More Fasting Reflections Day 3 HUMBLED

I blogged yesterday about how perfect everything is and my realizations while fasting. Of course today I feel not quite as high. I'm a little unsure. I keep slipping like I spoke about before. Yet it just came to me that feeling bad is actually a gift. Each time I am able to keep it together through feeling bad I wind up showered in blessings and good feelings after. So feeling bad is really a blessed opportunity. If I make it through without totally giving up, if I keep on trying, things will be even better than before. Again God is merciful.

It's the third day of my somewhat fast....well more like a detox diet. I am no longer hungry. I am clear headed. However, it began last night that I started to be continually humbled. As my body cleans itself out so does my spirit. I am being shown my life from a new perspective. I am seeing things from an objective viewpoint and I am so humbled when I see how I have been blundering through this life. I am so humbled when I see how I created every single thing. Even the supposed "bad" things that have happened to me, how I had a hand in making them. I made all this- everything. It is a hard pill to swallow. I chose every single thing and made it so. Probably not PC to say I asked for it, but I did. There is nobody to blame not even myself. But I have to see it and set it all free. I have to look without denial and without justifying anything. And I have to not dwell on it because then I'll be taken out of the present and my mind will be wandering around in the past.

It's all changing- everything, everyONE. I feel like we must be going through a very special time but I am not compeltely sure. This may be how it always is and I am just seeing it now. The world and all its creature may have been always propelling quickly into a new future, evolving rapidly, and I just was unaware of it.

Yesterday I was very steady and I knew in my heart all was perfect. I was taking ownership of a lot of things and as a result emotions and toxins were leaving me but today I find I am unsure and unsteady. I am being pulled back into the material world and thinking "I have so much I have to do and so little time" and I am feeling the old stress again. I suppose I am trying to retreat to familiar territory.

It would be so much easier if I could go and hide in a cave while I go through this for a week or two. Or stay in bed under the covers until I am cleansed.

My family has a history of notcommunicating effectively. Everything is beaten around the bush, manipulative, nothing is just forthright and honest. Generations of this. For example instead of asking for something we try to get someone to offer and when they do we refuse it until they insist. Everything is always "Fine," even when it isn't. Some of us have gotten past this at least when dealing with people outside the fmaily but some haven't. So, what happened? My grandfather died, my grandmother had a stroke and lost her speech, and my mother and her sister seem unable to communicate at all but just have this strange underlying anger between them. I live 2 hours away from everyone, my mother is staying with my grandmother 20 days out of the month, one sister moved out, and the other is alone in my mother's house. We are all separated. We have a tension between us as we must learn to communicate in a new way. The old ways no longer work and everyone is frustrated. As we heal ourselves, healing will spread throughout the family. I tried to explain this to my mother who keeps calling and telling me how nobody likes her and her life cannot be what she wants because she wants to be with her family and we will not cooperate. It is difficult to deal with her- and equally dificult to not deal with her because then she gets angry and manipulative. But I am grateful because it is all lessons for me. I am gratefulto be able to see the situation for what it is and grateful to know that even though it is painful for everyone now we are all moving into a place of healing.

I told my husband I was sorry for making the decision to be a stay at home mother without him and not taking his opinions seriously. This has been the main source of resnetment for four years now and I am only just now seeing the obvious. I told him I respect and honor him and I own my part of the situation we are in. I told him this over the phone and when I hung up I cried. I was not sad or happy per say I think it was just a release and I am glad to let that go. The only thing is- as I let things go I keep finding more and more that needs to be released and I find myself getting overwhlemed. And I have to stop myself from being angry with myself for creating it all. There has been a lot of talk of "the darkness" on here lately so I wonder if this is a universal thing because I keep finding myself wondering if I am a "good" person because I do not feel like I am right now. I feel like I am a "bad" person pretending to be good. Even though I know there is no real "good" or "bad" this is what I am feeling now. I worked with criminals and lvoed them and htought they were good people but I am thinking I am not good and unworthy, a dark heart. Maybe it has somethingto do with duality no longer existing? Maybe we are expereincing the other side before it can all merge into one? Possibly? LOL.

That's where I am at today. Thank you for letting me vent it out here.

Love to all!