Phlogiston Theory

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Phlogiston Theory
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And little did Joseph Priestley know
That his discovery would begin a chain
Of events that, two hundred years later,
Would lead to the infamous "Cola Wars."
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“Can you dig it? CAN…YOU…DIG IT ?!?”
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(For Cyrus and the Warriors…they of “material-based” reality)
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To them, we say, “Open your hearts and open your minds
For you need be true only to your true self.
Only remember to let your pent-up pressure out
But one little burp at a time, if you please!
Try Gas-X… it’s safe sex for your stomach!”
Or else the wet dreams of your agitated cravings
May spurt out in a sporadic let-down of a come shot
While you sleep away your uninspired lives.
When the jaybird out-jukes the one-eyed Jack
When Jimbo-ruskie bets on The Pack
And Wendy's® releases the “Sextuple Stack”
That’s when I’ll have my next heart attack.
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So subtle is the ichor’s flow of all ascended beings
As they offer, in nature’s stillness, a quantum key
To effective meditation for us to use to counter
The ineffectiveness of all the inane, insipid fakers
The flummoxed blokes bantering away in bars
Inspired only by themselves, they dismiss any notions
Of muses, of love, of timeless tears called oceans.
Never do they produce any new emotion, nor do the
Comforting and time-tested (if not proven) axioms
Hold sway in the face of their egos and pride.
The faintest speck of a mustard seed of faith
Is at best a mystery, even something to be mocked.
They believe that dry land is their fat paycheck
A sun-soaked beach, a piece of ass with a tan line.
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But someday soon, or perhaps they’ve already recently
Discovered (as in “years ago”-recently) that there
Could possibly be something other than ignorance
Behind the superstitions of the ancients, something
Akin to eternal truth, but not quite, because after all,
How can there be? There are no absolutes in life, right?
Try telling that to apocalypto-boy, Melancholy Gibson
The bad man behind blue eyes who dramatized for us
The terrifying eclipse-induced blood moon that halted
(Temporarily, of course…it was always only temporary)
the human sacrifices that were needed to appease the gods
And save Montezuma’s empire, bless his intact, fool heart.
Cortez the Conquistador came for silver and gold but
The natives knew the value of cowries and cacao beans.
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When exactly was it that we ceased burning witches
At the stake after they were found guilty of collusion
With the occult? Those innocent harlots and whores
Of the Devil himself? Seems to me that it was only
A few decades ago, wasn't it? Oh, had I been there
To comfort the condemned and kill the condemners!
Let us all go at once to the hanging, maybe this time
This one will dance for us a little longer than the last one.
No soul, living or dead, ever conceived new life skin-to-skin
Without passing on the muddled conglomeration of DNA
Called the gene pool (what the hell, here I go - jump right in)
No queen or king (past or present) hath conquered anything
Without passing a little smelly gas every now and then.
(Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure) smelly gas!
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Unbound, hell-spawned sins of sanctimonious superiority
Create words unwound, that smack and sound only of
............(The horror! The horror!)............
Words like “righteousness” or combinations of words like
“Divine right” did so much to damage, compromise and
Corrupt our immaculately tended and manicured gardens
With such ruinous greed and gall that in the end
No blessed seed can germinate and sprout, untainted.
The clear, pure water that nourishes the tree of life
Why can we not see that THIS is what we NEED now.
The spirit of God in US is all we ever needed.
Here and now! So hear us now as we sing!
Praise to Thee, the Most High, our sun of salvation
We sing! Healing light and energies, loving each other and
The Mother of all creation, to Her we sing our alleluias!
Exult, exult! We in our breathing bodies, dance…Dance, I say!
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We dance and we sing, see? To Earth, to sea and sky, we sing!
Our infinite gladness surpassed nevermore by mortal madness.
Release all, release all, losing ourselves in the craziness apart!
YES, we DID stumble, convinced of our guaranteed godlessness
Leave it all behind, belch out the putrid gasses of the past
Gone, gone, gone! Away, away, away! No death, only life!
Over and done with all of it, we have the power to release it all!
No excuses, now…don’t give no energy to the enemy within, y'all!
(He’s the REAL Judge Dredd and boy, does he wear a BIG grin!)
Oz could’ve been a known quantity all along, but not by us.
Courage would falter, brains would boil and hearts would explode.
Who are we to judge? (because it’s judgment that defeats us)
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Heaven help us to wish for and welcome the indiscriminate
Slashing scythes of a wheat combine to carry us all away
In a sweeping swipe of homogenous over-correction.
For the blades, you might be surprised to find out, are
Wielded by none other than you and I (and your babies)
All who are cast in bone and flesh play a part in this game
A playground of exploration, some exploiting each opportunity
To jump off the see-saw or get sick on the merry-go-round
Ruining the fun for everyone (or are they just making it interesting?)
Wouldn't you eventually get bored of sunny skies, day after day?
Call me mischievous, twisted or evil, but it would drive me nuts!
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No, life just wouldn't be the same without burping, I guess.
I can't force-swallow air to make myself burp (yes, I have tried)
There are many who can (much to my chagrin) and some even
Find doing so hysterically funny. You know who you are!
But don't be ashamed of your gift: the immature, ill-timed use
Of guttural, locker-room sound-effects (arm-pit fart, anyone?)
Who's the idiotic jelly-brain that came up with soda pop, anyway?
A creature of carbon created carbonation, that fizz responsible for
Oral flatulence, and does anyone really know why!? Who hasn't
Sipped that corrosive, killing combination of water, syrup and bubbles?
Come by my place tomorrow... say around never o'clock and we can
Discuss phlogistons over an ice-cold Coke, or Pepsi, if you prefer!
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DJH, 2008