Nia's blog

I am feeling lonely; but it is a good feeling for a sort of reverse reason, for me. It is good because for a long time I negated that feeling, pushing it away and deciding it was not really me and I would not be bothered with it.

It feels like I am again on a spiral forward, clearing out the old draggy and miserable-making emotions that have been my companions all my life. Now it is really baby steps as though I have gone backward from gigantic realizations and leaps of healing to miniscule, though they are powerful.

Feel like crying, not the normal type but as if all my muscles and cells are trying to cry out and wring out whatever sadness and negativity remains. Weird sort of feeling, something to mark the times...

I feel like a true elder today, and finally accepting of it. Some part of me wants the world to take note of me, and many like me, who have been trailblazers and hard workers for inner peace for years now.

Days and nights sometimes seem joined, just separated by the fact of sleep and darkness vs. activity and sunlight. Dreamed two nights ago of my daughter being her wonderful self, full of fun and laughter then a large dark tiger came out and killed her. My grief was so strong I could not stop crying and people were commenting on it.

Anger is good, necessary and must be heard. Also felt, which is where most people get off, as it feels horrible. Feels like you are betraying you, like the world will soon find you and put you down for it. I know it this way since I am going through the feelings of anger. I have always entered that place but immediately disowned it and left it vowing never to return.

Something has snapped. Watching Paris Hilton's experiences made me realize how I is We and in reverse so as well. We all moving through turmoil, imprisonment, release and now dealing with it. She looks like an angel and in the days I believed there were such beings I would have said I believe she is a human angel.

Why are people so eager to respond to trouble and turmoil..why am I? I spring in to action when things are difficult, yet maybe this is meant to be. I always wanted to spread joy and peace and deep understanding around, but when I feel that way I just let things be, and don't do a thing. Usually...

Dear Dad, I would like to meet with you to thank you for all you did for me. That I can express my appreciation and love makes this a big day, after all that we went through and I continued to go through after you passed away just before Christmas.. Until this week, it never occurred to me these last six months that my grief over you and our past, and what I felt I did not have from you was the cause of my continuing internal hardships. My divorce was final more than three years ago and I only feel warmth and good memories from my marriage now, so I knew that was not the problem. To have you resurface in my feelings now and the resolution that has made my heart and entire existence much lighter, is a miracle I want to share with you.

I m walkling through my day as if it isn't mine. saying things someone else would, doing what I didnt plan. things just sort of line up, I know I need to do them but not sure if I actually will. then out of some strange feeling of deja vu, I move and get it done, and more! It is hard to find a mind space to think, like it is saying well, don't think. feel and heal...