feel a failure because of this.
I'm going to stop now, as I can feel the pain welling up inside of me and I need to try and get some sleep. Please spare me Lord ~ hear my prayer.