Strange day, beautiful but with ugly undertones

I am probably writing this at the wrong time, perhaps I should sort out my
feelings a bit first...but, well, I guess the idea of the blog is to get
some help sorting out my feelings.

Today I picked my son up from hospital and took him home. He seemed just fine,
his normal happy self. No 'hangovers' from his episode. He has his mind up
to be right on time with meds from now on, and seems to have a new sense of
purpose...hoping that will last. Anyway, that was the beautiful part.

The ugly part was that during the drive to pick him up I killed two living creatures.
Not just one...but two...on the same day. I don't know how to feel. I don't think I've EVER killed anything but bugs with the car in my whole life, and today it happened twice!

I guess I'd know how to handle my feelings if they were the sorta feelings I would expect to have in such a situation...guilt...remorse...angry at myself. I could work all through that and get it sorted. What has me confused is that I DON'T feel that way.

I just feel hollow and empty. Intellectually I understand that accidents do happen, and I do live out in the bush, where it happens a whole lot, but I was totally shocked at my reaction. I didn't cry...I didn't have to get outta the car because I was shaking badly, I just kept on driving, and felt...well, hardly anything at all.

Now that I'm home, and have a bit of time to reflect I am amazed at my lack of emotion.
On the way to the hospital a bird flew into the windscreen...I was going 100kph (that's about 62 mph) so I know it musta killed him. But other than shock and surprise when it happened, I had hardly any reaction.

Then on the way back I hit a rabbit. Now here in Australia the rabbit is a feral pest, and some folks go outta their way TO run over them if they get a chance...but I've never felt that way. To me they are simply one more of the Mother's lovely creatures.

I'm a wildlife carer for pete sake! I SAVE wild creatures. I should feel horrible, at least I thought I would have. I know we all work hard on acceptance and allowing...but I sorta feel like part of me is missing, the part that CARED. I dunno what I'm trying to say, except that that poor bird and rabbit deserve at least a couple tears and a bit of guilt, don't they? What's wrong with me? Where have my feelings gone???

yarra