From dark to light !! !! #2

So i guess i kinda got a little side tracked in my previous post...that night back in aug where i almost took my life was a night of great change for myself..i should take you back a few weeks before that...I finally hit this point in my life where what i was doing was boring me. i was over all these fake people. all that mattered to any of them was how popular they were and how much power and control they had over others. mind you the reason these souls were around me was becasue i too wanted that...and so i pulled into my direction the group of people whom i love with all my heart and still to this day take trips together. just went camping with a couple of them a couple of days ago. but that group of people gave me strength to my words....they taught me to stand proud in my own energy. they taught me i was hot and that people really liked me. (sometimes for the wrong reasons) but i got over a lot of my negative thought of my self. i find them an incrediable part of my personal puzzle. but as i always do i move from group to group...basically once i master whatever lesson is put before me i move on. that is something i have always known about myself. i have merged into many many diffrent peoples lifestyles learned why they do what they do and moved on...always have that connection with those souls. im one of those people that once we bond your stuck with me checking in through the years...anyways so i was done with doing the drinking and being the new lesbian around town where every one wanted to try and punk. what they learned is im little but im incrediably strong. so i earned my status within the group. around june i was over the drinking, and the sex. it seemed everytime i went any where women were coming on to me...which was an uncomfortable reflection of my own self. so when i finally saw it for what it was i gave up the girls and the sex...and stpped hanging out and parting and went back to hanging out at the coffeee house. i went back to being my loner self...and began mingling with the other loners again. i finally got a job at the queen bean my hang out spot. and cut my drinking back. learned how to manage pennies began working my ass off for tips so that i could get back into town to work with the tips as gas money. some days i didnt make enough money to go home. so i crashed on couches and such. but i was on a roll to improve myself. and then one afternoon on aug 13th 2007 while i was driving home from work i was stopped to turn left and i got re-ended. and then i got hit again and then again. it was a four car pile up and i was lead car....and then to top it off i was like grandma on the scene. being 29 and all. haha! either way i ended up with sever pain in my back and went to the er. and then was taking off of work and boy was that the begining of the ending for me. the next morning i woke up and my mom was on the phone with my aunt. and my aunt was doing her pitty part thing about her job...and i walked by and said maybe it would be better if everyone just took responisbility for their actions.... and that one sentences caused a big family conflict. my aunt hung on my mom. and my mom got pissed at me and then we started fighting. but i was over it. i mean everytiem my mom carried on with her sister she would in turn think she had a horrible family and then we would all fight. i knew my aunts energy always consumed my mom and i was just fucking over the drama. well me and my mom got into like a world war fight. and every single thing that ever hurt either of us in the 29 years came to the surface that day. my mom slapped me at 29. i was so pissed! i put a dent into a aluminum door with my fist after she slapped me and i left. i came back every day trying to make it work with my mom. then a few days later my dad told me i was stupid for not toughing it out at work and allowing them to take me off the schedule. that hurt me so badly. my whole life i have tried to please my family. and show them who i truly was and they truly believed in their heart of hearts that i was stupid. my ex girlfriend "regine" met me at the coffee house that evening and loaned my 5 dollars so that i could get back home later. that night i drank and drank...i hadnt drank in a few weeks. i felt like more whole life was over. what was i going to do about bills and such. i continued to drink that night and i was playing a game that i only new that night. how many people actually care about what happpens to me. so the drunker i got the more i talked about ending my life....my ex "regine" ended up throwing my car keys at me and was like "im sorry shelly, but you dumped me a year ago and i dont have to deal with this...and my deepest apologies to your family if you die tonight in your car. i dont know what you need from me. but i cant keep doing this with you. i love you but i dont have to deal with your bullshit anymore!" and inher car she went and she was gone. slowly one by one my "friends" left. i wondered out to the parking lot and one of the girls i dated the previous year after "regine" and i broke up was out there. she was like whats up? i was like im over life. do you have time to talk with me. she was like yeah let me smoke this joint. and i was like um alright. and then got up and walked my drunk ass across the street to the park. for the first time in my drinking career i didnt drive that night. i walked into that park that night knowing i wasnt going to come back. i though maybe one of those thugs over there will mug me and then kill me? haha! (i was loosing my mind) and to my saddness as i walked toward them they scarbbled away. which sent more saddness through my body. the thugs seemed like they were avoiding me. what the fuck i thought. ah but over there is a homeless camp. i will go that way. and then as i walked in their direction they also began to leave. alright thats it. i leaned againt this tree and just cuddled into its trunk and cried. and cried. i looked up into the sky and set "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME? IVE DONE EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO DESTROY MYSELF. YET HERE I AM. RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. OBVISOUSLY THIS IS A SICK JOKE AT MY EXPIENCE. IF IM EXPECTED OF SOMETHING THEN I NEED SOME FUCKING GUIDANCE DONT YOU FUCKING THINK? and then i just creid and cried. i cuddled up to that tree. and then my phone rang. it was audra she was at the cafe earlier. i ignored it. but she continued to call. finally i answered. "Shelly where are you? you car is still here and you were hella drunk when i saw you earlier. are you ok. i just cried into the phone. "shelly tell me where your at please. im at the park. im coming to you ok. and she hung up. audra came to the park and we set there for a couple of hours. and yelled and screamed and cried....and unloaded so much that night. that park, that tree, and that soul in human form. i hold in the highest of light. a part of me died that night. that i am sure of. i came out of that park changed. the next day i got a phone call from my grndmas brother, he seemed excited to find me. he was like " shelly are you living with your mom? ive been looking for you...do you think you could get me some herb? i was like um yeah i guess. totally uncomfortable. thats my grndmas brother. why is he wanting herb from me...anyways they came down within days. and i still could barely walk over my back and i was this moppy mess when they came into town. i was working on a few poems... "listen girl" "the energies have combined" and "master" oh and "corners of four" was just started. these i have posted here on this blog. anyways i showed him and his wife my poetry. and they both got these big smiles on their faces and they said.."ah Shelly you know who you are! this is exciting! dont be depressed be happy. not many know who they are!" we began talking and it was soem of the best conversations i have had in probaly my whole life. they understood me. oh hell more than that they know who i am. yet the question still circled my head "who am i" when they left she took copies of my poetry and told me...shelly your writing to your self...read those poems as if they were for you. its your higher self talking. my aunt sue emailed me with the web site www.lightworker.com told me to go read the channelings. as i read the canelings my whole life and the hardships and my grandparents moving...well life began to make since to me. at some point i fell into this community. total accident. but i was totally ment to be. 3 days after my aunt and uncle came down a girl whom i worked with introduced me to her younger sister. her sister was 17 at the time of our introduction. i was 29. we are 12 years apart. when i saw her i felt like i knew her...when she shook my hand i didnt want to let it go. i looked at katy and was like well where have you been hiding her? and she was like shes only 17 shelly. and i was like oh! well peace out. but mind you she has been in my dreams for years. this dream went through my head when i met her... me and her actually were in this little truck. i was crying. and she was hugging me. she said "shelly its going to be scary. but dont fear it. I will be here on your 30th...and in between my sobs i told her i would be there for your 18th. so basically mac turned 18 in nov. i turned 30 in dec. and we met 3 month before her 18th birthday. and 3 days after my great aunt and uncle came into town. which they showed up 3 days after my breakdown. i have been going through quite a cleansing since. the poem "the gift" is about mac. i asked for guidance that dark night in aug. and the universe responded with three people filled with light and love. im finally at the level of my growth where i know who i am. and why i am here. i carry a wonderful sage like healing energy. and i am truly an uncondiotonal lover of humanity. I had my first taro reading done 4 years ago. and it all came true as of last year. up to and including a great lover from my past will apear before me and when that happens will catupault into where we should be. we are both ascended masters yet we are here to teach each other our hearts and then in turn we will teach others their hearts. that was in a reading 4 years ago. never had one done. and it scared the hell out of me. especially watching everything fall into place. he even told me that the past lovers energy is mixed with mine. that i have either met this person or know someone that knows them....i remeber saying hmm.....i wonder who is going to come back into my life...and he said oh no no this is a great love from another time. and with that i went kinda white. so i think i will end with this....and possibly pick up at another time with the changes i have went through and the love that i feel. much love and light.......