DE-scending?

Could it be? Have I DE-scended? Certainly feels as if I have.

My husband did a screaming thing last night. I really tried hard to not let it bother me and I did well for a long, long time. I did not even feel like I had to defend myself, I just let him go on. He was angry about me going to school. It was all fine with him all summer but now that it is only a week away and I am trying to work out the details, now that it is REALLY happening, he felt the need to yell at me. He told me I was doing the wrong thing. Said my dream was always to get my masters in psych or social work so why am I doing the wrong thing now? Also put me down for eating vegetarian, drinking bottled water, and said the dinner I made sucked. You get the idea. I am sick of taking the blame for this. I keep telling myself I am manifesting this and if I was in the right frame of mind then he would not act this way. And of course I am not innocent I have my wrong doings as well.... but I am tired of just swalowing all this and blaming myself. So I cried last night after his tantrum. It did end with him yelling at me that I "better" register for classes today because he did not want me to hold this over his head forever.

So after all that I felt like crap. I felt this horrible emptiness, this horrible sense of being alone. I felt cast out, banished.

My husband apologized today and I accepted it. I do not want to keep it going. He keeps calling and be very nice to me. I tried to meditate. I am sticking to my detox diet. I decided to continue on my path with school. I started gathering documents I need for the kids for school/ daycare and I did go to the college to register and talk to an advisor.

I found it hard to get out of the house. Usually we go out every day if only to the park or food store but this week I was doing the fasting thing and I was so tired and just never got myself together enough to get out. So, the kids and I have been home all week hibernating.

When I got to the college it was such a clusterf*ck. This line to that line. When I finally spoke with an advisor it turned out I had been sent the wrong acceptance letter. I was not accepted into the nursing program. I have prerequisics I must do. That is fine. I had a feeling about that. But the advisor really did not know how to advise me but the woman in charge of the nursing school happened to be around so she called her over and had me speak to her. Well, this woman treated me like I was an idiot. Granted, I am sure I seemed quite a mess. Frazzled, fat, two kids in tow. But really isn't this her job? She was very condescending and told me getting into nursing school was a big *IF* for me. She reprimanded me for having taken anatomy and physiology without taking chemistry first. I had no idea I needed to do that. My most recent college experience was 8 years ao and I was going for transpersonal psychology. They told me to take anatomy and physiology and I took it and passed. How was I to know I was supposed to take chemistry first? She yelled at my baby for grabbing at the wire to her computer. A man came over and stood near her and she asked him, "Do you need me?" And he said yes but he'll wait as, "This young lady (meaning me) is more important than I am." And she said, "Well this young lady has been here QUITE a long time!" I then thanked her for her time and drew the conversation to a close.

I have to take chemistry before I can get into nursing school which is no big deal and I have to take the math placement test. No big deal either. I can't start nursing school until next Fall. Again I guess that's okay but the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth and I was already riddled with self doubt from last night. Now I am not sure this is even the right path for me. And I have no idea what the right Path is. I honestly do not feel like I WANT to do anyting right now. I want to just lay in my bed alone under the covers.

Outside everything always looks so beautiful to me but today I saw how ugly the railroad tracks were and the graffiti on buildings. After the college thing I had planned to take the kids to the park or some other fun place but I felt like I just had to come home. I felt like I could not be out and deal with people. I honestly feel like I have descended. Feel more like a basket case than a lightworker and completely disconnected.