Throw away people- Letter to a friend (edited)

This is a copy of a letter I wrote a friend earlier today and I am blogging it because in so many ways it describes what I felt and still struggle with at this time in my life. It has been edited and names have been changed....It is not about them. It is about me.

I lived in a beautiful house, with beautiful things, most of them chosen by me but not mine. Paid for with hubby's money. Even what was mine, was given to me by him, bought with his MONEY and evidence of everything other that LOVE. It was more evidence of how well he was looking after me... external evidence...The internal darkness never showed because everybody was blinded by the external bling. Then, in Jeddah, I got a job.(We are South African and moved to Saudi Arabia) A menial one according to him, but it was my first actual JOB as married woman(I was a teacher at a nursery but was paid one tenth of his salary and by the we had been married for almost 10 years). With the money I earned I bought toys for the children, clothes for me etc....and the TV that was in the lounge.... It was evidence of my presence in the house. It was mine. Finally I had proof of my usefulness. That I could make a contribution. Moving to Dubai put me back into the category of caged bird. I tried desperately to sing. This time round the cage was bigger, more beautiful but even more restrictive. Everyday I fought for my space, for me, for the privacy and the sanctity of my body and the right to decide what happens to it, to be seen but I only ever became nothing more than the rainbow shadow walking behind My Husband. Finally, I got a job (once again teaching at a nursery), with the money I earned there I eventually managed to buy myself a mattress that help me get a good night's rest. I have back problems from being a high school high jumper. Bad equipment and being the only one jumping from the 'wrong' side of the poles meant I usually missed the mat and fell on the grass or there weren't enough wool bales to cushion my fall. It (the mattress) was expensive but I needed it... and I bought it with MY money. My husband had to help initially but he made me pay him back. Now he is keeping my mattress because it means he will have to buy a new one and he doesn't want to. Finally, I was able buy to a dishwasher because I grew sick and tired of all the dishes that I had to wash and he didn't think I needed a dishwasher. It was my gold medal. I had run a race and it was long and hard and I had survived but I was rewarded for my effort with something that I was really, really proud of. It was MINE. In the mean time, my cage became more restrictive because once my husband realised that there were men out there who found me attractive and beautiful, I was suddenly not taken to work functions anymore unless it suited him. As was the case with the last family day I attended. I took singing lessons from NP. The CEO's (of the company my husband works for) daughter takes piano lessons with her. His wife enjoyed my company. It suited him to have me there because it ensured him a place at the CEO table. We were invited to join them because of me, because I had something in common with them. Their love of music, having performed with their daughter, etc. and possibly because he made it impossible for them not to invite us. But when it didn't suit him, I was told women/spouses were not allowed and yet, when I phoned him at these functions on occasion, there were always women in the background or even next to him. My shadow shrunk. At least up until then I was still a shadow person. Eventually I became invisible.

Then J*** came, he showed me who I was not only to him but in general. He truly cared about me, that much I know and he made it very clear that he found me attractive and that he enjoyed my company. But the more I started feeling as though I was of value, the harder my husband showed me how much I wasn't of value. And then J**** left and despite what I know to be what he felt for me he threw my away... sort of - it was what it felt like... and I felt of even less value... not only have I been an after thought to my husband who never truly loved my by his own admission and to whom I gave my all until I had nothing more to give. The man I loved threw me away as well.

Then you came and showed me, once again, who I was, what I was capable of and we became friends and I treasure your friendship and I truly deeply care about you even though others feel that you are using me. I still believe that our friendship is true and honest. I also know you are going through a really tough time.......... but try and understand this...

My husband is keeping my mattress.... and replacing it with a beautiful second hand bed that is not mine and not of my choosing. My dishwasher, that in emotional terms meant so much to me, he did not look after and it was damaged...now he is replacing it with one that once again, used to be someone else's and he did so without asking me if it would be OK. I would have been happier if he sent me my damaged one and then offered to pay for the fixing... but he won't because he doesn't want to pay money on something that he doesn't deem important. He is taking my gold medal and giving me someone else's bronze medal... I am sorry if that sounds ungrateful but if you don't understand what I this means to me, then L, maybe you never knew me. I am getting what, effectively, is other people's cast offs... and once again I feel worthless. He took away everything I have worked for and achieved. He threw me away, even if he won't admit it. All I was good for was looking after the kids, and giving him sex whenever he wanted and needed it and even that wasn't good enough...

Finally, L, every time you come up for Gertjan, you stick a knife into my heart. And you know, you do it a lot. You don't even realise how much you do it. Where do I fit into your life? Do I even figure in your life? Your friendship with my husband seems soooo much more important than my heart...

I feel like the throw away person in other people's lives. The one everybody loves to have in their life for various reasons but doesn't want to give anything in return or give up anything for. The one who stands waiting to receive whatever is expendable in their lives and that includes love, time, property. While they get everything I have/had to give... my love, my trust, my time, my prayer, my money, my support, my regard,my car, my friends, my friendship etc.

and all because I dared to walk away from a situation that was destroying my soul - I have become one of life's throw away people because I believed that I deserved better.